Archive for ‘Europe’

June 23, 2016

EU Referendum: the final deliberation

by unpseudable
vote remain today

Fair and balanced reporting guaranteed *

As voters go to the polls, TMB asks two average members of the public on opposite sides of the debate to give their considered opinions on the definitely entirely valuable referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union.

 

On the side of Leave is ordinary guy, Guy Ordinary:

“Look, I’m not racist or anything, but every single problem that this country is facing is entirely down to bloody immigrants.

“But that’s not why I’m voting Leave – not the only reason anyway. The main reason – the other main reason – is, right, do you have any idea what we pay to the EU every year? No, neither do I,

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June 22, 2016

Wanker of the week: Michael Gove

by philapilus
Michael_Gove_at_Policy_Exchange_delivering_his_keynote_speech_'The_Importance_of_Teaching'

the pob-headed little prick might as well grow a long moustache to twirl whilst he laughs maniacally

This week’s serial wanker is Leave campaign co-ordinator Michael Gove! Congratulations Michael!

Nominated by: the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

Nominated for: a divisive, mean-spirited, mendacious campaign to convince the British people to commit economic and political suicide

The Ghosts say: Michael has managed to

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June 22, 2016

Farage: have I got time for one more racist poster?

by philapilus
zombies

calm and measured message

Nigel Farage has asked today whether he has enough time to unveil just one more fascist poster before tomorrow’s referendum.

Holding a press conference in his local pub, the Negro’s Head, Farage said “I’m not racist, and UKIP isn’t racist, but i do just need to unveil one more poster which might look a bit racist. It’s just that I got them all printed up as a job lot, and it would be a terrible waste of money to scrap this last one.

“I’m definitely not a racist. How

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June 16, 2016

Brexit naval battle signals beginning of hostilities

by philapilus

Sadly neither Geldoff nor Farage was injured in the carnage

The war between the Leave and Remain campaigns has finally started, after a major battle on the Thames between the navies of the opposing sides.

The Leave flotilla, under Admiral Nigel Farage, sailed up the Thames towards the Houses of Parliament, where they planned to take the government by surprise, bombing the Palace of Westminster into the water and taking the Prime Minister captive.

But the Remain fleet, bravely led by Commodore Bob Geldoff, met

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June 1, 2016

UK’s oldest document reveals ancient Brexit uncertainty

by philapilus

The writer goes on to accuse opponents of scaremongering and inventing misleading statistics

A tablet discovered during an archaeological dig in London – and believed to be the oldest hand-written document in the UK – was actually an opinion piece on Brexit, it has been revealed.

The wooden tablet dates from 57 AD, and appears to have been a fragment of a large wooden newspaper article, weighing up the pros and cons of severing ties with the continent.

The deciphered

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April 24, 2016

Far right lead in Austria “nothing to worry about”

by philapilus
File:PortraitLHvers1870.jpg

The only bad thing that ever came out of Austria was lederhose

The 1st round victory for a far-right presidential candidate in Austria is “absolutely and categorically nothing to worry about” according to sources.

Hans Onmycok, political analyst and sandwich admirer, said “It’s not a big deal. Austria has a happy tradition of accomodating the extreme views of the far right without anything going wrong.

“If Norbert Hofer goes on to win he’ll probably be just as fine as the last right wing one we had. A bit zany perhaps, but no one we wouldn’t be publicly proud to

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March 30, 2016

Shake it all about campaigners join Brexit row

by philapilus

Come on, everybody: ‘That’s what it’s all about…’

As the UK referendum on Eu membership draws closer, the In and Out campaigns have been blindsided by the unexpected development of a new ‘Shake it all about’ faction.

Though it has joined the battle over Britain’s future somewhat late in the day, pundits agree that the Shake it all about campaign has already made a powerful impression on the public imagination.

SIAB advocate Geoff Shovel explained the resonance of the movement.”This morning former

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March 19, 2016

Labour plans weeklong campaign on the abolition of the Agricultural Wages Board

by articulatedsheep

Labour communications supremo Seumas Milne was reportedly “putting the finishing touches” to the party’s “week of action” on the abolition of the body that regulated wages for those in the agricultural sector, in the runup to Easter.

In a move likely to surprise commentators who might have expected the party to capitalise on the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith and open warfare in the Cabinet over Europe and cuts and disability benefits, Milne reportedly considers that there is “more long term traction” in a detailed dissection of the Government’s policies relating to the rural economy.

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July 8, 2015

‘Grexit’ renamed ‘Greverlasting wrangle’

by philapilus

He might be a bit stubborn, but to be fair he was elected as the leader of Greece; you know, to lead Greece…

As talks over the Greek financial crisis enter their 17th year, the feared departure of Greece from the Euro has been renamed, to reflect the fact that most people now expect the debate to go on interminably.

The chief cause of the neverending dispute appears to lie in the worsening relationship between Greece and her German-led creditors.

Hans Onmycok, Advisor on Financial Wrangles to Angela Merkel, said “Greece needs to know that it is absolutely not OK to have a government that acts according to the democratic will of its people alone. It should be obvious to

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June 30, 2015

UK sends bit of fence to France

by philapilus

“Fortunately fences are impossible to break, or indeed to scale” said Brokenshire

The UK government has announced it will send the National Barrier Asset to Calais, to help desperate authorities there cope with the scale of migrants trying to enter Britain illegally.

The National Barrier Asset was developed in the aftermath of terrorist attacks and has been described with glowing reverence by the Ministry of Defence as ‘a really quite long bit of fence’.

Immigration minister, James Brokenshire, said “A shorter bit of the long bit of fence will be sent to France and deployed at their end of the Eurotunnel, to show just

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