Archive for ‘USA’

April 19, 2017

US armada lost at sea

by philapilus
File:Fleet 5 nations.jpg

“F*ck knows where they’re going, but they do look cool when they’re in formation don’t they?”

The US Navy has confirmed that the Carl Vinson strike group “could be pretty much anywhere”.

A spokesperson said “Look, when we said we were sending warships to North Korea we were expressing a sort of passing notion, not actual military tactics.

“It was more of a vague

read more »

March 21, 2017

Allen highlights oppression of rich white actors

by unpseudable
Tim Allen

Oppressed

Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.

Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.

read more »

March 21, 2017

Investigation into Trump-Russia ties continu-OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!

by philapilus

“What’s he got there in his little handsies? Oh isn’t he adorable!”

After the FBI investigation into alleged connections between Russia and the Trump campaign became public knowledge yesterday, the White House responded “Oh look at that little puppy playing on the lawn! Isn’t he gorgeous??”

The significance of potentially myriad links between Trump’s camp and the USA’s main global rival have been dwarfed by other news, including numerous POTUS tweets about hippogriffs, a crayon drawing Sean Spicer made of a racing car, and the announcement that Trump’s son is to become a father later this year.

Alleged corruption at the highest levels is also unimportant this morning, because Ivanka is going to

read more »

March 12, 2017

White House ‘intruder’ returned to place in Oval Office

by philapilus
640px-white_house_02

President Bannon was in residence but agents say he was perfectly safe throughout

A mentally unstable man who climbed over the perimeter fence of the White House was stopped by agents and then taken back inside, the US Secret Service has said.

The septuagenarian, who agents said was babbling “Like the unholy offspring of a Nazi and an orangutang” was discovered with a backpack and a huge tub of wig-weave gel, wandering the grounds and screaming at his shoes.

Secret Service spokesperson Ann Onymous said “The tubby, strange

read more »

February 17, 2017

Charles Manson ‘considering national security advisor role’

by philapilus
File:Manson-June-2011.jpg

Manson with his CV

A spokesperson for Charles Manson has confirmed that the 82 year old is considering Donald Trump’s offer to replace Michael Flynn as national security advisor.

Trump fired Mr Flynn on Monday, after it transpired that the White House was not

read more »

January 31, 2017

People who voted for stupid thing ‘not to blame if it was protest vote’

by philapilus

“All I said was ‘hey let’s just keep going’, but you should have ignored me; it’s not my fault I’m a moron”

People who have voted for something really fucking awful are not to blame when it happens provided the vote was only a protest vote, according to themselves.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who voted for an enraged baboon to usurp the office of President of the United States said “It’s not my fault that we now have a shrieking primate in charge of the country, waggling his turkey-neck and waving his tiny hands.

“I only voted for him in protest against the

read more »

Tags: ,
January 23, 2017

Trump claims tornadoes ‘sent by God’

by philapilus
File:USPresidentialSeal.jpg

In four years time there will be an actual person who can legitimately use this, rather than an intemperate caveman with the intellect and sex appeal of a dying whelk

Pretend President Trump has suggested that God is responsible for the deaths of 18 people in the Southern United States after severe weather and tornadoes ripped through Georgia and Mississippi.

Trump previously cited God’s decision to personally favour him by stopping the rain during his inaugural speech*, explaining that “the weather from now on will reflect the Almighty’s positive feelings towards me.”

But after the violent storms caused chaos, the

read more »

January 18, 2017

Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
640px-donald_trump_and_mike_pence_rnc_july_2016

A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then

read more »

January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
donald_trump_nyma

There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

read more »

November 15, 2016

Country that elected bigoted baboon shocked by racist FB post

by philapilus

“She got them there white teeth they all got, parbly stoled them someplace, an she only got ten fingers, what kinda woman is that anyhow?!”

A country which this week decided its next president should be an ageing, insane moron has expressed widespread shock after a racist Facebook post went viral.

The plucky but little-known ‘USA’ had just held an election intended to find a leader imbued with the nation’s most quintessential qualities, resulting in victory for bigoted reality TV star and failed businessman, Donald Trump.

But despite being delighted to elect an overt racist as Leader of the Free World, many Americans were shocked when Marylou Nailinthehead, from Hicksville West Virginia, wrote a racist message about

read more »