Archive for ‘Journalism’

January 12, 2017

2016 in headlines

by philapilus
carrie_fisher_2013

RIP to the only royalty who was ever worth a damn

Once again we look back over the last year through the major news headlines from around the globe. It’s our way of reminding you of the main events, movers and shakers of 2016, and definitely isn’t just  an easy way of tossing off a quick article whilst we’re on the toilet.

Brexit voters “will be first ones saved in the Rapture”

Russian athletes all secretly

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January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
donald_trump_nyma

There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

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July 19, 2016

Kelvin MacKenzie calls for topless reporters

by philapilus

Standing up for women and their empowerment, bless their little cotton socks

Sun journalist Kelvin Mackenzie has defended his criticism of a Hijab-wearing reporter on Channel 4, explaining “I’m not against the hijab per se, but against the wearing of any clothes other than a thong.

“Unless it’s a man. No men wearing thongs please. Just women, bouncing their

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January 14, 2016

2015 in Headlines

by philapilus

Lenin was amongst the famous people who died in 2015, along with such other political luminaries as Michael Ball, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble and Michael Bay. Astoundingly, Keith Richards survived yet another year

In our annual January attempt to avoid anything as strenuous as finding new news, TMB presents some of the more notable stories appearing in UK newspapers from last year:

Forensic science claims Jesus was spitting image of Brian Blessed

Ed Miliband ‘froze to death’ in park drinking meths on Christmas day

“I just want to kill the Jews” Trump reveals motivation

One Direction revealed as

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January 5, 2016

Corbyn in ‘crazed purge’ as shadow cabinet decimated

by philapilus

“Hilary Benn will be first against the wall come the Revolution”

There was bleak news from Labour this morning, after dissidents alerted the world to the fact that megalomaniacal leader Jeremy Corbyn has begun “an epic Stalinist-style cull of his shadow ministers”.

Whitehall sources and Labour defectors managed to smuggle the news out of the notoriously isolationist Labour party HQ, by wrapping it in a paper towel and pretending it was human faeces.

It was then passed on to the courageous British media, who wasted no time in heroically

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December 11, 2015

Mugabe backs Hopkins on backing Trump

by philapilus

‘England’s Rose’: according to Peter Sutcliffe, 84% of people consider Katie Hopkins to be the epitome of beauty

Robert Mugabe has this morning weighed into the argument over Donald Trump’s call for a US Muslim ban, claiming that “65% of all Britons agree with Katie Hopkins that at least 25% of all Britons agree with Donald Trump. Britain First! America First! Rights for Whites!”

Mugabe’s words were immediately backed by Kim Jong Un, whose support for Mugabe was subsequently backed by ISIS, who claimed that 3.3bn people (including themselves) had signed a petition calling for Trump to be king of the world.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Fuckwit-Analysis said “This is not the first time this has happened; a bigoted twat comes up with some spurious bullshit, which is immediately backed by an even bigger moron who invents some statistics, which are

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December 10, 2015

Daily Mail launches appeal to fix teeth of Lee Rigby killer

by philapilus

The Britain First campaign is asking the public to imagine Lee Rigby as “a little Christmas elf, who would want us all to join together in the spirit of charity”

The Daily Mail newspaper has announced a charitable appeal in order to raise funds for Michael Adebolago’s dental work.

The newspaper learned that the killer of Lee Rigby had lost two front teeth whilst being restrained by prison officers, and immediately decided to help.

Mail spokesperson, Mike Ock, said “Our paper is not just about cutting-edge journalism, we’re also about compassion. Lots of compassion. When we heard

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November 26, 2015

Osborne fails to complete wall on live TV

by philapilus
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/d1/Brick_wall_close-up_view.jpg/320px-Brick_wall_close-up_view.jpg

Presumably the chancellor’s catchphrase about finishing the job doesn’t apply in any concrete way

George Osborne has been criticised after doing a very half-assed bit of bricklaying which was caught by BBC cameras.

Journalists had tracked down the chancellor on a building site, where he spoke about the Spending Review and the economy, whilst working on a wall.

But to the nation’s surprise, after making his statement the chancellor downed his trowel, took off his helmet and hi-vis jacket, and

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November 23, 2015

EXCLUSIVE POLL! 1 in 5 writers for The Sun would DROWN A DOG!

by unpseudable
dog

Tom Newton Dunn, Political Editor of The Sun wants to DROWN THIS DOG*

An exclusive TMB poll of current writers for The Sun newspaper has revealed that a shocking 19% would voluntarily drown a dog.

Furthermore, a shocking 38% of respondents said yes they would ‘probably’ or ‘definitely’ burn every tree on the planet.

Ethics guru, Gary Uru responded to these shocking statistics. “These shocking statistics reveal the depth to which those on the payroll of The Sun might hypothetically sink.  Well, we always knew that some who wrote for the paper had more in common with the cockroach than you or me,

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October 12, 2015

Andrew Marr is not really allowed to park his fucking green scooter outside the front door, say BBC chiefs

by philapilus

“I don’t give a fuck” said megalomaniac Marr

Senior staff at the BBC have said that Andy Marr has “positively absolutely definitely NOT got permission to leave that stupid green scooter outside the front fucking door.”

The revelation comes after compliance officers investigated complaints that Marr has a God-complex.

On reviewing footage from the opening sequence of the Andrew Marr show, they notice

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