Archive for ‘USA’

November 15, 2016

Country that elected bigoted baboon shocked by racist FB post

by philapilus

“She got them there white teeth they all got, parbly stoled them someplace, an she only got ten fingers, what kinda woman is that anyhow?!”

A country which this week decided its next president should be an ageing, insane moron has expressed widespread shock after a racist Facebook post went viral.

The plucky but little-known ‘USA’ had just held an election intended to find a leader imbued with the nation’s most quintessential qualities, resulting in victory for bigoted reality TV star and failed businessman, Donald Trump.

But despite being delighted to elect an overt racist as Leader of the Free World, many Americans were shocked when Marylou Nailinthehead, from Hicksville West Virginia, wrote a racist message about

November 6, 2016

Tuesday 8th November ‘excellent day to borrow money’

by philapilus
YeGon_millions

Quite possibly this will all be worthless anyway, if we end up in the post-money, barter-based economy of Armageddon

Financial advisors have advised people seeking finances to borrow heavily this Tuesday.

Tim Twanks, Financial Advisor at Financial Advice Services, a financial advice company, said “It is our view that Tuesday 8th November 2016 is the very best day to take out an enormous personal loan, using your house or even your children as security.

“Because

November 6, 2016

World disappointed as Trump protestor revealed to be unarmed

by philapilus

160303220529-gop-march-3-trump-2-780x439

[Edit.note: can’t wait till election finishes and we don’t have to look at this fat bigot’s face anymore]

The world admitted its enormous disappointment today, after it transpired that a protestor at a Trump rally had not brought a gun, let alone managed to get a few well-aimed shots off.

Austin Crites was tackled by security agents for waving a ‘Republicans Against Trump’ placard during the rally in Reno, but was discovered to be unarmed and harmless.

“I’m not saying I could ever sanction the idea of an assassination attempt,” said Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, “But if Crites had

September 12, 2016

Gravely ill Clinton “still preferable”

by philapilus
File:Hillary Clinton Testimony to House Select Committee on Benghazi.png

Embalmed and stuffed: but still better

Medical experts said today that even if Hillary Clinton was very ill indeed she would still make a better president than Donald Trump.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Washington school for Overanalysing Presidential Candidate Health, said “We’ve been running multiple computer simulations of how a sick Hillary Clinton might fare in office, ever since it emerged yesterday that she has pneumonia.

“Using complicated algorithms we’ve examined every possibility of every health issue Secretary Clinton could potentially

September 1, 2016

Trump to rid US of people within 1 hour

by philapilus

“And you’re going, and you, and you, and you, and you there next to her, and you, and definitely you with the dark face, and you, and…”

Republican candidate Donald Trump has vowed to empty the United States of its entire population within his first sixty minutes as president if he is elected.

The strange-haired, rotund demagogue had earlier in the week visited Mexico, where strangely he failed to do his normal shouty anti-Mexican thing.

Hours later however he was in Arizona thrilling crowds with a speech about his much-publicised border wall with Mexico, and promising to deport

August 25, 2016

Farage and Trump to go on date

by philapilus

“Look I know you’re not happy about it, but he just…*gets* me, Melania, and that’s all there is to it.”

Nigel Farage and Donald Trump have agreed to go for a pint and maybe a dinner at Pizza Express, after hitting it off earlier in the week.

Farage spoke at a Trump rally, likening the glorious American future under Trump to the glorious British future post-Brexit, highlighting the glorious lack of ethnic minorities and money.

A Trump aide said “As Donald watched Nigel a light came into his eyes, and he began to gently

August 1, 2016

‘Trump sacrifices’ mostly offerings to Cthulhu

by philapilus

Donald getting out of the bath

Donald Trump has spoken out against the parents of a dead Muslim soldier, after they accused him of never having made sacrifices for his country.

Ghazala and Khizr Khan, parents of US Army captain Humayun Khan, said Trump did not understand Islam or sacrifice, leading the Republican candidate to retort with a waggle of his jowls and a shriek of bestial rage.

Interviewed later whilst

July 19, 2016

Trump’s wife made ‘covert attempt to derail husband’s campaign’

by philapilus

May contain plastic

Melania Trump has admitted that she did not plagiarise Michelle Obama, but was rather “in agreement with her about Barack.”

Mrs Trump said “When I repeated her comments about President Obama, I was actually trying to subliminally remind everyone that Michelle has a sane, competent, and actually even occasionally  inspirational spouse.

“I have Donald.”

She went on to

June 14, 2016

Homophobia fine, says world

by philapilus

This is a symbol of god’s everlasting love for, and necessary genocide of, the human race. NOT a symbol for bum-banditry.

Everyone has reached a consensus that homophobia is basically fine, in the wake of America’s most deadly shooting in Orlando at the weekend.

After 49 people were massacred in a gay nightclub by Omar Mateen, the world’s media agreed that Islamic, jihadi, terrorist, and radicalism were the only terms necessary for understanding the murders, and that baseline homophobia – prevalent in mainstream religions and in society more widely – wasn’t really worth mentioning.

Media analyst Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “What we

May 13, 2016

Trump creates robot butler to draw away flak

by philapilus

Similarly C3PO successfully masked the fact that George Lucas offered a bounty for the decapitated head of Bill Clinton

It was revealed today that disturbed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has created an insane android butler, in an attempt to distract voters from noticing how batshit-mental he is himself.

The butlerbot, named Anthony Senecal, has already begun performing its function, calling for President Obama to be killed and strung up outside the White House, for all newborn Asian-Americans to be strapped to rockets and  fired into the heart of the sun, and for frogs to be given driving licenses.

A source close to Trump said