Archive for ‘International’

March 21, 2017

Allen highlights oppression of rich white actors

by unpseudable
Tim Allen

Oppressed

Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.

Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.

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January 23, 2017

Trump claims tornadoes ‘sent by God’

by philapilus
File:USPresidentialSeal.jpg

In four years time there will be an actual person who can legitimately use this, rather than an intemperate caveman with the intellect and sex appeal of a dying whelk

Pretend President Trump has suggested that God is responsible for the deaths of 18 people in the Southern United States after severe weather and tornadoes ripped through Georgia and Mississippi.

Trump previously cited God’s decision to personally favour him by stopping the rain during his inaugural speech*, explaining that “the weather from now on will reflect the Almighty’s positive feelings towards me.”

But after the violent storms caused chaos, the

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January 23, 2017

Bashful May admits Trident ‘has developed A.I.’

by philapilus
File:Trident II missile image.jpg

Trump will definitely unleash nuclear devastation soon, but most of the bombs will be aimed at the houses of people he doesn’t like within America’s own borders, such as the Clinton residence

Theresa May has been forced into making the embarrassing revelation that Britain’s nuclear weapons system has developed artificial intelligence and now chooses its own targets.

Downing Street finally admitted today that Mrs May had been told about a missile that went off course during a Trident test last year, but further admitted that “The system simply chose its own target.”

MOD spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, clarified the statement, telling reporters “We can confirm that

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January 18, 2017

Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
640px-donald_trump_and_mike_pence_rnc_july_2016

A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then

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January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
donald_trump_nyma

There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

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November 27, 2016

Obituary: Fidel Castro, by George Galloway

by philapilus

Oh el Comandante! Sad, saddest of days that he should be taken from us! The tears that I weep know no stoppage, except to write this, for – great man that I am – I shall lay aside my personal grief to bestow upon you my memories of Fidel.

When Castro and I met I could tell at once that the tall, handsome, romantic, revolutionary figure I cut impressed him greatly. He could barely bring himself to look at me, feigning indifference to hide his jealousy.

fidel_castro5_cropped

(F.C.)

File:George Galloway 2007-02-24.jpg

It’s not all about me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My powerfully sexual presence naturally would

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November 23, 2016

Budget reveals surprising lack of cash

by philapilus

 

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We never really thought we’d actually miss him, but…

Philip Hammond’s first budget statement raised consternation today, after he was forced to admit that there didn’t seem to be a lot of money about.

The new chancellor addressed the House, saying “Mr Speaker, um, I’m not sure whether this will go down very well, but here goes anyway.

“Look, I really hope no one’s going to give me a ribbing over this, but it seems

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October 27, 2016

Russia: ‘Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough ‘

by philapilus

Like a giant floating phallus

The Russian warships currently en route to flatten Syria have definitively proven how hard the country is, it has been revealed.

Russia’s deployment of a fleet is just the latest in a series of bold antagonistic moves, all of which have combined to make everyone think that Russia is really cool, muscly, and

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August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and

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August 1, 2016

‘Trump sacrifices’ mostly offerings to Cthulhu

by philapilus

Donald getting out of the bath

Donald Trump has spoken out against the parents of a dead Muslim soldier, after they accused him of never having made sacrifices for his country.

Ghazala and Khizr Khan, parents of US Army captain Humayun Khan, said Trump did not understand Islam or sacrifice, leading the Republican candidate to retort with a waggle of his jowls and a shriek of bestial rage.

Interviewed later whilst

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