Archive for ‘Literature’

May 5, 2015

Scandinavian gunmen open fire at US ‘Draw Thor’ competition

by philapilus

We can’t show Thor wielding it, for fear of reprisals

Norse mythology extremists have been killed by police, after opening fire at contestants attending a ‘Draw Thor’ competition in Dallas yesterday.

The masked gunmen were shot dead by a traffic policeman, in an exchange of fire following a savage attack, which mercifully left no one harmed other than the perpetrators.

The event’s organiser, controversial anti-Thorian and free speech advocate, Frank Castle, said “This kind of religious extremism is absolutely intolerable in

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February 6, 2015

Publishers hoping To Kill a Mockingbird sequel will feature wizards and vampires

by philapilus
File:Atticus and Tom Robinson in court.gif

“Maybe Atticus Finch has given up the unprofitable underdog lawsuits, and now runs a Secret Service school for turning delinquent kids into superspies? And his best friend is a giant robot.”

Publishers waiting to get their hands on Harper Lee’s manuscript Go Set A Watchman, said today they are hoping it will be very much in keeping with the current zeitgeist, with a plot that brings together wizards, angry dwarves, and a love triangle between a werewolf, a vampire and a zombie.

According to a spokesman for HarperCollins; “The sequel, which was actually written at the same time as To Kill A Mockingbird, will ideally continue the story of the impetuous Jean Louise ‘Scout’ Finch, and follow her enrolling in Pigverrucas School of Wizardry, battling other children as part of a

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May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

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December 13, 2013

British secret agent ‘never existed’

by philapilus
Shape of Walther PPK

A substitute penis for so many men through the ages, Bond never actually used the Walther PPK -mostly because he’s a make-believe character

Britain’s fans of espionage were in a state of shock today, after doctors from Nottingham and Derby proved that national hero, James Bond “is not a real person”.

A team of GPs announced today that “There’s no way that a complete alcoholic could sustain a job as a high-performing assassin and undercover operative for sixty years and counting.

“We’re sorry, but we’re pretty sure this means he isn’t real.”

The startling revelation has

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September 30, 2013

Women distraught as fictional character ‘dies’

by philapilus
Colin Firth leaving the premiere of "The ...

Colin Firth came to the door of his house this morning, to ask the thousands of women holding a candlelit vigil in the street to fuck off

Women across the UK have expressed their outrage this morning, after author Helen Fielding revealed that she had killed off the character Mark Darcy, husband of her most famous creation, Bridget Jones.

Female fans of Fielding were said to be ‘devastated’, ‘horrified’, and ‘grieving’, over the fact that the completely fictional character is no longer going to be written about in completely fictional literature, with one blogger describing it as ‘A death more painful to me than if my own children were drowned by a murderer’.

Unemployed blogger, Tina Twanks, said “Fielding has broken our hearts, and let us all down. This is the single greatest tragedy in

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February 19, 2013

‘Fat-faced little troglodyte’: Duchess of Cambridge attacks Hilary Mantel

by philapilus
Mastif_angielski_pręgowany na krajowej wystawi...

Mantel may not be the most beautiful author, but many feel Princess Kate has overstepped the mark

Princess Kate has been at the centre of a row this week, after totally unprovoked comments about Hilary Mantel that she made in a speech recently.

The duchess, who does not know Mantel personally, said that the double Booker Prize-winning author had “A face like a wad of unshaped dough, with two holes poked in it for eyes. Her teeth are yellowed and uneven, and her hair is swept back off her wrinkled, overlarge forehead in what may be the most aesthetically offensive hairstyle since Mo Mowlam.

“Her sharp nose could be called beaky, if it wasn’t for the fact that this would risk causing grave offence to vultures, while the

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