Archive for ‘Society’

January 18, 2017

Moths name turd-like pupa after Trump

by philapilus
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Despite what you might think looking at him the horrible creature didn’t come out of someone’s ass – and nor did the pupa

Lepidopterists discovered today that moths have honoured Donald Trump by naming a newly-discovered pupa after him.

Attacus Atlas moth Atticus Flinch* said to assembled taxonomists “I found the pupa this morning underneath a leaf, and decided I just had to name it for the president elect.

“Like Donald, the pupa we are calling Twattacus donaldtrumpi has a strange yellow hairy mop at the top, which looks fake as shit and stuck on, but is apparently part of the sack. Also like Donald, the pupa looks

January 18, 2017

Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
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A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then

January 12, 2017

2016 in headlines

by philapilus
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RIP to the only royalty who was ever worth a damn

Once again we look back over the last year through the major news headlines from around the globe. It’s our way of reminding you of the main events, movers and shakers of 2016, and definitely isn’t just  an easy way of tossing off a quick article whilst we’re on the toilet.

Brexit voters “will be first ones saved in the Rapture”

Russian athletes all secretly

January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
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There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

January 10, 2017

Pound plunges below ‘cheap sweet’ threshold

by philapilus
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The once mighty quid is now worth less than a third of a ‘foam shrimp’

Sterling has plummeted to new depths this week, and £1 will no longer be sufficient currency to exchange for a single cheap sweet from the pick’n’mix counter.

Sterling flatlined on Monday morning after Theresa May failed to quieten Brexit nerves in a Sky interview on Sunday.

May was visibly drunk, and at times verbally abusive to interviewer Sophy Ridge, but insisted through teary-eyed despair that

January 5, 2017

Farage’s radio show ‘to celebrate multicultural music’

by philapilus
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Just after dropping the mike on some seriously dope sh*t

A spokesperson for Nigel Farage revealed today that the ex-Ukip leader’s forthcoming radio show will be “An eclectic mix of banging tunes, dope beats and serious soul.”

This has come as something of a surprise as the Monday-Thursday slot is on LBC radio, a station more normally associated with discussions and phone-ins.

But the spokesperson said today “Nigel was absolutely

December 31, 2016

New Year’s Honours prominently feature Trumpton characters

by philapilus
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Brian Cant said the honours were “well overdue”

The New Year Honours bestowed by Her Majesty the Queen have once again bucked expectation, after it was revealed today that the vast majority had gone to residents of Trumpton, and the nearby villages of Camberwick Green and Chigley.

Despite widespread belief that the Queen would be honouring British sporting giants who had so much success in 2016, Buckingham Palace announced that “Her Majesty felt it was really a year in which the achievements of Trumptonshire pissed all over the rest of the UK.

“Whether it was Mr Craddock the Park Keeper’s ‘Clean for the Queen’ initiative or

December 31, 2016

2016 to be extended

by philapilus
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F*ck off, 2016

In a cruel turn of events officials have announced that the much-loathed 2016 is going to have extra time tacked on at the end.

An extra second will be added at midnight before the official change to 2017, meaning clocks will read 23:59:60. This has already led to general panic, because 2016 has been such an unmitigated shitstorm that it is widely felt even one extra second could cause maximum carnage.

Professor Hamish McEyebray of the Slough School of Seconds said “We’re

December 16, 2016

£50bn Brexit fee to be recouped from post-EU money trees, say Brexiteers

by philapilus
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The future’s bright, the future’s Brexit

Brexiteers have scoffed at the £50bn bill the UK could receive for leaving the EU, pointing out that the first cash harvest from all the  new money trees will easily outweigh this figure.

Michel Barnier, the EU negotiator, has warned the bill will arrive as soon as Article 50 is triggered, but anti-EU campaigners have insisted it’s ‘no big deal’.

Brexiter Wendy Nailinthehead said “£50 bn? Peanuts. We could afford

December 16, 2016

Corbyn relaunch to feature new hat

by philapilus

 

 

 

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“Jeremy was worried the black one carried connotations of ostentation”

Jeremy Corbyn’s team has confirmed that the forthcoming relaunch of the labour leader will prominently feature “a new and extremely sincere hat”.

Tim Twanks, political advisor to Corbyn and original script-writer for 1970s comedy Citizen Smith, said “The hat is something we found in a charity shop. It cost £1, or £994 less than Theresa May’s leather trousers, proving that Mr Corbyn is 994 times more trustworthy and down to earth than the prime minister.”

The hat is beige, woollen, and