Archive for ‘Politics’

February 21, 2017

Theresa May visits Lords with baseball bat

by philapilus
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Theresa ‘Negan’ May

Theresa May made the highly unusual move of sitting in the House of Lords yesterday to observe the debate over the Brexit bill.

According to one Lord, “The prime minister entered the room, cracked her knuckles and then ostentatiously unwrapped a long silk package containing a baseball bat.

“As the

February 15, 2017

Nuttall defends ‘died at Hillsborough’ claim

by philapilus
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Nuttall also died during the Falklands war, and was sitting next to Diana in the car crash that claimed both their lives

Paul Nuttall, the man who is running Ukip while Nigel Farage is towelling off Donald Trump, has hit back at critics who say he did not in fact die during the Hillsborough stadium disaster.

Speaking at a carboot sale this morning, Mr Nuttall said “These so-called fact-checkers are trying to tell me that I didn’t die during what might have

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February 10, 2017

‘NHS unacceptable’ says man who ran it into the ground

by philapilus
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Jeremy is also fascinated by bottled water

Jeremy Hunt has said that the problems with the NHS are ‘unacceptable’, and has offered himself his warmest congratulations for making it so.

The Health Secretary said “I have spent five years helming the good ship NHS, finding iceberg after iceberg to ram, and finally I have managed to tear its hull to pieces. It is letting on water fast, and has finally been upgraded from ‘we’re in trouble’ to ‘oh shit we’re all going to die’.

“I couldn’t be happier.”

Hunt was

January 31, 2017

People who voted for stupid thing ‘not to blame if it was protest vote’

by philapilus

“All I said was ‘hey let’s just keep going’, but you should have ignored me; it’s not my fault I’m a moron”

People who have voted for something really fucking awful are not to blame when it happens provided the vote was only a protest vote, according to themselves.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who voted for an enraged baboon to usurp the office of President of the United States said “It’s not my fault that we now have a shrieking primate in charge of the country, waggling his turkey-neck and waving his tiny hands.

“I only voted for him in protest against the

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January 18, 2017

Moths name turd-like pupa after Trump

by philapilus
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Despite what you might think looking at him the horrible creature didn’t come out of someone’s ass – and nor did the pupa

Lepidopterists discovered today that moths have honoured Donald Trump by naming a newly-discovered pupa after him.

Attacus Atlas moth Atticus Flinch* said to assembled taxonomists “I found the pupa this morning underneath a leaf, and decided I just had to name it for the president elect.

“Like Donald, the pupa we are calling Twattacus donaldtrumpi has a strange yellow hairy mop at the top, which looks fake as shit and stuck on, but is apparently part of the sack. Also like Donald, the pupa looks

January 18, 2017

Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
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A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then

January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
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There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

January 10, 2017

Pound plunges below ‘cheap sweet’ threshold

by philapilus
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The once mighty quid is now worth less than a third of a ‘foam shrimp’

Sterling has plummeted to new depths this week, and £1 will no longer be sufficient currency to exchange for a single cheap sweet from the pick’n’mix counter.

Sterling flatlined on Monday morning after Theresa May failed to quieten Brexit nerves in a Sky interview on Sunday.

May was visibly drunk, and at times verbally abusive to interviewer Sophy Ridge, but insisted through teary-eyed despair that

January 5, 2017

Farage’s radio show ‘to celebrate multicultural music’

by philapilus
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Just after dropping the mike on some seriously dope sh*t

A spokesperson for Nigel Farage revealed today that the ex-Ukip leader’s forthcoming radio show will be “An eclectic mix of banging tunes, dope beats and serious soul.”

This has come as something of a surprise as the Monday-Thursday slot is on LBC radio, a station more normally associated with discussions and phone-ins.

But the spokesperson said today “Nigel was absolutely

December 16, 2016

£50bn Brexit fee to be recouped from post-EU money trees, say Brexiteers

by philapilus
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The future’s bright, the future’s Brexit

Brexiteers have scoffed at the £50bn bill the UK could receive for leaving the EU, pointing out that the first cash harvest from all the  new money trees will easily outweigh this figure.

Michel Barnier, the EU negotiator, has warned the bill will arrive as soon as Article 50 is triggered, but anti-EU campaigners have insisted it’s ‘no big deal’.

Brexiter Wendy Nailinthehead said “£50 bn? Peanuts. We could afford