Archive for ‘Showbusiness’

July 17, 2017

Martin Landau surprisingly reanimated

by unpseudable

After being saddened by his death, the world of Hollywood was this week stunned by renowned actor Martin Landau apparently coming back to life.

Landau

Landau earlier today

“It obviously wasn’t the uncommon reanimation that shocked me,” said recently deceased film critic Barry Norman. “I mean, I’ve seen that in literally thousands of films. No, it was more the irony that it was Landau who rose from the grave rather than legendary zombie movie director George Romero.”

Romero, who also sadly passed away this week, stubbornly refused to come back to life. “I just don’t see the point,” he is reported to have said,

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April 6, 2017

Theresa May: no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no ‘no-go areas’

by philapilus
File:2 Unlimited - 2016332013353 2016-11-26 Sunshine Live - Die 90er Live on Stage - Sven - 1D X II - 1770 - AK8I7434 mod.jpg

Philip Hammond will be joining Mrs May for the live performances. It won’t look like this.

Theresa May says she is fulfilling her long-standing ambition to break into the dance charts, after this morning’s surprise release of a version of 2 Unlimited’s ‘No Limits’.

Mrs May’s spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “It was a brilliant bit of showpersonship actually. The PM was speaking to party activists in Nottinghamshire and she told them there are no ‘no go’ areas for the tories in coming local elections.

“She fixed them with a stare and repeated ‘no no-go’. Then she said ‘No no. No no no no. No no no no…’ and as she spoke the music faded up, and she suddenly ripped off

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March 21, 2017

Allen highlights oppression of rich white actors

by unpseudable
Tim Allen

Oppressed

Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.

Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.

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March 2, 2017

Search continues for bodies of Oscar error accountants

by philapilus

End, Guy, Cinema Strip, Movie, FilmThe search for Brian Cullinan and Martha Ruiz has been stepped up according to the LAPD, with officers now searching landfill and deserted sites in the canyons around Los Angeles.

The Price Waterhouse Cooper accountants who are considered responsible for muddling up the Best Picture envelope at the 2017 Oscars have been missing since Sunday night.

Leading investigator Detective

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June 15, 2016

Complete Arts on film

by unpseudable

In this new feature, TMB’s Complete Arts sheds light on some of cinema’s most vexing vagaries

 

If only all films could be as clearly marketed as Scary Movie – indeed, a truly chilling film.

Surely Rain Man was going to be a superhero movie, for example; Ring a romantic comedy. Apparently not.

When a film fails to deliver on the promise of its title, the viewer is left floundering in confusion and unfulfilled anticipation.

And so, as a sober warning to our reader, TMB offers a top five of the most disappointingly perplexing films…

 

  1. American History X

A powerhouse performance by Edward Norton

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May 8, 2016

Harry Styles holds aloft scalp of vanquished foe

by philapilus
Harry_Styles_November_2014

yes, but who did he kill?

One Direction band member Harry Styles has posted a photo showing him holding a bundle of hair, attached to which is a blood-dripping human scalp.

The singer’s post has been greeted with a wave of frenzied speculation as, enigmatically, Styles did not indicate from whom the gory keepsake had been taken.

Uberfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “At first we thought Harry might have shorn his own lovely locks and got a bit

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March 19, 2016

Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.

donald_trump_gop

“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

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February 23, 2016

30-somethings shocked after Friends’ cast reunion is crap

by philapilus
File:Friends logo.svg

Yeah, but who gives a fuck anymore?

The TV reunion of most of the cast of Friends (apart from the one who couldn’t be bothered to turn up) was not the best thing ever, admitted disappointed fans today.

Lacking a script, youthful demeanor, a story, and the one actor who was quite funny, the stars sat down and did bugger-all for 2 hours – to everyone’s surprise.

Wendy Nailinthehead, IT drone, said “Me and my girls thought it would be amazing, and that we would all be magically transported back to our early carefree twenties, when we were cool.

“Instead we spent an evening listening to boring anecdotes from

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February 3, 2016

Death to have February off

by philapilus

 

Deserved: he has been a very busy boy after all

The Grim reaper has announced that he is going to have a quiet month, having worked extra hard culling some big names in January.

Death said “Having taken down actors Frank Finlay and Alan Rickman, musician David Bowie, and lovable highwayman Terry Wogan – amongst others – I really feel like I’ve earned some time off.

“I am going to spend February on a beautiful island paradise in the Caribbean, letting shoals of little fish nibble at my toebones whilst tanning my skull. It will

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December 3, 2015

Bruce Forsyth in repair shop, will miss Christmas Strictly

by philapilus
File:Sir Bruce Forsyth opening The Sir Bruce Forsyth Auditorium at Millfield Theatre on October 6th 2009 2014-08-10 12-29.jpg

At home with friends

The animatronics inside the preserved corpse of TV presenter Sir Bruce Forsyth have malfunctioned and are undergoing extensive repairs, meaning ‘Brucie’ will not be presenting the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special.

A BBC spokesperson said that “Having Sir Bruce on the show before the repairs are properly finished would be very unwise. A piston might punch right through his brittle, leathery skin and knock Claudia Winkleman’s teeth out.

“He will have to be dipped in formaldehyde and his circuit board will need to be wired from scratch. We’re sorry to say that Sir Bruce will therefore not

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