Archive for ‘Europe’

June 29, 2016

UK doesn’t remember Turkey

by philapilus

Drawing a blank

The United Kingdom said this morning that it can’t quite remember Turkey, asking whether it was perhaps in South America.

After news broke that a city in Turkey had suffered a huge terrorist attack, with scores of people dead, Britain collectively mouthed the country’s name, whilst shaking its head in puzzlement.

Man on the street Geoff Shovel said “Turkey…Turk-ey…? Nope, nope not really ringing any bells. Are you

June 28, 2016

Corbyn blamed for Engxit

by unpseudable
jeremy_corbyn_global_justice_now

That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely

Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.

‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.

‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing,

June 28, 2016

Hodgson resigns from shadow cabinet

by philapilus

has had enough of Corbyn

Roy Hodgson has resigned from the shadow cabinet following the England football  team’s drubbing at the hands of a country with less people in it than Shropshire.

After England pulled out of Euro 2016 due to being comprehensively beaten, Hodgson said he “no longer had faith in Jeremy Corbyn, and I will no longer serve in

June 27, 2016

Britain only allowed to vote for TV talent shows in future

by philapilus

You can vote for this, but NOTHING ELSE

Britain has been told that it should restrict itself to voting on completely pointless shit like Saturday night talent shows, and must now refrain from ever voting on anything that matters.

Experts stressed the importance of Britain never going near a ballot box again, after the country effectively voted in favour of jumping off a very tall cliff to see how much it hurt when you hit the ground.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of

June 24, 2016

Cameron quits to be first in job queue

by philapilus

“I don’t suppose you have any positions open? I am looking for something as far away from Britain as possible.”

David Cameron has resigned today as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, in order to be first in the job queue.

Following Britain’s historic and courageous decision to cut itself off from Europe and drown in the North Sea, Mr Cameron said “I just want to say that although this referendum malarkey has clearly been a huge mistake in hindsight, I am confident and optimistic that if I get to the job centre quickly, I should be able to get my CV in before the rest of you.

“Look, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I’ve done what no

June 23, 2016

EU Referendum: the final deliberation

by unpseudable
vote remain today

Fair and balanced reporting guaranteed *

As voters go to the polls, TMB asks two average members of the public on opposite sides of the debate to give their considered opinions on the definitely entirely valuable referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union.

 

On the side of Leave is ordinary guy, Guy Ordinary:

“Look, I’m not racist or anything, but every single problem that this country is facing is entirely down to bloody immigrants.

“But that’s not why I’m voting Leave – not the only reason anyway. The main reason – the other main reason – is, right, do you have any idea what we pay to the EU every year? No, neither do I,

June 22, 2016

Wanker of the week: Michael Gove

by philapilus
Michael_Gove_at_Policy_Exchange_delivering_his_keynote_speech_'The_Importance_of_Teaching'

the pob-headed little prick might as well grow a long moustache to twirl whilst he laughs maniacally

This week’s serial wanker is Leave campaign co-ordinator Michael Gove! Congratulations Michael!

Nominated by: the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

Nominated for: a divisive, mean-spirited, mendacious campaign to convince the British people to commit economic and political suicide

The Ghosts say: Michael has managed to

June 22, 2016

Farage: have I got time for one more racist poster?

by philapilus
zombies

calm and measured message

Nigel Farage has asked today whether he has enough time to unveil just one more fascist poster before tomorrow’s referendum.

Holding a press conference in his local pub, the Negro’s Head, Farage said “I’m not racist, and UKIP isn’t racist, but i do just need to unveil one more poster which might look a bit racist. It’s just that I got them all printed up as a job lot, and it would be a terrible waste of money to scrap this last one.

“I’m definitely not a racist. How

June 16, 2016

Brexit naval battle signals beginning of hostilities

by philapilus

Sadly neither Geldoff nor Farage was injured in the carnage

The war between the Leave and Remain campaigns has finally started, after a major battle on the Thames between the navies of the opposing sides.

The Leave flotilla, under Admiral Nigel Farage, sailed up the Thames towards the Houses of Parliament, where they planned to take the government by surprise, bombing the Palace of Westminster into the water and taking the Prime Minister captive.

But the Remain fleet, bravely led by Commodore Bob Geldoff, met

June 1, 2016

UK’s oldest document reveals ancient Brexit uncertainty

by philapilus

The writer goes on to accuse opponents of scaremongering and inventing misleading statistics

A tablet discovered during an archaeological dig in London – and believed to be the oldest hand-written document in the UK – was actually an opinion piece on Brexit, it has been revealed.

The wooden tablet dates from 57 AD, and appears to have been a fragment of a large wooden newspaper article, weighing up the pros and cons of severing ties with the continent.

The deciphered