Archive for ‘USA’

July 19, 2016

Trump’s wife made ‘covert attempt to derail husband’s campaign’

by philapilus

May contain plastic

Melania Trump has admitted that she did not plagiarise Michelle Obama, but was rather “in agreement with her about Barack.”

Mrs Trump said “When I repeated her comments about President Obama, I was actually trying to subliminally remind everyone that Michelle has a sane, competent, and actually even occasionally  inspirational spouse.

“I have Donald.”

She went on to

June 14, 2016

Homophobia fine, says world

by philapilus

This is a symbol of god’s everlasting love for, and necessary genocide of, the human race. NOT a symbol for bum-banditry.

Everyone has reached a consensus that homophobia is basically fine, in the wake of America’s most deadly shooting in Orlando at the weekend.

After 49 people were massacred in a gay nightclub by Omar Mateen, the world’s media agreed that Islamic, jihadi, terrorist, and radicalism were the only terms necessary for understanding the murders, and that baseline homophobia – prevalent in mainstream religions and in society more widely – wasn’t really worth mentioning.

Media analyst Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “What we

May 13, 2016

Trump creates robot butler to draw away flak

by philapilus

Similarly C3PO successfully masked the fact that George Lucas offered a bounty for the decapitated head of Bill Clinton

It was revealed today that disturbed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has created an insane android butler, in an attempt to distract voters from noticing how batshit-mental he is himself.

The butlerbot, named Anthony Senecal, has already begun performing its function, calling for President Obama to be killed and strung up outside the White House, for all newborn Asian-Americans to be strapped to rockets and  fired into the heart of the sun, and for frogs to be given driving licenses.

A source close to Trump said

April 7, 2016

Trump continues to reel following “handgate” allegations

by articulatedsheep

Donald Trump’s nomination hopes have taken a significant hit after a poor showing in Wisconsin, attributed in no small measure to the continued fallout from the so-called “handgate” allegations. In this column, we set out the background to these allegations – and why it is that they have placed a significant obstacle on the red-faced wankstain’s aspirations for the White House.

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Trump: “engorged”

For months, Trump’s opponents in both the Republican and Democratic Parties had struggled to lay a blow on the property mogul. Suggestions of inconsistency, policy flip-flopping, rabble-rousing and a simple lack of competence seemed to have made no impression on primary voters.

All that changed when reports began to circulate a few weeks ago that Trump has unnaturally tiny, weak hands.

April 3, 2016

US election – the other GOP candidates

by articulatedsheep

Such has been the relentless focus of the national and international media on Donald Trump, it is easy to forget that there are still two other Republican hopefuls in the race. As the prospect of a brokered convention grows greater, both are vying to be seen to party bigwigs that they can be the best compromise candidate. However, given that Trump is likely to go it alone as an independent if he fails to win the nomination, the personal character and political capital that these two men can command will be critical if the party hopes to hold its own when the nation votes in November. Who, then, are these men – Ted Cruz and John Kasich?

March 19, 2016

Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.

donald_trump_gop

“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

March 1, 2016

Trump blames bad earpiece for haircut

by philapilus

“This terrible microphone is making all my words come out batshit mad as well”

On the eve of Super Tuesday Donald Trump has announced that a faulty electronic earpiece is to blame for his failure to communicate normally with other humans, and also for his extraordinary hairstyle.

Trump expanded on an earlier statement – that his failure to condemn Ku Klux Klansman David Duke during a CNN interview was down to poor audio – to link the earpiece additionally to his inability to remember, cogitate, speak or perform basic motor activities such as controlling his tremulous jowls.

The tycoon and presidential hopeful said “I’ve got bad – a bad – you know the earpiece they gave me is – it – sometimes things look green if you don’t eat frozen poop – but listen if you want great – a great leader to – look, my wallet is bigger than a brick – I can’t

December 11, 2015

Mugabe backs Hopkins on backing Trump

by philapilus

‘England’s Rose’: according to Peter Sutcliffe, 84% of people consider Katie Hopkins to be the epitome of beauty

Robert Mugabe has this morning weighed into the argument over Donald Trump’s call for a US Muslim ban, claiming that “65% of all Britons agree with Katie Hopkins that at least 25% of all Britons agree with Donald Trump. Britain First! America First! Rights for Whites!”

Mugabe’s words were immediately backed by Kim Jong Un, whose support for Mugabe was subsequently backed by ISIS, who claimed that 3.3bn people (including themselves) had signed a petition calling for Trump to be king of the world.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Fuckwit-Analysis said “This is not the first time this has happened; a bigoted twat comes up with some spurious bullshit, which is immediately backed by an even bigger moron who invents some statistics, which are

December 8, 2015

Trump calls for ban on electricity entering the US

by philapilus
File:Donald August 19 (cropped).jpg

Thoughtful: moments after the static left his hair looking like this, Trump hatches his plan for containment and annihilation

Donald Trump has called for a national ban on electricity today, after suffering a ‘static attack’ that completely ruined his carefully coiffured hair.

The Republican presidential hopeful was just entering a revolving door when he received an electric shock, caused by a perfect storm of rubber soles, nylon carpet, and a bloated bag of wind.

Trump immediately called a press conference, launching a tirade against “Un-American electricity that hides in the carpet, or the wall, or the air, and then

November 24, 2015

Turkish downing of Russian jet leads to pause for reflection

by philapilus

He’ll probably just tell Turkey that it’s no big deal, accidents happen, and not to worry about it

The shooting down of a Russian warplane by Turkish jets has inadvertently brought about an international detente, after major powers agreed that things were clearly out of hand.

President Putin said “This has given me pause to reflect and to think about all kinds of things in a calm and measured way.

“For instance, I am now wondering whether we should be less belligerent in our testing of other nation’s borders, and also

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