Archive for ‘Satire’

January 18, 2017

Moths name turd-like pupa after Trump

by philapilus
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Despite what you might think looking at him the horrible creature didn’t come out of someone’s ass – and nor did the pupa

Lepidopterists discovered today that moths have honoured Donald Trump by naming a newly-discovered pupa after him.

Attacus Atlas moth Atticus Flinch* said to assembled taxonomists “I found the pupa this morning underneath a leaf, and decided I just had to name it for the president elect.

“Like Donald, the pupa we are calling Twattacus donaldtrumpi has a strange yellow hairy mop at the top, which looks fake as shit and stuck on, but is apparently part of the sack. Also like Donald, the pupa looks

January 12, 2017

2016 in headlines

by philapilus
carrie_fisher_2013

RIP to the only royalty who was ever worth a damn

Once again we look back over the last year through the major news headlines from around the globe. It’s our way of reminding you of the main events, movers and shakers of 2016, and definitely isn’t just  an easy way of tossing off a quick article whilst we’re on the toilet.

Brexit voters “will be first ones saved in the Rapture”

Russian athletes all secretly

January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
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There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

January 10, 2017

Pound plunges below ‘cheap sweet’ threshold

by philapilus
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The once mighty quid is now worth less than a third of a ‘foam shrimp’

Sterling has plummeted to new depths this week, and £1 will no longer be sufficient currency to exchange for a single cheap sweet from the pick’n’mix counter.

Sterling flatlined on Monday morning after Theresa May failed to quieten Brexit nerves in a Sky interview on Sunday.

May was visibly drunk, and at times verbally abusive to interviewer Sophy Ridge, but insisted through teary-eyed despair that

January 5, 2017

Farage’s radio show ‘to celebrate multicultural music’

by philapilus
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Just after dropping the mike on some seriously dope sh*t

A spokesperson for Nigel Farage revealed today that the ex-Ukip leader’s forthcoming radio show will be “An eclectic mix of banging tunes, dope beats and serious soul.”

This has come as something of a surprise as the Monday-Thursday slot is on LBC radio, a station more normally associated with discussions and phone-ins.

But the spokesperson said today “Nigel was absolutely

December 31, 2016

New Year’s Honours prominently feature Trumpton characters

by philapilus
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Brian Cant said the honours were “well overdue”

The New Year Honours bestowed by Her Majesty the Queen have once again bucked expectation, after it was revealed today that the vast majority had gone to residents of Trumpton, and the nearby villages of Camberwick Green and Chigley.

Despite widespread belief that the Queen would be honouring British sporting giants who had so much success in 2016, Buckingham Palace announced that “Her Majesty felt it was really a year in which the achievements of Trumptonshire pissed all over the rest of the UK.

“Whether it was Mr Craddock the Park Keeper’s ‘Clean for the Queen’ initiative or

December 16, 2016

Corbyn relaunch to feature new hat

by philapilus

 

 

 

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“Jeremy was worried the black one carried connotations of ostentation”

Jeremy Corbyn’s team has confirmed that the forthcoming relaunch of the labour leader will prominently feature “a new and extremely sincere hat”.

Tim Twanks, political advisor to Corbyn and original script-writer for 1970s comedy Citizen Smith, said “The hat is something we found in a charity shop. It cost £1, or £994 less than Theresa May’s leather trousers, proving that Mr Corbyn is 994 times more trustworthy and down to earth than the prime minister.”

The hat is beige, woollen, and

November 25, 2016

Blair dons suit of shining armour to help ‘politically homeless’

by philapilus
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                 “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Ex prime minister Tony Blair has ordered himself a brand new suit of shining armour, which he will wear whilst saving Britain from itself over the next few months.

Blair said today “I am here for you my children, here as your saviour once more. Here to lead you from the benighted valleys of Brexit and tory government back into the heavenly joys of New New Labour.

“I won’t be going back into the frontline of politics because frankly the pay is peanuts, but I will be saving the politically homeless (not to be confused with the real homeless, who are scuzzy and smelly and poor) from

November 23, 2016

Budget reveals surprising lack of cash

by philapilus

 

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We never really thought we’d actually miss him, but…

Philip Hammond’s first budget statement raised consternation today, after he was forced to admit that there didn’t seem to be a lot of money about.

The new chancellor addressed the House, saying “Mr Speaker, um, I’m not sure whether this will go down very well, but here goes anyway.

“Look, I really hope no one’s going to give me a ribbing over this, but it seems

November 15, 2016

Country that elected bigoted baboon shocked by racist FB post

by philapilus

“She got them there white teeth they all got, parbly stoled them someplace, an she only got ten fingers, what kinda woman is that anyhow?!”

A country which this week decided its next president should be an ageing, insane moron has expressed widespread shock after a racist Facebook post went viral.

The plucky but little-known ‘USA’ had just held an election intended to find a leader imbued with the nation’s most quintessential qualities, resulting in victory for bigoted reality TV star and failed businessman, Donald Trump.

But despite being delighted to elect an overt racist as Leader of the Free World, many Americans were shocked when Marylou Nailinthehead, from Hicksville West Virginia, wrote a racist message about