making no difference at all since 2012
The writer goes on to accuse opponents of scaremongering and inventing misleading statistics
A tablet discovered during an archaeological dig in London – and believed to be the oldest hand-written document in the UK – was actually an opinion piece on Brexit, it has been revealed.
The wooden tablet dates from 57 AD, and appears to have been a fragment of a large wooden newspaper article, weighing up the pros and cons of severing ties with the continent.
The deciphered
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The only bad thing that ever came out of Austria was lederhose
The 1st round victory for a far-right presidential candidate in Austria is “absolutely and categorically nothing to worry about” according to sources.
Hans Onmycok, political analyst and sandwich admirer, said “It’s not a big deal. Austria has a happy tradition of accomodating the extreme views of the far right without anything going wrong.
“If Norbert Hofer goes on to win he’ll probably be just as fine as the last right wing one we had. A bit zany perhaps, but no one we wouldn’t be publicly proud to
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Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed
TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…
1925: notorious gangster Al Capone invents the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos
1953: Southend is destroyed when a huge interstellar alien craft falls from
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Lenin was amongst the famous people who died in 2015, along with such other political luminaries as Michael Ball, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble and Michael Bay. Astoundingly, Keith Richards survived yet another year
In our annual January attempt to avoid anything as strenuous as finding new news, TMB presents some of the more notable stories appearing in UK newspapers from last year:
Forensic science claims Jesus was spitting image of Brian Blessed
Ed Miliband ‘froze to death’ in park drinking meths on Christmas day
“I just want to kill the Jews” Trump reveals motivation
One Direction revealed as
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Interestingly not designed by someone who thought batshit-mad medieval edicts and fictional super-powered friends were the be-all and end-all of human endeavour
Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.
Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.
Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a
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The finale to season 47 will feature the obligatory robot butler
Fans of Downton Abbey have lauded the appearance of Neville Chamberlain in last night’s episode, where he prophesied the rise of European fascism, much to the pleasure of the family and staff.
The pseudo-historical soap opera featured the pro-appeasement politician coming to dinner, where he delighted the Earl of Grantham and Lady Violet with a long-winded explanation about how important it is to make friends with powerful, morally bankrupt dictators.
“If only there was a strong leader in Germany,” said Neville, “someone to
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Less than ecstatic
Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II has described her trouncing of Queen Victoria’s longevity-record as “a huge anticlimax”.
The Queen said “I waited decades to reach this milestone; survived all the attempts on my life by my son, and even the foiled coup d’etat launched by the Krankies.
“But it’s a
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“People probably think we look stupid now”
Druids have expressed outrage at the discovery of an enormous neolithic monument less than 2 miles from Stonehenge, claiming that “All the leylines are completely fucked up now”.
Self-proclaimed chief-druid, Uther Merlin Mordred (who legally changed his name from Jeff Scone), said “Can you blame us for being cross? This has ruined years of work.
“Imagine you got a Feng Shui expert to do the room you live in in your mum’s house, right, and he did it all beautifully, but then
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The Wars of the Roses began as a squabble between the two counties both of which claimed to have the ugliest women
Lancashire has mocked “Yorkshire softies” this week, claiming that the county “Doesn’t even know its been born, with its lahdeedah clean water and its lahdeedah sanitation”.
The attack came after proud Lancastrians entered a second week of having to boil their water for health reasons, leading the delighted misanthropes to revel in gleeful masochism.
Pat Greendale, founder of the Antagonise Yorkshire Society, said “Bloody Yorkshire, think they’re so tough; we’re more hard done by than
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The Duke of Windsor making new friends
Buckingham Palace has responded angrily to the release of footage of the young Princess Elizabeth giving a Nazi salute in 1933, saying that the Queen is no fascist, even if the rest of the family are.Sir Percy Spoke, Keeper of the Queen’s Loo-roll said “Her Majesty deplores Hitler, National Socialism, the Holocaust, and all of the horrors of Nazi rule. Making a silly gesture as a seven-year-old does not equate to any sort of ideological support.
“It’s not like she’s Edward VIII, Prince Philip, Prince Harry, Prin- actually hang on, can we just back up a second? You didn’t record that last bit did you? Oh shit.”
Despite
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