Archive for ‘Politics’

March 21, 2017

Allen highlights oppression of rich white actors

by unpseudable
Tim Allen

Oppressed

Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.

Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.

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March 12, 2017

White House ‘intruder’ returned to place in Oval Office

by philapilus
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President Bannon was in residence but agents say he was perfectly safe throughout

A mentally unstable man who climbed over the perimeter fence of the White House was stopped by agents and then taken back inside, the US Secret Service has said.

The septuagenarian, who agents said was babbling “Like the unholy offspring of a Nazi and an orangutang” was discovered with a backpack and a huge tub of wig-weave gel, wandering the grounds and screaming at his shoes.

Secret Service spokesperson Ann Onymous said “The tubby, strange

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February 24, 2017

Corbyn celebrates ‘historic win’ in Copeland

by philapilus

“It is the gulag for any who dispute our resounding success”

Jeremy Corbyn has exhorted subordinates to congratulate him for what he called the “historic victory in the Copeland by-election”, after the Tories took the seat from Labour for the first time in 80 years.

Corbyn said “This is a huge victory for us. Make no mistake, comrades; the Party has never been in better shape! Long live the Party and the Great Drive Forward!

“By allowing the reactionary Tories to

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February 21, 2017

Theresa May visits Lords with baseball bat

by philapilus
theresamay

Theresa ‘Negan’ May

Theresa May made the highly unusual move of sitting in the House of Lords yesterday to observe the debate over the Brexit bill.

According to one Lord, “The prime minister entered the room, cracked her knuckles and then ostentatiously unwrapped a long silk package containing a baseball bat.

“As the

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February 15, 2017

Nuttall defends ‘died at Hillsborough’ claim

by philapilus
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Nuttall also died during the Falklands war, and was sitting next to Diana in the car crash that claimed both their lives

Paul Nuttall, the man who is running Ukip while Nigel Farage is towelling off Donald Trump, has hit back at critics who say he did not in fact die during the Hillsborough stadium disaster.

Speaking at a carboot sale this morning, Mr Nuttall said “These so-called fact-checkers are trying to tell me that I didn’t die during what might have

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February 10, 2017

‘NHS unacceptable’ says man who ran it into the ground

by philapilus
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Jeremy is also fascinated by bottled water

Jeremy Hunt has said that the problems with the NHS are ‘unacceptable’, and has offered himself his warmest congratulations for making it so.

The Health Secretary said “I have spent five years helming the good ship NHS, finding iceberg after iceberg to ram, and finally I have managed to tear its hull to pieces. It is letting on water fast, and has finally been upgraded from ‘we’re in trouble’ to ‘oh shit we’re all going to die’.

“I couldn’t be happier.”

Hunt was

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January 31, 2017

People who voted for stupid thing ‘not to blame if it was protest vote’

by philapilus

“All I said was ‘hey let’s just keep going’, but you should have ignored me; it’s not my fault I’m a moron”

People who have voted for something really fucking awful are not to blame when it happens provided the vote was only a protest vote, according to themselves.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who voted for an enraged baboon to usurp the office of President of the United States said “It’s not my fault that we now have a shrieking primate in charge of the country, waggling his turkey-neck and waving his tiny hands.

“I only voted for him in protest against the

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January 18, 2017

Moths name turd-like pupa after Trump

by philapilus
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Despite what you might think looking at him the horrible creature didn’t come out of someone’s ass – and nor did the pupa

Lepidopterists discovered today that moths have honoured Donald Trump by naming a newly-discovered pupa after him.

Attacus Atlas moth Atticus Flinch* said to assembled taxonomists “I found the pupa this morning underneath a leaf, and decided I just had to name it for the president elect.

“Like Donald, the pupa we are calling Twattacus donaldtrumpi has a strange yellow hairy mop at the top, which looks fake as shit and stuck on, but is apparently part of the sack. Also like Donald, the pupa looks

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January 18, 2017

Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
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A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then

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January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
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There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

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