Archive for ‘Europe’

January 26, 2018

David Davis’s Brexit Update

by philapilus

 

Hi everyone!

 

It’s David Davis here, back with some great news about the Brexit plans!

Now, I know some of you will have been confused by Philip Hammond’s recent comments, about how our relationship with Europe will be more or less the same – but let me assure all those of you who so rightly  voted Leave that this is NOT the case!

I have made sure Michel Barnier is

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January 22, 2018

Farage considering donning the Nigelsuit one last time

by philapilus

“Quick! Hold him down and inject the sedatives straight into his neck!”

Nigel Farage has reopened the Faragecave, and is dusting off the Nigelsuit, according to sources close to the UKIP MEP.

UKIP went into a nosedive this morning, after leader Henry Bolton’s refusal to resign over texts his horrible racist ex sent, leading party stalwart Neil Hamilton to fire up the Nigelsymbol from atop a Wetherspoons pub.

Although the

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October 18, 2017

Grayling: The future is Brussels…sprouts

by philapilus

Turnip

Chris Grayling has expanded on comments he made at the weekend when he explained that if foreign food prices increase dramatically post-Brexit “everyone can just eat more British produce”.

Pictured holding a turnip, Grayling said today “If we walk away from Europe with a ‘No Deal’ situation it honestly won’t be a problem.

“If imported

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May 4, 2017

Macron and Le Pen have ‘night of passion’

by philapilus
File:Macron & Le Pen.jpg

Animals

It has been revealed that French presidential candidates Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron retired to a hotel after their stormy TV debate last night, where they gave in to their obvious attraction and had relentless intercourse.

News that the pair had left the debate together and checked into a nearby hotel was corroborated by

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December 16, 2016

£50bn Brexit fee to be recouped from post-EU money trees, say Brexiteers

by philapilus
image

The future’s bright, the future’s Brexit

Brexiteers have scoffed at the £50bn bill the UK could receive for leaving the EU, pointing out that the first cash harvest from all the  new money trees will easily outweigh this figure.

Michel Barnier, the EU negotiator, has warned the bill will arrive as soon as Article 50 is triggered, but anti-EU campaigners have insisted it’s ‘no big deal’.

Brexiter Wendy Nailinthehead said “£50 bn? Peanuts. We could afford

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June 29, 2016

UK doesn’t remember Turkey

by philapilus

Drawing a blank

The United Kingdom said this morning that it can’t quite remember Turkey, asking whether it was perhaps in South America.

After news broke that a city in Turkey had suffered a huge terrorist attack, with scores of people dead, Britain collectively mouthed the country’s name, whilst shaking its head in puzzlement.

Man on the street Geoff Shovel said “Turkey…Turk-ey…? Nope, nope not really ringing any bells. Are you

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June 28, 2016

Corbyn blamed for Engxit

by unpseudable
jeremy_corbyn_global_justice_now

That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely

Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.

‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.

‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing,

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June 28, 2016

Hodgson resigns from shadow cabinet

by philapilus

has had enough of Corbyn

Roy Hodgson has resigned from the shadow cabinet following the England football  team’s drubbing at the hands of a country with less people in it than Shropshire.

After England pulled out of Euro 2016 due to being comprehensively beaten, Hodgson said he “no longer had faith in Jeremy Corbyn, and I will no longer serve in

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June 27, 2016

Britain only allowed to vote for TV talent shows in future

by philapilus

You can vote for this, but NOTHING ELSE

Britain has been told that it should restrict itself to voting on completely pointless shit like Saturday night talent shows, and must now refrain from ever voting on anything that matters.

Experts stressed the importance of Britain never going near a ballot box again, after the country effectively voted in favour of jumping off a very tall cliff to see how much it hurt when you hit the ground.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of

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June 24, 2016

Cameron quits to be first in job queue

by philapilus

“I don’t suppose you have any positions open? I am looking for something as far away from Britain as possible.”

David Cameron has resigned today as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, in order to be first in the job queue.

Following Britain’s historic and courageous decision to cut itself off from Europe and drown in the North Sea, Mr Cameron said “I just want to say that although this referendum malarkey has clearly been a huge mistake in hindsight, I am confident and optimistic that if I get to the job centre quickly, I should be able to get my CV in before the rest of you.

“Look, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I’ve done what no

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