Archive for ‘International’

March 25, 2018

TMB EXCLUSIVE: Leaked memo following John Bolton’s appointment in the Trump administration

by articulatedsheep

With news having emerged in the last week that charmingly-described “ultra-hawk” John Bolton is to be appointed as President Trump’s National Security Adviser, TMB reveals this incredibly – and in no way made-up – memo from senior Department of Defense individuals revealing the likely interventions that Bolton is likely to make as he pursues his long held belief that the USA should indiscriminately attack any and all other countries.

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March 22, 2018

Putin wins 2024 presidential election

by philapilus

“Do something about it then…”

Russian premier Vladimir Putin was celebrating today after achieving victory in the next (and as yet unstarted) presidential election cycle.

Putin’s win has been described as “decisive” and “conclusive”, with a record-breaking 103% of the vote, according to the

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January 15, 2018

Trump proves he isn’t a racist by saying that he isn’t

by philapilus

“Does this face look racist? Let me tell you, this face is not racist, this is not a racist face. I wouldn’t lie, trust me. How could I be lying – I’m white!”

Orange sociopath Donald Trump has silenced critics and proved his non-racist credentials once and for all, after explaining to reporters that whatever he says is absolutely fine as long as he tells you it is.

The White House squatter was under fire for allegedly referring to poorer countries as ‘shitholes’ during a meeting with senior republicans and democrats, but the Trump camp claims such fake news has now successfully been dispelled by “the expert and statesmanlike subsequent emission of flatulence from Donald’s mouth.”

Using his preferred

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July 17, 2017

Martin Landau surprisingly reanimated

by unpseudable

After being saddened by his death, the world of Hollywood was this week stunned by renowned actor Martin Landau apparently coming back to life.

Landau

Landau earlier today

“It obviously wasn’t the uncommon reanimation that shocked me,” said recently deceased film critic Barry Norman. “I mean, I’ve seen that in literally thousands of films. No, it was more the irony that it was Landau who rose from the grave rather than legendary zombie movie director George Romero.”

Romero, who also sadly passed away this week, stubbornly refused to come back to life. “I just don’t see the point,” he is reported to have said,

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July 12, 2017

Vatican: Glutenous bread “more fleshy”

by unpseudable
bread

An artist’s representation of Jesus

The Roman Catholic Church this week ruled that gluten-free bread can no longer be used in Mass.

In a letter to bishops, Cardinal Robert Sarah stated that gluten-free bread “just isn’t Jesusy enough, you know? The texture is all different – not like flesh at all, in my experience.”

Sarah (who is obviously a man – this is the Roman Catholic Church), went on to add, “I mean, what’s the point of a metaphor if people don’t stick to it rigidly?

“N-not that it’s a metaphor of course, oh no: Jesus was literally – literally, mind you – made of bread and wine.

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May 22, 2017

Glowing telepathic orb ‘traumatised’ after touch of Trump

by philapilus
Solar Background

‘The horror…the…horror…’

A glowing orb designed to read the minds of all who touch it has said it will never work again after being handled by Donald Trump yesterday.

Trump – along with Saudi King Salman and the Egyptian president Abdul Fattah al-Sisi – decided to have their profoundest secrets and thoughts exposed to 

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May 4, 2017

Macron and Le Pen have ‘night of passion’

by philapilus
File:Macron & Le Pen.jpg

Animals

It has been revealed that French presidential candidates Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron retired to a hotel after their stormy TV debate last night, where they gave in to their obvious attraction and had relentless intercourse.

News that the pair had left the debate together and checked into a nearby hotel was corroborated by

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March 21, 2017

Allen highlights oppression of rich white actors

by unpseudable
Tim Allen

Oppressed

Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.

Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.

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January 23, 2017

Trump claims tornadoes ‘sent by God’

by philapilus
File:USPresidentialSeal.jpg

In four years time there will be an actual person who can legitimately use this, rather than an intemperate caveman with the intellect and sex appeal of a dying whelk

Pretend President Trump has suggested that God is responsible for the deaths of 18 people in the Southern United States after severe weather and tornadoes ripped through Georgia and Mississippi.

Trump previously cited God’s decision to personally favour him by stopping the rain during his inaugural speech*, explaining that “the weather from now on will reflect the Almighty’s positive feelings towards me.”

But after the violent storms caused chaos, the

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January 23, 2017

Bashful May admits Trident ‘has developed A.I.’

by philapilus
File:Trident II missile image.jpg

Trump will definitely unleash nuclear devastation soon, but most of the bombs will be aimed at the houses of people he doesn’t like within America’s own borders, such as the Clinton residence

Theresa May has been forced into making the embarrassing revelation that Britain’s nuclear weapons system has developed artificial intelligence and now chooses its own targets.

Downing Street finally admitted today that Mrs May had been told about a missile that went off course during a Trident test last year, but further admitted that “The system simply chose its own target.”

MOD spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, clarified the statement, telling reporters “We can confirm that

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