Archive for ‘UK’

September 7, 2016

Walls are answer to everything, agrees everyone

by philapilus

Is there anything walls can’t do?!

Everybody said this morning that walls are just brilliant, and offer by far the best solution to any problem.

The consensus was reached after the UK announced it would be building a wall to keep migrants away from the main road to the port of Calais to protect haulage lorries from aggressive boarders.

Geoff Shovel, Chief Engineer of the Calais Wall said “Walls are the clear choice for

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June 30, 2016

Breaking News: Boris’s mum sends note excusing him from PM duties

by philapilus
johnson sicknote

Not suspicious at all

Boris Johnson’s mum has confirmed that sadly he will not be standing to be the next prime minister, and has sent a note asking that he be excused from all EU referendum fallout.

Johnson – who went very, very quiet after last week’s vote – has said that this is definitely nothing to

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June 29, 2016

UK doesn’t remember Turkey

by philapilus

Drawing a blank

The United Kingdom said this morning that it can’t quite remember Turkey, asking whether it was perhaps in South America.

After news broke that a city in Turkey had suffered a huge terrorist attack, with scores of people dead, Britain collectively mouthed the country’s name, whilst shaking its head in puzzlement.

Man on the street Geoff Shovel said “Turkey…Turk-ey…? Nope, nope not really ringing any bells. Are you

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June 28, 2016

Hodgson resigns from shadow cabinet

by philapilus

has had enough of Corbyn

Roy Hodgson has resigned from the shadow cabinet following the England football  team’s drubbing at the hands of a country with less people in it than Shropshire.

After England pulled out of Euro 2016 due to being comprehensively beaten, Hodgson said he “no longer had faith in Jeremy Corbyn, and I will no longer serve in

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June 27, 2016

Britain only allowed to vote for TV talent shows in future

by philapilus

You can vote for this, but NOTHING ELSE

Britain has been told that it should restrict itself to voting on completely pointless shit like Saturday night talent shows, and must now refrain from ever voting on anything that matters.

Experts stressed the importance of Britain never going near a ballot box again, after the country effectively voted in favour of jumping off a very tall cliff to see how much it hurt when you hit the ground.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of

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June 27, 2016

Gran gets shit birthday presents

by philapilus
image

Obligatory Britain-is-broken picture

A grandmother has received terrible birthday gifts from her grandchildren today, leaving her shocked and confused.

“I don’t understand” said Granny “Samantha normally gets me something really nice, but this year all I got was a book called Politics for Dummies.

“She knows I’m not going to read that; I’ve got no interest in politics at all. That’s why I voted Leave.”

Granny confirmed that

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June 24, 2016

Cameron quits to be first in job queue

by philapilus

“I don’t suppose you have any positions open? I am looking for something as far away from Britain as possible.”

David Cameron has resigned today as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, in order to be first in the job queue.

Following Britain’s historic and courageous decision to cut itself off from Europe and drown in the North Sea, Mr Cameron said “I just want to say that although this referendum malarkey has clearly been a huge mistake in hindsight, I am confident and optimistic that if I get to the job centre quickly, I should be able to get my CV in before the rest of you.

“Look, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I’ve done what no

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June 23, 2016

EU Referendum: the final deliberation

by unpseudable
vote remain today

Fair and balanced reporting guaranteed *

As voters go to the polls, TMB asks two average members of the public on opposite sides of the debate to give their considered opinions on the definitely entirely valuable referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union.

 

On the side of Leave is ordinary guy, Guy Ordinary:

“Look, I’m not racist or anything, but every single problem that this country is facing is entirely down to bloody immigrants.

“But that’s not why I’m voting Leave – not the only reason anyway. The main reason – the other main reason – is, right, do you have any idea what we pay to the EU every year? No, neither do I,

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June 16, 2016

Brexit naval battle signals beginning of hostilities

by philapilus

Sadly neither Geldoff nor Farage was injured in the carnage

The war between the Leave and Remain campaigns has finally started, after a major battle on the Thames between the navies of the opposing sides.

The Leave flotilla, under Admiral Nigel Farage, sailed up the Thames towards the Houses of Parliament, where they planned to take the government by surprise, bombing the Palace of Westminster into the water and taking the Prime Minister captive.

But the Remain fleet, bravely led by Commodore Bob Geldoff, met

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June 1, 2016

UK’s oldest document reveals ancient Brexit uncertainty

by philapilus

The writer goes on to accuse opponents of scaremongering and inventing misleading statistics

A tablet discovered during an archaeological dig in London – and believed to be the oldest hand-written document in the UK – was actually an opinion piece on Brexit, it has been revealed.

The wooden tablet dates from 57 AD, and appears to have been a fragment of a large wooden newspaper article, weighing up the pros and cons of severing ties with the continent.

The deciphered

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