Archive for ‘Politics’

August 25, 2016

Jeremy Corbyn bulldozes own home to make point

by philapilus

“I’m thinking of cutting my nose off to teach my face a lesson. What do you think?”

Jeremy Corbyn has drawn attention to homelessness this morning, by driving a bulldozer straight through his own house.

The move followed his publicity coup in raising awareness of seat-shortage on trains, after he was filmed earlier in the week sitting on the floor of a partially empty train near some free seats.

Standing amidst the ruin and rubble of

August 25, 2016

Farage and Trump to go on date

by philapilus

“Look I know you’re not happy about it, but he just…*gets* me, Melania, and that’s all there is to it.”

Nigel Farage and Donald Trump have agreed to go for a pint and maybe a dinner at Pizza Express, after hitting it off earlier in the week.

Farage spoke at a Trump rally, likening the glorious American future under Trump to the glorious British future post-Brexit, highlighting the glorious lack of ethnic minorities and money.

A Trump aide said “As Donald watched Nigel a light came into his eyes, and he began to gently

August 1, 2016

‘Trump sacrifices’ mostly offerings to Cthulhu

by philapilus

Donald getting out of the bath

Donald Trump has spoken out against the parents of a dead Muslim soldier, after they accused him of never having made sacrifices for his country.

Ghazala and Khizr Khan, parents of US Army captain Humayun Khan, said Trump did not understand Islam or sacrifice, leading the Republican candidate to retort with a waggle of his jowls and a shriek of bestial rage.

Interviewed later whilst

July 26, 2016

Judge falls asleep during Corbyn ballot hearing

by philapilus

The hat has really helped Jeremy’s appeal spread beyond the traditional Labour core 

The judge hearing the legal challenge against Jeremy Corbyn’s inclusion on the Labour leadership ballot paper has fallen asleep, it was revealed this afternoon.

Judge Fanshawe-Haines was hearing the case brought by Labour donor Michael Foster – who contends Corbyn should have to meet a prerequisite number of nominations, as does challenger Owen Smith – when he nodded off.

Bailiff Bill Laff said “We’d got past the excruciatingly dull opening statements, and were just starting to get into the arcana of Labour Party rules and the

July 19, 2016

Trump’s wife made ‘covert attempt to derail husband’s campaign’

by philapilus

May contain plastic

Melania Trump has admitted that she did not plagiarise Michelle Obama, but was rather “in agreement with her about Barack.”

Mrs Trump said “When I repeated her comments about President Obama, I was actually trying to subliminally remind everyone that Michelle has a sane, competent, and actually even occasionally  inspirational spouse.

“I have Donald.”

She went on to

July 13, 2016

Cameron visits palace for official resignation

by philapilus

“Doo doodoo …that’s what you’re all in now!”

David Cameron will go to Buckingham Palace this afternoon to accept the Queen’s official resignation, before travelling back to Westminster where he will crown Theresa May.

May, who has become Prime Minister despite not having been voted in by her party, let alone won a majority in a general election, announced she will also take the title of Queen at David Cameron’s last cabinet meeting.

A source close to the new PM said “Theresa stood up, pushed Dave out of his chair, and said ‘Right

July 11, 2016

Theresa May to quit leadership race

by philapilus

Arcane 1922 Committee rules mean that after May’s withdrawal the Tory leadership will pass automatically to the corpse of Benjamin Disraeli.

Theresa May is expected to withdraw her bid to become leader of the Tory party this afternoon during a Whitehall press conference.

After Andrea Leadsom quit the race this morning (leaving May as the sole candidate) there were murmurings from the Home Secretary’s camp that Theresa recognised she had been out-manoeuvred.

The probability that she will concede defeat this afternoon was all but certain by lunchtime, as

July 7, 2016

Chilcott to head inquiry into moon

by philapilus

When you need something explained, even though it’s obvious, who you gonna call? JOHN CHIL-COTT! Dada-da duhdada…

In the wake of his report on the Iraq war Sir John Chilcott has been asked to chair another inquiry – into whether or not there is a moon.

According to the guidelines laid down for the inquiry, Chilcott has been asked to spend the next year producing a 300 page report.

He will, however, be

July 1, 2016

“Now it’s just getting sad” say Tories

by philapilus
File:Loser sign croped.jpg

L is for Labour

The Conservative party said today that Labour was now so impotent that beating them wasn’t even fun anymore.

George Osborne said “We’ve done everything we can to lure them back into the fray. Cameron resigned, Gove stabbed Boris in the back, the Theresa May killbot has been unleashed, and today, just for

June 30, 2016

Breaking News: Boris’s mum sends note excusing him from PM duties

by philapilus
johnson sicknote

Not suspicious at all

Boris Johnson’s mum has confirmed that sadly he will not be standing to be the next prime minister, and has sent a note asking that he be excused from all EU referendum fallout.

Johnson – who went very, very quiet after last week’s vote – has said that this is definitely nothing to

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 354 other followers