Archive for ‘Local Government’

March 21, 2013

Bradford’s Rubbish says Bradford MP

by unpseudable

Not Mr Galloway’s natural environment at all

Respect MP for Bradford West, George Galloway yesterday tabled an Early Day Motion ripping the entire city of Bradford a new one.

The carefully chosen wording of the EDM begins conventionally enough with a vociferous complaint about the excessive pay award of £178,476 to the Chief Executive of Bradford’s district council.  It then goes on to point out that Bradford “has some of the worst schools, the worst hospitals, and among the highest rates of unemployment in the country, not to mention possibly the most unattractive mingers in the whole of Yorkshire.”  Getting into his stride, he claims that there’s always a stench of urine coming from the public swimming baths, and even the drinking water “tastes a little pissy”.

Unable to let it go there, he then challenges the entire pensioner community to a fight “with or without zimmer frames, it’s all the same to me”,

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March 1, 2013

Eastleigh put under quarantine

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at a conference in the G...

Sectioned since this morning

The town of Eastleigh has been blockaded and surrounded by the armed forces this morning, after the Ministry of Defence realised that its inhabitants were displaying total collective insanity.

MoD officials said the only possible conclusion after yesterday’s ‘sanity litmus-test’ was that the entire population of adult residents had been affected on a massive level by some devastatingly potent biological or chemical brain-warping agent.

Major Dick Haines-Fanshaw-Fanshaw said

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January 31, 2013

“No more existential loneliness” under new spare bedroom tax

by philapilus
Drawing of the Nursery Rhyme "There was a...

Fortunately for this old woman, the government DOES know what to do.

The government is trumpeting its proposed ‘spare bedroom tax’, as a watershed moment in combating the sense of isolated despair and ennui that plagues the British people.

The so-called tax consists of a reduction in housing benefit for anybody unfortunate enough to have some space in their social accomodation.

Those afflicted with the misery that is having a room not presently occupied by one adult or two children, will face a reduction in benefit by upto as much as £80 per month.

A government spokesman said “The trouble is that so many people looking around the great empty expanse of their social homes

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November 2, 2012

Government spends a fortune stuffing massive reptile

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles MP, Conservative Party C...

Photographs of his entire body are only possible from space

Following the shock news that the Foreign Office spent £10,000 restuffing an anaconda, an FOI request has this morning revealed this was not the only time public money has been poured into stuffing frightening, gargantuan reptiles.

Albert the anaconda was presented to the Foreign Office in the 19th century, and having deteriorated significantly, was conserved at considerable cost by scientists at the Natural History Museum.

But a Freedom of Information request by TMB has uncovered an expenditure of hundreds of thousands of pounds since the Conservatives came to power, on making sure Eric Pickles is also adequately stuffed.

A civil service source, who asked to remain anoymous, said “The problem with the thin-lipped, cold-blooded beast, is that when he dislocates his jaw, he is capable of swallowing a small community – in one sitting.

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October 31, 2012

Tips for Running the Country, by Pippa Middleton

by philapilus
Hot cross buns. Note: these are square buns fr...

Not just the princess’s sister: Pippa is also well known for her incredible buns

Hello everyone! Following the fab success of my party planner’s guide, ‘Celebrate’, I was approached again by Penguin, and offered another half million pounds to write another book. Isn’t that brilliant?!

After some meetings (which were lovely!), which we held in Claridge’s tearooms, we decided to do a book specially for all those brainiacs who keep us all so safe and happy with their brilliant ruling.

And I don’t mean just my sister! I’m talking about all those dear men  who make all those laws and stuff. I am sure they know what they are doing, but we could all do with a few tips from time to time couldn’t we, and half a million smackeroos sounds good to me, so what the hey, I’ve written a book just for them! Lovely!

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September 15, 2012

Pickles move under way as Crossrail construction continues

by articulatedsheep

Contractors building London’s new Crossrail line – which will take trains from Paddington to Shenfield and Abbey Wood through twin-bore tunnels currently being hewn from the rock beneath the capital – are about to start the delicate process of digging beneath Eric Pickles.

Eric shares a joke with a hedge

“This was always going to be the most difficult part of the project,” said Crossrail’s Head of Digging, Sandi Toksvig. “But we’re confident that – like with the rest of the work – we can deliver it on time and on budget”.

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September 10, 2012

Conservatives bond over runway plans

by philapilus
File:Qantas b747 over houses arp.jpg

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it the Tories about to spin into a nosedive, crashing and burning in a heavily built-up area?

As Cameron’s new cabinet settles down to its first full week of business, an air of optimism and fraternity (not to mention, sorority) is said to be presiding over Whitehall.

Whilst some tensions remain between the Lib Dems and the Tories, and indeed within the parties themselves, the one thing everyone has managed to agree on, is what to do about Heathrow Airport’s proposed third runway.

Long thought to be a contentious issue, it has become apparent that the problem has been resolved once and for all.

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August 9, 2012

“From now on British children must all be Olympians, or they can fuck right off” says Cameron

by philapilus

  

English: Rt Hon David Cameron MP speaking at t...

“Starting today, the number of children in the UK school system will be strictly limited to the number of available medals at any given Olympics. And anyone who doesn’t make it to the podium is out.”

In a bold and unexpected move David Cameron has criticised schools and teachers for failing to do the complete opposite of what his policies indicate they should do.

In a radio interview, Cameron blasted Britain’s schools, and called for education “to be much more like London 2012, in some poorly-defined way that I can’t quite put my finger on. But like that, anyway.”

Sources close to the Prime Minister say that he is keen to make as much political capital as possible out of the success of the UK’s Olympic athletes, in the hope that the shiny goldish aura of victory might bathe the government in its reflected glow.

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June 12, 2012

Gay marriage “certain to bring about medieval disasters” warns Church of England

by philapilus
Portrait of King Henry VIII (1491-1547)

“The fear is that he might come back to life and start killing people if we let the gays get away with it”

The Church of England has today made a formal statement reacting to the coalition government’s proposal for same-sex marriage, in an extensive legal and philosophical document entitled “The End is Nigh”.

Archbishop the Right Reverend Will E Spitrost said “What this government has failed to appreciate, in its attempt to sideline canon law, and impose the amoralistic ideological dictates of civil legislation onto the church, is that this is definitely going to be worse than when Henry VIII went crazy and began butchering monks.

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June 9, 2012

Pickles launches new guidance to significantly enhance local high streets

by articulatedsheep

The world of local government was yesterday blown asunder by explosively innovative guidance issued by the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government about regenerating high streets.

The guidance, one of a number of such documents issued since Mr. Pickles pledged that he would no longer release any guidance, gives local areas a number of entirely unpatronising tips about how they can enhance local business.

Photo nicked from Rhondda Cynon Taff CBC

High streets should be like they were back in the good old days

Through the cunning use of phrases such as “symbol affiliates”, it tries to demonstrate that it has been written by people who really know a lot about this important issue, rather than by two Grade 7 civil servants in Eland House tasked with the job of knocking something together about ten days ago.

“This stuff is dynamite,” said Shithole District Council’s Head of Community Reimagineering, Dave Twat. “Setting up a local traders’ association… doing something with empty shopfronts… encouraging local shopping. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?”

“Oh, wait!” Mr. Twat continued. “I almost forgot – someone has thought of this before. And every single council in England already does it. Silly me.”

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