Archive for ‘Satire’

August 16, 2017

Trump’s u-turn on earlier u-turn leaves him with head lodged in rectum

by philapilus
File:Donald Trump Signs The Pledge 11 crop.jpg

A grateful world revels in temporarily not having to look at this face

Donald Trump’s political gyrations have caused his own massive unsightly head to become lodged in his rectal passage, the White House has confirmed.

The rambling old man came under fire for failing to condemn Nazis and white supremacists during the riots in Charlottesville at the weekend, insisting that many sides were

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June 20, 2017

Theresa May almost successfully bakes potato

by philapilus

Nailed it, sort of

In news guaranteed to encourage Theresa May’s supporters Number 10 announced this morning that the prime minister baked “a nearly palatable potato for dinner last night.”

Percy Spoke, May’s spokesperson, said “OK so things haven’t been amazing recently. There was the whole election thing, the miscalculation on handling the Grenfell Tower fire, and

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June 6, 2017

Trump threat to Khan: ‘I could destroy London’

by philapilus

The tiny-handed little scrotumface dictating his tweet to someone with large enough digits to work a phone

The Twitter spat between London Mayor Sadiq Khan and orange blob Donald Trump escalated dramatically this morning, after the latter tweeted ‘Khan should watch out; I could destroy London. Nuke it. No problem. And will if he doesn’t start respecting me. #watchoutlondon.’

In the aftermath of terrorist attacks on London at the weekend Mr Khan had reassured Londoners that subsequent increased police presence was nothing to worry about.

Trump however mistook this to mean that the

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June 1, 2017

Election: May misses leader debate to heal the sick and minister to the needy

by philapilus
File:Theresa May MP.JPG

“Scared? Don’t make me laugh!” said May from several hundred miles away

Theresa May announced this morning that her decision not to attend last night’s televised debate between party leaders was “absolutely not down to abject terror” and was purely because she was “busy ministering to the sick and needy”.

May said that she didn’t have time to waste on unimportant matters like being accountable to the country on live TV, or answering questions that people really want the answers to before they vote on who will run the country.

“That would have been

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May 4, 2017

Macron and Le Pen have ‘night of passion’

by philapilus
File:Macron & Le Pen.jpg

Animals

It has been revealed that French presidential candidates Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron retired to a hotel after their stormy TV debate last night, where they gave in to their obvious attraction and had relentless intercourse.

News that the pair had left the debate together and checked into a nearby hotel was corroborated by

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May 2, 2017

Farron: “I’ll offer real alternative or more of the same – whichever you prefer”

by philapilus
File:Tim Farron 02, July 2016.jpg

“Really? That’s what I think too!”

Tim Farron has continued to lay out a strong Liberal Democrat election platform today, offering to be as different or as similar to other parties as people want.

“Only we have a real message of a different Britain – or alternatively, the same Britain if you’d rather” pledged Farron.

“I’m offering real

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April 19, 2017

Vote tory or I’ll end you, by Theresa May

by philapilus
File:Theresa May.jpg

Unlike Labour, I’m going to MEAN to do it when I ruin everything for everyone

As you will all have heard by now, I have called a snap election for next month.

I know you all thought I’d been saying for weeks there was no way I would do it, despite my slim majority, because it would cause national uncertainty. But you’re misremembering. Stop it.

The plain fact is that

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April 19, 2017

I guess you could vote Labour? by Jeremy Corbyn

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn crop.jpg

About twenty per cent less up for this than he looks

Hi everyone, Jeremy here, with some advice for the very exciting upcoming general election – a snap election which is bound to cement my position as Labour leader!

My message is simple and sincere, and it’s this: you won’t necessarily be wasting your vote if you vote for Labour (although I should point out that

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April 6, 2017

Theresa May: no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no ‘no-go areas’

by philapilus
File:2 Unlimited - 2016332013353 2016-11-26 Sunshine Live - Die 90er Live on Stage - Sven - 1D X II - 1770 - AK8I7434 mod.jpg

Philip Hammond will be joining Mrs May for the live performances. It won’t look like this.

Theresa May says she is fulfilling her long-standing ambition to break into the dance charts, after this morning’s surprise release of a version of 2 Unlimited’s ‘No Limits’.

Mrs May’s spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “It was a brilliant bit of showpersonship actually. The PM was speaking to party activists in Nottinghamshire and she told them there are no ‘no go’ areas for the tories in coming local elections.

“She fixed them with a stare and repeated ‘no no-go’. Then she said ‘No no. No no no no. No no no no…’ and as she spoke the music faded up, and she suddenly ripped off

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March 29, 2017

Brexit letter lost in post

by philapilus

On signing the letter Mrs May said “It’s all downhill from here! No, that doesn’t sound right, I mean; it’s all uphill from here! Er…hang on…is it just me or is there no way to make this sound good?”

The government has confirmed that the letter Theresa May wrote to Donald Tusk – invoking article 50 and triggering Brexit – has been lost in the post.

A number 10 spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Mrs May wrote the historic letter, historically signed it, and in a true history-making moment, historically put it in the letterbox.

“She wanted to

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