Archive for ‘Politics’

April 25, 2018

Macron pretends not to notice tyreswings and smell of faeces in White House

by philapilus

 

“No need to be afraid, that’s just the sun! See? The sun. SUN. Can you say sun? Nearly! Good try!”

President Macron has made a valiant effort to avoid embarrassing the American people by pretending not to have noticed that the current White House squatter is a shrieking baboon.

 

At a news conference today the French president stoically acted the part of a man doing politics with another world leader – rather than that of horrified witness to the rank den which the violently aggressive primate has made inside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Macron said “We have been having

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March 22, 2018

Putin wins 2024 presidential election

by philapilus

“Do something about it then…”

Russian premier Vladimir Putin was celebrating today after achieving victory in the next (and as yet unstarted) presidential election cycle.

Putin’s win has been described as “decisive” and “conclusive”, with a record-breaking 103% of the vote, according to the

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February 6, 2018

Donald Trump stoically shoulders blame for stock market turbulence

by philapilus
Image result for donald trump

Trump arriving on his space hopper

In a typical display of great statesmanship, Donald Trump has told America that he will personally accept all responsibility for the huge losses the US stock market has seen over the last two days.

Trump said “Remember when stocks were riding high and the economy was doing really

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January 22, 2018

Farage considering donning the Nigelsuit one last time

by philapilus

“Quick! Hold him down and inject the sedatives straight into his neck!”

Nigel Farage has reopened the Faragecave, and is dusting off the Nigelsuit, according to sources close to the UKIP MEP.

UKIP went into a nosedive this morning, after leader Henry Bolton’s refusal to resign over texts his horrible racist ex sent, leading party stalwart Neil Hamilton to fire up the Nigelsymbol from atop a Wetherspoons pub.

Although the

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January 18, 2018

£44m for Calais ‘fair and reasonable’ says Daily Mail

by philapilus

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden” was the headline the Mail ran with

The Daily Mail has expressed its support for the UK’s decision to accept more migrants from Calais and give the city £44m to beef up border controls.

In a comment-piece this morning, usually cantankerous thought-spewer Richard Littlejohn said “This seems eminently fair. Why shouldn’t we help those wanting to benefit from being a part of our country, when they

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January 17, 2018

Hunt ‘delighted’ nurses leaving NHS as social care numbers will increase

by philapilus

‘Hunt’ has now replaced the c-word as a term of abuse, and ‘you total Hunt’ is second only in its offensiveness to calling someone a ‘massive Gove’

Jeremy Hunt has said that he is “absolutely thrilled” that nurses are leaving the NHS in record numbers, as it means “that more and more unemployed, depressed ex-nurses will have to rely on social care.”

Hunt’s new brief, after Theresa May’s cabinet reshuffle, was expanded to include Social Care, and it is understood from sources in government that “Mr Hunt had grown bored of destroying the NHS and

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January 17, 2018

Trump’s cognitive ability ‘normal’, says man whose job depends on pleasing him

by philapilus

Got the same score as Trump

A military doctor working for Trump’s White House and within the military of which Donald Trump is Commander-in-Chief has made the completely independent decision to announce that Trump is cognitively normal.

Rear admiral and Physician to the President Dr Ronny Jackson told reporters “It just so happens that the man upon whom my job depends is not, as so many of you suspect, a raging maniac with the self-awareness of a peanut and the reasoning capacity of a cow being electrocuted.

“Rather he

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December 13, 2017

Alabama slightly prefers Democrat to paedophile

by philapilus
File:Doug Jones Trees.jpg

Neither a paedophile nor a bigot, Jones won for reasons the Republicans cannot fathom

The State of Alabama has grudgingly accepted that it would on the whole probably be better if they were represented in the United States Senate by a Democrat rather than an alleged multiple sex offender and paedophile.

Democrat candidate Doug Jones beat notoriously bigoted ex-judge Roy Moore in a close race, which nevertheless proved that even the

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November 13, 2017

Gove ‘backs Boris’ as easier to get knife in from behind

by philapilus
180px-official_portrait_of_michael_gove_crop_2

“I’ve just run over some children!”

Michael Gove has said that he is “getting behind the foreign secretary 100%” as “it will give me a much clearer target when I drive my wraith-knife between his shoulderblades”.

Gove, who won the coveted Oleaginous Little Shit of the Year award in 2016, made the comments on Andrew Marr’s self-important show.

Marr, seated upon a sofa shaped like a cloud, and

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October 18, 2017

Grayling: The future is Brussels…sprouts

by philapilus

Turnip

Chris Grayling has expanded on comments he made at the weekend when he explained that if foreign food prices increase dramatically post-Brexit “everyone can just eat more British produce”.

Pictured holding a turnip, Grayling said today “If we walk away from Europe with a ‘No Deal’ situation it honestly won’t be a problem.

“If imported

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