Archive for ‘USA’

February 6, 2018

Donald Trump stoically shoulders blame for stock market turbulence

by philapilus
Image result for donald trump

Trump arriving on his space hopper

In a typical display of great statesmanship, Donald Trump has told America that he will personally accept all responsibility for the huge losses the US stock market has seen over the last two days.

Trump said “Remember when stocks were riding high and the economy was doing really

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January 17, 2018

Trump’s cognitive ability ‘normal’, says man whose job depends on pleasing him

by philapilus

Got the same score as Trump

A military doctor working for Trump’s White House and within the military of which Donald Trump is Commander-in-Chief has made the completely independent decision to announce that Trump is cognitively normal.

Rear admiral and Physician to the President Dr Ronny Jackson told reporters “It just so happens that the man upon whom my job depends is not, as so many of you suspect, a raging maniac with the self-awareness of a peanut and the reasoning capacity of a cow being electrocuted.

“Rather he

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January 15, 2018

Trump proves he isn’t a racist by saying that he isn’t

by philapilus

“Does this face look racist? Let me tell you, this face is not racist, this is not a racist face. I wouldn’t lie, trust me. How could I be lying – I’m white!”

Orange sociopath Donald Trump has silenced critics and proved his non-racist credentials once and for all, after explaining to reporters that whatever he says is absolutely fine as long as he tells you it is.

The White House squatter was under fire for allegedly referring to poorer countries as ‘shitholes’ during a meeting with senior republicans and democrats, but the Trump camp claims such fake news has now successfully been dispelled by “the expert and statesmanlike subsequent emission of flatulence from Donald’s mouth.”

Using his preferred

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December 13, 2017

Alabama slightly prefers Democrat to paedophile

by philapilus
File:Doug Jones Trees.jpg

Neither a paedophile nor a bigot, Jones won for reasons the Republicans cannot fathom

The State of Alabama has grudgingly accepted that it would on the whole probably be better if they were represented in the United States Senate by a Democrat rather than an alleged multiple sex offender and paedophile.

Democrat candidate Doug Jones beat notoriously bigoted ex-judge Roy Moore in a close race, which nevertheless proved that even the

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July 17, 2017

Martin Landau surprisingly reanimated

by unpseudable

After being saddened by his death, the world of Hollywood was this week stunned by renowned actor Martin Landau apparently coming back to life.

Landau

Landau earlier today

“It obviously wasn’t the uncommon reanimation that shocked me,” said recently deceased film critic Barry Norman. “I mean, I’ve seen that in literally thousands of films. No, it was more the irony that it was Landau who rose from the grave rather than legendary zombie movie director George Romero.”

Romero, who also sadly passed away this week, stubbornly refused to come back to life. “I just don’t see the point,” he is reported to have said,

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June 6, 2017

Trump threat to Khan: ‘I could destroy London’

by philapilus

The tiny-handed little scrotumface dictating his tweet to someone with large enough digits to work a phone

The Twitter spat between London Mayor Sadiq Khan and orange blob Donald Trump escalated dramatically this morning, after the latter tweeted ‘Khan should watch out; I could destroy London. Nuke it. No problem. And will if he doesn’t start respecting me. #watchoutlondon.’

In the aftermath of terrorist attacks on London at the weekend Mr Khan had reassured Londoners that subsequent increased police presence was nothing to worry about.

Trump however mistook this to mean that the

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May 22, 2017

Glowing telepathic orb ‘traumatised’ after touch of Trump

by philapilus
Solar Background

‘The horror…the…horror…’

A glowing orb designed to read the minds of all who touch it has said it will never work again after being handled by Donald Trump yesterday.

Trump – along with Saudi King Salman and the Egyptian president Abdul Fattah al-Sisi – decided to have their profoundest secrets and thoughts exposed to 

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April 19, 2017

US armada lost at sea

by philapilus
File:Fleet 5 nations.jpg

“F*ck knows where they’re going, but they do look cool when they’re in formation don’t they?”

The US Navy has confirmed that the Carl Vinson strike group “could be pretty much anywhere”.

A spokesperson said “Look, when we said we were sending warships to North Korea we were expressing a sort of passing notion, not actual military tactics.

“It was more of a vague

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March 21, 2017

Allen highlights oppression of rich white actors

by unpseudable
Tim Allen

Oppressed

Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.

Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.

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March 21, 2017

Investigation into Trump-Russia ties continu-OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!

by philapilus

“What’s he got there in his little handsies? Oh isn’t he adorable!”

After the FBI investigation into alleged connections between Russia and the Trump campaign became public knowledge yesterday, the White House responded “Oh look at that little puppy playing on the lawn! Isn’t he gorgeous??”

The significance of potentially myriad links between Trump’s camp and the USA’s main global rival have been dwarfed by other news, including numerous POTUS tweets about hippogriffs, a crayon drawing Sean Spicer made of a racing car, and the announcement that Trump’s son is to become a father later this year.

Alleged corruption at the highest levels is also unimportant this morning, because Ivanka is going to

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