Excerpts from the long-awaited Chilcot Report, leaked exclusively to TMB this evening, reveal the prime culprit of the Iraq War – believed to have contributed to the death of almost half a million Iraqis, as the country slid into chaos following the US-led invasion of 2003 – to be none other than international jewel thief Douglas Vanderbildt.
Exclusive: Chilcot report expected to pin blame for Iraq war on “international jewel thief, Douglas Vanderbildt”
The Daily Mail newspaper has announced a charitable appeal in order to raise funds for Michael Adebolago’s dental work.
The newspaper learned that the killer of Lee Rigby had lost two front teeth whilst being restrained by prison officers, and immediately decided to help.
Mail spokesperson, Mike Ock, said “Our paper is not just about cutting-edge journalism, we’re also about compassion. Lots of compassion. When we heard
The shooting down of a Russian warplane by Turkish jets has inadvertently brought about an international detente, after major powers agreed that things were clearly out of hand.
President Putin said “This has given me pause to reflect and to think about all kinds of things in a calm and measured way.
“For instance, I am now wondering whether we should be less belligerent in our testing of other nation’s borders, and also
Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.
Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.
Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a
David Cameron will lay out his new strategy for dealing with the mass migration problem this afternoon, which is expected to involve having a quick whip round for a commiserations card and a bouquet of flowers from a petrol station.
Sources close to the Prime Minister say he “will praise the courage of Syrian refugees, before promising to send the posey of flowers – and possibly a pack of Rich Tea biscuits that he’s had in the cupboard for ages and which no one has eaten.”
Mr Cameron will also, it is hinted, ask any
Experts analysing the vast tape collection of Osama Bin Laden have revealed that the Al Qaeda leader “was a huge fan of bands like the Bangles, the Mamas and the Papas, and British folk rock outfit, Steeleye Span.”
Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Sound Studies went through more than 1500 casettes, and found that Bin Laden’s musical tastes tended to focus on anything recorded before Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’, which was the most recent album that he owned.
“‘Nevermind’ was almost worn out,” said McEyebrau “So he’d obviously listened to it a lot. We think he
CNN has said ISIS is “completely thrilled” by the US Supreme Court’s decision to legalise gay marriage nationwide.
The revelation came after star correspondent Lucy Pawle reported spotting the fundamentalist religious organisation’s flag at a gay pride event in London.
A spokesman for CNN said “I know you’re all probably quite surprised by this, but ISIS are huge fans of gay marriage. Or ‘marriage’ as we should all just get used to calling it.
“Yeah, ISIS are kind of
The former British prime minister Tony Blair has said his decision to step down as peace envoy to the middle east was motivated by “the offer of a much more interesting role as war ambassador to the region.”
Blair’s tenure as peace envoy was always troubled by accusations that he was the wrong man for the job. Partly because he had previously been involved in destroying quite a bit of the Middle East, and partly because he achieved fuck-all in 8 years.
But after quitting the post yesterday, he told reporters “I’ve assessed my options to contribute to the world and decided – by which I mean ‘have been offered a much better salary’ – to spread war and discord instead.
“Sort of like a
Islamic State militants announced today that they would be taking over the curating and preservation of the UNESCO World Heritage Site of Palmyra, the ruins of which are amongst the most important in the ancient world.
The IS spokesman for antiquities, Abdul ‘the beheader’ Aziz, said “People think that all we do is go around barbarically destroying anything that doesn’t fit a very specific and medieval version of Islam. But that’s not true.
“For instance, as an archaeologist, I am fascinated by the Temple of Bel, even if it is a place of heathen worship, and… oh hang on, sorry, I think that explosion was probably the temple. Well, to be fair, we probably had to do that one.
“But just look at all the
It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.
An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.
Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about