Archive for ‘War’

April 15, 2016

Exclusive: Chilcot report expected to pin blame for Iraq war on “international jewel thief, Douglas Vanderbildt”

by articulatedsheep

Excerpts from the long-awaited Chilcot Report, leaked exclusively to TMB this evening, reveal the prime culprit of the Iraq War – believed to have contributed to the death of almost half a million Iraqis, as the country slid into chaos following the US-led invasion of 2003 – to be none other than international jewel thief Douglas Vanderbildt.

December 10, 2015

Daily Mail launches appeal to fix teeth of Lee Rigby killer

by philapilus

The Britain First campaign is asking the public to imagine Lee Rigby as “a little Christmas elf, who would want us all to join together in the spirit of charity”

The Daily Mail newspaper has announced a charitable appeal in order to raise funds for Michael Adebolago’s dental work.

The newspaper learned that the killer of Lee Rigby had lost two front teeth whilst being restrained by prison officers, and immediately decided to help.

Mail spokesperson, Mike Ock, said “Our paper is not just about cutting-edge journalism, we’re also about compassion. Lots of compassion. When we heard

November 24, 2015

Turkish downing of Russian jet leads to pause for reflection

by philapilus

He’ll probably just tell Turkey that it’s no big deal, accidents happen, and not to worry about it

The shooting down of a Russian warplane by Turkish jets has inadvertently brought about an international detente, after major powers agreed that things were clearly out of hand.

President Putin said “This has given me pause to reflect and to think about all kinds of things in a calm and measured way.

“For instance, I am now wondering whether we should be less belligerent in our testing of other nation’s borders, and also

November 23, 2015

IS in shock as Paris attacks fail to establish world-wide caliphate

by philapilus

Interestingly not designed by someone who thought batshit-mad medieval edicts and fictional super-powered friends were the be-all and end-all of human endeavour

Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.

Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.

Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a

September 7, 2015

Cameron to announce card and flowers for refugees

by philapilus

“They’re only coming for our ludicrously generous state benefits – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with their own homes” said the complete c*nts of the British right-wing press, until 5 minutes ago 

David Cameron will lay out his new strategy for dealing with the mass migration problem this afternoon, which is expected to involve having a quick whip round for a commiserations card and a bouquet of flowers from a petrol station.

Sources close to the Prime Minister say he “will praise the courage of Syrian refugees, before promising to send the posey of flowers – and possibly a pack of Rich Tea biscuits that he’s had in the cupboard for ages and which no one has eaten.”

Mr Cameron will also, it is hinted, ask any

August 17, 2015

Bin Laden’s tape collection “includes the Bangles and Steeleye Span”

by philapilus

“All around my hat I will wear the green ribbon…”

Experts analysing the vast tape collection of Osama Bin Laden have revealed that the Al Qaeda leader “was a huge fan of bands like the Bangles, the Mamas and the Papas, and British folk rock outfit, Steeleye Span.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Sound Studies went through more than 1500 casettes, and found that Bin Laden’s musical tastes tended to focus on anything recorded before Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’, which was the most recent album that he owned.

“‘Nevermind’ was almost worn out,” said McEyebrau “So he’d obviously listened to it a lot. We think he

June 28, 2015

“ISIS delighted by gay marriage verdict” says CNN

by philapilus

CNN also revealed this ISIS cell “taking time out from its busy programme of repression and violence to celebrate hot man-on-man action”

CNN has said ISIS is “completely thrilled” by the US Supreme Court’s decision to legalise gay marriage nationwide.

The revelation came after star correspondent Lucy Pawle reported spotting the fundamentalist religious organisation’s flag at a gay pride event in London.

A spokesman for CNN said “I know you’re all probably quite surprised by this, but ISIS are huge fans of gay marriage. Or ‘marriage’ as we should all just get used to calling it.

“Yeah, ISIS are kind of

May 28, 2015

Blair takes up new role as Middle East ‘war envoy’

by philapilus
https://i2.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/84/Tony_Blair%2C_UK_Prime_Minister_%281997-2007%29_%288228591861%29.jpg/623px-Tony_Blair%2C_UK_Prime_Minister_%281997-2007%29_%288228591861%29.jpg

Just an all-round great feller

The former British prime minister Tony Blair has said his decision to step down as peace envoy to the middle east was motivated by “the offer of a much more interesting role as war ambassador to the region.”

Blair’s tenure as peace envoy was always troubled by accusations that he was the wrong man for the job. Partly because he had previously been involved in destroying quite a bit of the Middle East, and partly because he achieved fuck-all in 8 years.

But after quitting the post yesterday, he told reporters “I’ve assessed my options to contribute to the world and decided – by which I mean ‘have been offered a much better salary’ –  to spread war and discord instead.

“Sort of like a

May 21, 2015

ISIS to assume curatorial duties in Palmyra

by philapilus

Deeply fond of culture

Islamic State militants announced today that they would be taking over the curating and preservation of the UNESCO World Heritage Site of Palmyra, the ruins of which are amongst the most important in the ancient world.

The IS spokesman for antiquities, Abdul ‘the beheader’ Aziz, said “People think that all we do is go around barbarically destroying anything that doesn’t fit a very specific and medieval version of Islam. But that’s not true.

“For instance, as an archaeologist, I am fascinated by the Temple of Bel, even if it is a place of heathen worship, and… oh hang on, sorry, I think that explosion was probably the temple. Well, to be fair, we probably had to do that one.

“But just look at all the

May 20, 2015

Prince Charles and Gerry Adams in suspected ‘bodyswap’

by philapilus

“Well now, dis is a bit o’ a gamechanger, so it is”

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about

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