Archive for ‘Music’

April 6, 2017

Theresa May: no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no ‘no-go areas’

by philapilus
File:2 Unlimited - 2016332013353 2016-11-26 Sunshine Live - Die 90er Live on Stage - Sven - 1D X II - 1770 - AK8I7434 mod.jpg

Philip Hammond will be joining Mrs May for the live performances. It won’t look like this.

Theresa May says she is fulfilling her long-standing ambition to break into the dance charts, after this morning’s surprise release of a version of 2 Unlimited’s ‘No Limits’.

Mrs May’s spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “It was a brilliant bit of showpersonship actually. The PM was speaking to party activists in Nottinghamshire and she told them there are no ‘no go’ areas for the tories in coming local elections.

“She fixed them with a stare and repeated ‘no no-go’. Then she said ‘No no. No no no no. No no no no…’ and as she spoke the music faded up, and she suddenly ripped off

read more »

Advertisements
January 5, 2017

Farage’s radio show ‘to celebrate multicultural music’

by philapilus
320px-nigel_farage_of_ukip

Just after dropping the mike on some seriously dope sh*t

A spokesperson for Nigel Farage revealed today that the ex-Ukip leader’s forthcoming radio show will be “An eclectic mix of banging tunes, dope beats and serious soul.”

This has come as something of a surprise as the Monday-Thursday slot is on LBC radio, a station more normally associated with discussions and phone-ins.

But the spokesperson said today “Nigel was absolutely

read more »

May 26, 2016

Elton John and Putin’s duet postponed

by philapilus

Common ground: Sir Elton also worked for the KGB in the 1980s

The much-anticipated duet between Elton John and Vladimir Putin will have to be put on hold, Russian officials said today.

The portly popstar and the Russian president were due to record a version of ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’ during Sir Elton’s visit to Russia next month, but “have had to postpone due to scheduling conflicts.”

The song – which Sir Elton originally recorded with Kiki Dee in 1976 – was going to be released by both men as “a joint

read more »

May 8, 2016

Harry Styles holds aloft scalp of vanquished foe

by philapilus
Harry_Styles_November_2014

yes, but who did he kill?

One Direction band member Harry Styles has posted a photo showing him holding a bundle of hair, attached to which is a blood-dripping human scalp.

The singer’s post has been greeted with a wave of frenzied speculation as, enigmatically, Styles did not indicate from whom the gory keepsake had been taken.

Uberfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “At first we thought Harry might have shorn his own lovely locks and got a bit

read more »

November 4, 2015

Hard Rock Cafe not very ‘rock’ at all

by philapilus
File:Black Converse sneakers.JPG

Worn by none other than the girl who cleaned the toilets after not one, but TWO Radiohead gigs

A couple who visited a Hard Rock Cafe yesterday have said they are “extremely surprised at how unrock the place was”.

Tim Twanks from Swindon said “I was kind of expecting it to be like a rock concert, only in a cafe.

“It wasn’t.

“Then I

read more »

September 14, 2015

Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet announced

by philapilus

Following a resounding victory in the battle for the Labour leadership at the weekend, Jeremy Corbyn has today announced the Appointments for his first shadow cabinet.

Shadow chancellor: Randy Rhoads.

Randy’s consummate skill is best exemplified by his solo on Ozzy Osboune’s ‘Mr Crowley’, but Rhoads’ phenomenal

read more »

August 17, 2015

Bin Laden’s tape collection “includes the Bangles and Steeleye Span”

by philapilus

“All around my hat I will wear the green ribbon…”

Experts analysing the vast tape collection of Osama Bin Laden have revealed that the Al Qaeda leader “was a huge fan of bands like the Bangles, the Mamas and the Papas, and British folk rock outfit, Steeleye Span.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Sound Studies went through more than 1500 casettes, and found that Bin Laden’s musical tastes tended to focus on anything recorded before Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’, which was the most recent album that he owned.

“‘Nevermind’ was almost worn out,” said McEyebrau “So he’d obviously listened to it a lot. We think he

read more »

June 30, 2015

“Glastonbury gone all corporate for booking Kanye” says man who paid £230 for ticket

by philapilus

Not Crosby, Stills or Nash

Festival goer Tim Twanks has accused Glastonbury of “failing to live up to its hippy credentials”, adding that when he paid £230 for a ticket he hadn’t for one minute expected that the festival was a remotely commercial enterprise.

Twanks returned to work this morning and told colleagues that an appearance by Kanye West had ruined his weekend and permanently undermined Gastonbury’s credibility as far as he was concerned.

“Free love, temporary tattoos, and £15.50 bottles of water is what I

read more »

April 7, 2015

American Pie song “is actually about pie”

by philapilus

‘The Levy was dry’ refers to the dark day when Mclean’s favourite shop, Levy’s Little Bakery, ran out of stewed apples

Fans of American Pie, the so-called ‘song of the century’ were left reeling with disappointment today, after 16 pages of notes revealed that Don Mclean’s 8 1/2 minute epic is actually just about pies.

The manuscript, which is to be auctioned at Christie’s, was expected to contain detailed annotations for some of the song’s stranger lyrical moments, providing commentary and explanation for phrases that have been puzzled over by fans for decades.

But, says auctioneer Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, the document is basically one very long list of the types of pie that Don Mclean was particularly fond of.

Fanshawe-Haines-Haines said “My hands were

read more »

February 26, 2015

Elderly lady falls over at Brits

by philapilus
File:Madonna à Nice 30 2.jpg

“In MY day everyone was respectable and wore ties”

There was bemusement at the Brit Awards last night, after a confused OAP wandered onto the stage during a song, and then fell down some stairs.

The woman, Ms M. Ciccone, seemed unharmed after the fall. Although members of the dance troupe then on stage tried to help her, she pushed them away, scolding “You young ‘uns don’t know you’re born! I’ve  fallen over more times than you’ve had hot dinners!”

She then fell over again, breaking an ankle, which left her squawking in pain for

read more »