Archive for ‘Royal Family’

July 13, 2016

Cameron visits palace for official resignation

by philapilus

“Doo doodoo …that’s what you’re all in now!”

David Cameron will go to Buckingham Palace this afternoon to accept the Queen’s official resignation, before travelling back to Westminster where he will crown Theresa May.

May, who has become Prime Minister despite not having been voted in by her party, let alone won a majority in a general election, announced she will also take the title of Queen at David Cameron’s last cabinet meeting.

A source close to the new PM said “Theresa stood up, pushed Dave out of his chair, and said ‘Right

May 18, 2016

Queen sings Monkees hits during speech

by philapilus

‘Then I saw her face…’

The Queen surprised both houses of Parliament today when, instead of giving a dreary speech announcing a plethora of boring administrative government acts, she spontaneously burst into song.

After arriving and meeting the assembly with all the usual pomp and ceremony, Her Majesty stood up, ripped in half the speech that David Cameron had sat up all night writing for her, and performed a 90 minute concert of songs by hit 60s TV band, the Monkees.

The Lords and the Commons were initially stunned, but soon

May 11, 2016

Prince Phillip apologises for Queen’s racial outburst

by philapilus

To be honest it’s pretty much all the Asians she’s got it in for

The Duke of Edinburgh has apologised on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen today, after footage of her making inappropriate remarks about the Chinese went public.

Elizabeth II was filmed saying to a senior police officer at a garden party “Fackin’ chinkies, always causin’ argy bargy ain’t they? Had some of them rude slitty-eyed midgets up the palace; right bunch of arse’oles they were an’ all.

“Ere, gie us another Pimms wouldja?  Ta…”

Prince Philip said this

April 13, 2016

Prince William reminded India is no longer a British possession

by philapilus

“No stay over there please, I can see you perfectly well from my carriage”

It has been explained to Prince William that the days of empire are over this morning, after he attempted to tell the Indian prime minister to “sort out this steel nonsense”.

On meeting prime minister Modi this morning, the prince handed him his coat and asked him to “go and fetch the viceroy chop chop, so we can stop you blighters ruining Port Talbot for everyone.”

After a hurried intervention by an aide, the perplexed William retrieved his coat, and addressed Mr Modi more directly, explaining that it was the

September 10, 2015

“I feel so empty” says Queen

by philapilus
Less than ecstatic

Less than ecstatic

Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II has described her trouncing of Queen Victoria’s longevity-record as “a huge anticlimax”.

The Queen said “I waited decades to reach this milestone; survived all the attempts on my life by my son, and even the foiled coup d’etat launched by the Krankies.

“But it’s a

July 20, 2015

Queen “not a Nazi”, unlike most of her family

by philapilus

The Duke of Windsor making new friends

Buckingham Palace has responded angrily to the release of footage of the young Princess Elizabeth giving a Nazi salute in 1933, saying that the Queen is no fascist, even if the rest of the family are.Sir Percy Spoke, Keeper of the Queen’s Loo-roll said “Her Majesty deplores Hitler, National Socialism, the Holocaust, and all of the horrors of Nazi rule. Making a silly gesture as a seven-year-old does not equate to any sort of ideological support.

“It’s not like she’s Edward VIII, Prince Philip, Prince Harry, Prin- actually hang on, can we just back up a second? You didn’t record that last bit did you? Oh shit.”

Despite

June 24, 2015

Queen ‘to move into a Travelodge’

by philapilus

It’s thought she might change her mind when she actually sees one

The Royal Household has today said it is looking into the option of putting the Queen up at a Travelodge whilst extensive repairs to Buckingham Palace take place.

According to contractors the maintenance work, expected to cost £150m, will require the palace to be vacated because “Prince Philip can’t be trusted not to open fire on Polish builders.”

The Queen’s suggestion that she be put up at the Ritz however was vetoed, after the

May 20, 2015

Prince Charles and Gerry Adams in suspected ‘bodyswap’

by philapilus

“Well now, dis is a bit o’ a gamechanger, so it is”

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about

March 2, 2015

Prince William in China to meet new masters

by philapilus

Proudly fluttering above Windsor Castle as of right now, says the Express

The Duke of Cambridge arrived in China yesterday for a state visit in which he will be promoting British values, championing wildlife causes, and generally getting to know Britain’s future rulers.

Prince William is the first British Royal to visit the country for almost three decades, and will be the first to place a ceremonial kiss on the buttocks of President Xi Jinping.

The Prince said “Gosh I’m just sooo super-chuffed to be here, yah, it’s just rally super to

September 24, 2014

Cameron and Queen in alleged ‘dirty phonecall’ scandal

by philapilus

“Phwooar! Don’t stop, ma’am, don’t stop…”

David Cameron’s office has rejected calls for him to apologise to the Queen, after footage emerged of him allegedly describing a dirty phonecall with the monarch.

The Prime Minister was caught on film telling ex-New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, “Yeah, Liz was purring like a cat, breathing heavy – the works. Then she started describing how she was going to town on herself, real dirty, nasty shit. And that’s when I messed my pants.

“It was just

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 354 other followers