Archive for ‘International’

August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and

August 1, 2016

‘Trump sacrifices’ mostly offerings to Cthulhu

by philapilus

Donald getting out of the bath

Donald Trump has spoken out against the parents of a dead Muslim soldier, after they accused him of never having made sacrifices for his country.

Ghazala and Khizr Khan, parents of US Army captain Humayun Khan, said Trump did not understand Islam or sacrifice, leading the Republican candidate to retort with a waggle of his jowls and a shriek of bestial rage.

Interviewed later whilst

July 19, 2016

Trump’s wife made ‘covert attempt to derail husband’s campaign’

by philapilus

May contain plastic

Melania Trump has admitted that she did not plagiarise Michelle Obama, but was rather “in agreement with her about Barack.”

Mrs Trump said “When I repeated her comments about President Obama, I was actually trying to subliminally remind everyone that Michelle has a sane, competent, and actually even occasionally  inspirational spouse.

“I have Donald.”

She went on to

June 28, 2016

Corbyn blamed for Engxit

by unpseudable
jeremy_corbyn_global_justice_now

That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely

Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.

‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.

‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing,

June 23, 2016

EU Referendum: the final deliberation

by unpseudable
vote remain today

Fair and balanced reporting guaranteed *

As voters go to the polls, TMB asks two average members of the public on opposite sides of the debate to give their considered opinions on the definitely entirely valuable referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union.

 

On the side of Leave is ordinary guy, Guy Ordinary:

“Look, I’m not racist or anything, but every single problem that this country is facing is entirely down to bloody immigrants.

“But that’s not why I’m voting Leave – not the only reason anyway. The main reason – the other main reason – is, right, do you have any idea what we pay to the EU every year? No, neither do I,

June 22, 2016

Wanker of the week: Michael Gove

by philapilus
Michael_Gove_at_Policy_Exchange_delivering_his_keynote_speech_'The_Importance_of_Teaching'

the pob-headed little prick might as well grow a long moustache to twirl whilst he laughs maniacally

This week’s serial wanker is Leave campaign co-ordinator Michael Gove! Congratulations Michael!

Nominated by: the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

Nominated for: a divisive, mean-spirited, mendacious campaign to convince the British people to commit economic and political suicide

The Ghosts say: Michael has managed to

June 20, 2016

Chinese fisherman has ancient book “proving” China’s moon ownership

by philapilus

See; it’s red and everything

China’s claim to own the entirety of the moon has been vindicated according to the country’s national media by the discovery of a 600 year old book on the fishing island of Hainan.

The document, belonging to fisherman Jackie Chan, has been offered as definitive proof of lunar ownership, as it describes how the Chinese were the first people ever to look at the moon.

The South China Times reported that “We saw the moon first and we bagsied it then officially. You can’t undo

June 15, 2016

Complete Arts on film

by unpseudable

In this new feature, TMB’s Complete Arts sheds light on some of cinema’s most vexing vagaries

 

If only all films could be as clearly marketed as Scary Movie – indeed, a truly chilling film.

Surely Rain Man was going to be a superhero movie, for example; Ring a romantic comedy. Apparently not.

When a film fails to deliver on the promise of its title, the viewer is left floundering in confusion and unfulfilled anticipation.

And so, as a sober warning to our reader, TMB offers a top five of the most disappointingly perplexing films…

 

  1. American History X

A powerhouse performance by Edward Norton

April 13, 2016

Prince William reminded India is no longer a British possession

by philapilus

“No stay over there please, I can see you perfectly well from my carriage”

It has been explained to Prince William that the days of empire are over this morning, after he attempted to tell the Indian prime minister to “sort out this steel nonsense”.

On meeting prime minister Modi this morning, the prince handed him his coat and asked him to “go and fetch the viceroy chop chop, so we can stop you blighters ruining Port Talbot for everyone.”

After a hurried intervention by an aide, the perplexed William retrieved his coat, and addressed Mr Modi more directly, explaining that it was the

April 5, 2016

Iceland PM demoted to shelf-stacking over Panama Papers allegations

by philapilus

They’ll probably pin the takeover of equally dreadful proletariat foodshop Bejams on him too

The Prime Minister of Iceland Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson has resigned after accusations of concealing millions of dollars worth of assets, and has been returned to the shop floor.

A spokesman for Iceland – a store known for its budget frozen foods and cheap and cheerful Christmas ads starring Jason Donovan – said “We haven’t had a crisis like this since Kerry Katona got caught with the magic fairy dust.

“Sigmundur hasn’t just let himself down; he’s let down all the mums who

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