Archive for ‘Politics’

January 18, 2017

Moths name turd-like pupa after Trump

by philapilus
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Despite what you might think looking at him the horrible creature didn’t come out of someone’s ass – and nor did the pupa

Lepidopterists discovered today that moths have honoured Donald Trump by naming a newly-discovered pupa after him.

Attacus Atlas moth Atticus Flinch* said to assembled taxonomists “I found the pupa this morning underneath a leaf, and decided I just had to name it for the president elect.

“Like Donald, the pupa we are calling Twattacus donaldtrumpi has a strange yellow hairy mop at the top, which looks fake as shit and stuck on, but is apparently part of the sack. Also like Donald, the pupa looks

January 18, 2017

Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
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A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then

January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
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There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

January 10, 2017

Pound plunges below ‘cheap sweet’ threshold

by philapilus
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The once mighty quid is now worth less than a third of a ‘foam shrimp’

Sterling has plummeted to new depths this week, and £1 will no longer be sufficient currency to exchange for a single cheap sweet from the pick’n’mix counter.

Sterling flatlined on Monday morning after Theresa May failed to quieten Brexit nerves in a Sky interview on Sunday.

May was visibly drunk, and at times verbally abusive to interviewer Sophy Ridge, but insisted through teary-eyed despair that

January 5, 2017

Farage’s radio show ‘to celebrate multicultural music’

by philapilus
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Just after dropping the mike on some seriously dope sh*t

A spokesperson for Nigel Farage revealed today that the ex-Ukip leader’s forthcoming radio show will be “An eclectic mix of banging tunes, dope beats and serious soul.”

This has come as something of a surprise as the Monday-Thursday slot is on LBC radio, a station more normally associated with discussions and phone-ins.

But the spokesperson said today “Nigel was absolutely

December 16, 2016

£50bn Brexit fee to be recouped from post-EU money trees, say Brexiteers

by philapilus
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The future’s bright, the future’s Brexit

Brexiteers have scoffed at the £50bn bill the UK could receive for leaving the EU, pointing out that the first cash harvest from all the  new money trees will easily outweigh this figure.

Michel Barnier, the EU negotiator, has warned the bill will arrive as soon as Article 50 is triggered, but anti-EU campaigners have insisted it’s ‘no big deal’.

Brexiter Wendy Nailinthehead said “£50 bn? Peanuts. We could afford

December 16, 2016

Corbyn relaunch to feature new hat

by philapilus

 

 

 

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“Jeremy was worried the black one carried connotations of ostentation”

Jeremy Corbyn’s team has confirmed that the forthcoming relaunch of the labour leader will prominently feature “a new and extremely sincere hat”.

Tim Twanks, political advisor to Corbyn and original script-writer for 1970s comedy Citizen Smith, said “The hat is something we found in a charity shop. It cost £1, or £994 less than Theresa May’s leather trousers, proving that Mr Corbyn is 994 times more trustworthy and down to earth than the prime minister.”

The hat is beige, woollen, and

November 25, 2016

Blair dons suit of shining armour to help ‘politically homeless’

by philapilus
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                 “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Ex prime minister Tony Blair has ordered himself a brand new suit of shining armour, which he will wear whilst saving Britain from itself over the next few months.

Blair said today “I am here for you my children, here as your saviour once more. Here to lead you from the benighted valleys of Brexit and tory government back into the heavenly joys of New New Labour.

“I won’t be going back into the frontline of politics because frankly the pay is peanuts, but I will be saving the politically homeless (not to be confused with the real homeless, who are scuzzy and smelly and poor) from

November 23, 2016

Budget reveals surprising lack of cash

by philapilus

 

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We never really thought we’d actually miss him, but…

Philip Hammond’s first budget statement raised consternation today, after he was forced to admit that there didn’t seem to be a lot of money about.

The new chancellor addressed the House, saying “Mr Speaker, um, I’m not sure whether this will go down very well, but here goes anyway.

“Look, I really hope no one’s going to give me a ribbing over this, but it seems

November 6, 2016

Tuesday 8th November ‘excellent day to borrow money’

by philapilus
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Quite possibly this will all be worthless anyway, if we end up in the post-money, barter-based economy of Armageddon

Financial advisors have advised people seeking finances to borrow heavily this Tuesday.

Tim Twanks, Financial Advisor at Financial Advice Services, a financial advice company, said “It is our view that Tuesday 8th November 2016 is the very best day to take out an enormous personal loan, using your house or even your children as security.

“Because