Archive for ‘Sport’

August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and

June 28, 2016

Corbyn blamed for Engxit

by unpseudable
jeremy_corbyn_global_justice_now

That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely

Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.

‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.

‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing,

June 28, 2016

Hodgson resigns from shadow cabinet

by philapilus

has had enough of Corbyn

Roy Hodgson has resigned from the shadow cabinet following the England football  team’s drubbing at the hands of a country with less people in it than Shropshire.

After England pulled out of Euro 2016 due to being comprehensively beaten, Hodgson said he “no longer had faith in Jeremy Corbyn, and I will no longer serve in

June 7, 2016

Officials warn of ‘terror and violence’ at Euro 2016

by philapilus
320px-Crystal_Palace_fans_pitch_invasion_to_celebrate_with_players

They just want to be close to the players – it’s easier to glass them that way

Football officials have issued a warning that Euro 2016 may be beset by violence, after it transpired that many England fans would be travelling to watch their team get knocked out in the first round.

Jacques Fromage, head of UEFA, said “The French police predict that the championship will be marred by terrifying acts of violence; with drunken Englishmen rampaging through towns, throwing chairs through windows, and beating up Johnny Foreigners, whilst singing ‘Vindaloo’ at the tops of their voices.

“We must be vigilant.”

England fans are

March 8, 2016

Nike drop Sharapova for wrong kind of ethical breach

by philapilus
File:Logo nike principal.jpg

Hypocrisy: tick

Sports giant Nike have announced they are suspending sponsorship of Maria Sharapova after she failed a drug test, because “as ethical breaches go this is not a lucrative one”.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke explained “As far as we are concerned, Maria has committed an abominable act that does not help our bottom line.

“We are proud of our unblemished and morally sound business record, and are

January 18, 2016

Match-fixing ‘rampant’ in lawn bowls

by philapilus

Particularly nefarious teams often name themselves after vicious street-gangs; pictured here are the ‘Hiccupton Hells Angels’

The world of sport was further rocked by controversy today, after it transpired that amateur bowls is plagued by match-fixing.

The BBC’s revelations of match-fixing in tennis earlier this morning caused front-page outrage, but the story has been knocked off the headline green by the news that the phenomenon is also widespread in the bowls game.

Investigative journalist Samantha Furcup said “You might think bowls is about gentle-looking old folk standing around in their white clothes and carefully

December 7, 2015

BBC: Major makes petition to axe Tyson Fury from SPOTY shortlist unnecessary

by philapilus

He can snap a man’s hand off with those powerful fingers

The BBC has said today that there is no need for anyone to get worked up about Tyson Fury’s nomination for Sports Personality of the Year as “he doesn’t stand a chance against top candidate John Major anyway”.

The response came after 55,000 people signed a petition to take Fury out of the running, due to comments that many considered sexist and homophobic.

Corporation spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Admittedly Fury’s words weren’t at all in keeping with the genteel, politically correct, and

October 4, 2015

England’s love affair with Australia going strong

by philapilus

“‘H’ stands for ‘Happy for them’. The beer-guzzling, wallaby-riding scum” said England

It has been confirmed this weekend that the English are still just absolutely head over heels in love with Australia, and wish Australians nothing but happiness and good fortune in all their ventures.

An online poll which took place between 10PM Saturday night and Sunday lunchtime found that English men were particularly keen on Aussies, with almost 90% of male respondents confirming that they had ‘nothing but good thoughts’ about the chaps from down under.

Englishman Stuart Lancaster said “Ah, Australia. Brings a smile to my face just to think about them. Nothing makes me happier than

July 31, 2015

Walter Palmer “unrepentant” after killing trophy patients

by philapilus

Just say ‘aahhhhAAARRRGGHHHHHNOPLEASENODON’TSHOOT!’

Dentist Walter Palmer has admitted he has “no intention of ceasing to blow the living fuck out of big game animals” after reports that he hunted down and shot several of his patients.

The Minnesota tooth-wrangler shot Zimbabwe’s most famous lion, Cecil, on a hunting trip after the creature was lured out of its reservation.

But, bloodlust unsated, Palmer returned to the States, put on his pith helmet, and went on another big game spree, killing three of his patients, an ice cream vendor, four squirrels, a cat, and a goldfish, using a minigun and several sticks of 

July 12, 2015

John Major “surprised but delighted” after Wimbledon victory

by philapilus

Sheer class

Sir John Major has said he is “surprised – delighted but surprised!” after beating Novak Djokovic to win Wimbledon yesterday.

The 72 year old former Prime Minister, who beat the 28 year old defending champion in 4 sets, said “I didn’t know I had it in me! To be honest it’s the first time I’d picked up a racket since school.”

To the surprise of many pundits, the racket Major used was in fact the old school racket mentioned, a vintage wooden affair – certainly a strange choice against Djokovic’s