Archive for ‘Television’

February 23, 2016

30-somethings shocked after Friends’ cast reunion is crap

by philapilus
File:Friends logo.svg

Yeah, but who gives a fuck anymore?

The TV reunion of most of the cast of Friends (apart from the one who couldn’t be bothered to turn up) was not the best thing ever, admitted disappointed fans today.

Lacking a script, youthful demeanor, a story, and the one actor who was quite funny, the stars sat down and did bugger-all for 2 hours – to everyone’s surprise.

Wendy Nailinthehead, IT drone, said “Me and my girls thought it would be amazing, and that we would all be magically transported back to our early carefree twenties, when we were cool.

“Instead we spent an evening listening to boring anecdotes from

December 7, 2015

BBC: Major makes petition to axe Tyson Fury from SPOTY shortlist unnecessary

by philapilus

He can snap a man’s hand off with those powerful fingers

The BBC has said today that there is no need for anyone to get worked up about Tyson Fury’s nomination for Sports Personality of the Year as “he doesn’t stand a chance against top candidate John Major anyway”.

The response came after 55,000 people signed a petition to take Fury out of the running, due to comments that many considered sexist and homophobic.

Corporation spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Admittedly Fury’s words weren’t at all in keeping with the genteel, politically correct, and

December 3, 2015

Bruce Forsyth in repair shop, will miss Christmas Strictly

by philapilus
File:Sir Bruce Forsyth opening The Sir Bruce Forsyth Auditorium at Millfield Theatre on October 6th 2009 2014-08-10 12-29.jpg

At home with friends

The animatronics inside the preserved corpse of TV presenter Sir Bruce Forsyth have malfunctioned and are undergoing extensive repairs, meaning ‘Brucie’ will not be presenting the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special.

A BBC spokesperson said that “Having Sir Bruce on the show before the repairs are properly finished would be very unwise. A piston might punch right through his brittle, leathery skin and knock Claudia Winkleman’s teeth out.

“He will have to be dipped in formaldehyde and his circuit board will need to be wired from scratch. We’re sorry to say that Sir Bruce will therefore not

October 19, 2015

Downton Abbey celebrates the rise of fascist appeasement

by philapilus

The finale to season 47 will feature the obligatory robot butler

Fans of Downton Abbey have lauded the appearance of Neville Chamberlain in last night’s episode, where he prophesied the rise of European fascism, much to the pleasure of the family and staff.

The pseudo-historical soap opera featured the pro-appeasement politician coming to dinner, where he delighted the Earl of Grantham and Lady Violet with a long-winded explanation about how important it is to make friends with powerful, morally bankrupt dictators.

“If only there was a strong leader in Germany,” said Neville, “someone to

September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s

June 24, 2015

Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of

June 1, 2015

Nick Clegg ‘over the moon’ Russia has heard of him

by philapilus

We didn’t have a picture of him in the photo library, and no one can remember what he looks like

Nick Clegg is said to be ‘incredibly excited’ and ‘over the moon’ after Russia announced he was banned from entering the country – thus proving that they actually knew who he was.

The former deputy prime minister has spent the weeks since the election sitting mournfully on a park bench in Victoria Tower Gardens, crying into his fists.

But sources close to Nick said his misery turned to jubilation when he

April 30, 2015

Farage to enlist UK Gold and Granada Television in war against BBC

by philapilus

The Beeb will rue the day it went up against a highly polished organisation like Ukip…

Ukip has said that it will completely bypass the BBC, and communicate only via TV channels embracing “traditional British values”, for the remainder of its election campaign.

The party announced its war on the BBC after Nigel Farage took offence at a dig made against him on its flagship satirical show, Have I got News For You.

Ukip spokeswoman, Gina Flange, said “I think it’s disgraceful that a BBC documentary programme

April 17, 2015

Farage attacks BBC audience “composed entirely of time-travelling Leninists”

by philapilus

“Karl Marx is in my kitchen cupboard!

Nigel Farage has blamed the BBC for audience hostility during last night’s TV debate, claiming that the corporation had filled the seats with time-travellers from the Bolshevik USSR.

During a tirade aimed at one of his thumbs, Farage broke away to castigate the BBC and everyone in the room, saying “I’ve never seen so many Russian revolutionaries in my life! You’re all from that film with the baby carriage and the stairs, and you all want to eat my leg!”

Although David Dimbleby attempted to explain to him the process by which audiences are chosen, Farage ignored him, and shouted that he was “Having none of this darkie-loving pinko lingo” before climbing onto his lectern, and defecating noisily into his cupped hands.

The Ukip leader then

April 15, 2015

Cameron pledges Good Life DVDs for everyone

by philapilus

A Conservative favourite, the Good Life featured a rich couple, and the peasants next door who lived off roots from the garden.

David Cameron has promised that a Conservative government will ensure everyone in the UK receives a cheap knock-off copy of three Good Life episodes, in one of those cardboard sleeves like you get free in the Daily Mail.

The Prime Minister said “In these times of austerity we will of course stick to the long term economic plan, of encouraging you all to bend over and assume the position. But I want the Good Life for each and every one of you. On DVD, which is cheaper and more realistic than actually providing a genuinely reasonable existence.

“We’re not giving you all of them, obviously; that would be extravagant. But you can have, oh I don’t know, maybe three episodes? Maybe the first one, and the one where they’re fighting over the windbreaker. Oh, and the Christmas one, where they all get drunk, and Tom and Jerry try and seduce each others’ wives.

“Just like when