Archive for ‘Entertainment’

June 15, 2016

Complete Arts on film

by unpseudable

In this new feature, TMB’s Complete Arts sheds light on some of cinema’s most vexing vagaries

 

If only all films could be as clearly marketed as Scary Movie – indeed, a truly chilling film.

Surely Rain Man was going to be a superhero movie, for example; Ring a romantic comedy. Apparently not.

When a film fails to deliver on the promise of its title, the viewer is left floundering in confusion and unfulfilled anticipation.

And so, as a sober warning to our reader, TMB offers a top five of the most disappointingly perplexing films…

 

  1. American History X

A powerhouse performance by Edward Norton

May 26, 2016

Elton John and Putin’s duet postponed

by philapilus

Common ground: Sir Elton also worked for the KGB in the 1980s

The much-anticipated duet between Elton John and Vladimir Putin will have to be put on hold, Russian officials said today.

The portly popstar and the Russian president were due to record a version of ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’ during Sir Elton’s visit to Russia next month, but “have had to postpone due to scheduling conflicts.”

The song – which Sir Elton originally recorded with Kiki Dee in 1976 – was going to be released by both men as “a joint

May 8, 2016

Harry Styles holds aloft scalp of vanquished foe

by philapilus
Harry_Styles_November_2014

yes, but who did he kill?

One Direction band member Harry Styles has posted a photo showing him holding a bundle of hair, attached to which is a blood-dripping human scalp.

The singer’s post has been greeted with a wave of frenzied speculation as, enigmatically, Styles did not indicate from whom the gory keepsake had been taken.

Uberfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “At first we thought Harry might have shorn his own lovely locks and got a bit

March 19, 2016

Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.

donald_trump_gop

“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

February 23, 2016

30-somethings shocked after Friends’ cast reunion is crap

by philapilus
File:Friends logo.svg

Yeah, but who gives a fuck anymore?

The TV reunion of most of the cast of Friends (apart from the one who couldn’t be bothered to turn up) was not the best thing ever, admitted disappointed fans today.

Lacking a script, youthful demeanor, a story, and the one actor who was quite funny, the stars sat down and did bugger-all for 2 hours – to everyone’s surprise.

Wendy Nailinthehead, IT drone, said “Me and my girls thought it would be amazing, and that we would all be magically transported back to our early carefree twenties, when we were cool.

“Instead we spent an evening listening to boring anecdotes from

February 11, 2016

Top Gear presenters revealed!

by philapilus

Brrrrm brrrrrm goes fast; make all little boys excited

The full line-up of Top Gear presenters has finally been revealed, and TMB brings you the lowdown on all of them:

John Maynard Keynes: Keynes is a huge fan of governmental intervention within the economy, steerage of which can be best achieved through public expenditure or fiscal policies. He will be mostly based in the studio.

Milton Friedman: by contrast Milton Friedman is the main advocate of monetarism, and preferred deregulation and adherence to the quantitative theory of the money supply. As such he is the chalk to Keynes’ cheese; expect lots of

January 14, 2016

Jakarta attacks spoiling focus on Rickman’s death and ’69 club’ speculation

by philapilus

“No one’s saying it’s not sad, but seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?”

The deaths of some Indonesian people are taking up valuable news space which could better be used to lament the late David Bowie and Alan Rickman, say experts.

Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Stuff said today “Analysis of trending news reveals too much attention is being given to some nobodies in Jakarta who you have never heard of.

“What we need to be focussing our attention on, as a civilised, moral country, is whether the deaths of Bowie and Rickman – both at the age of 69 – are proof that the so-called 27 club of dead celebrities is being replaced by a new 69 club of dead celebrities.

“It is

December 3, 2015

Bruce Forsyth in repair shop, will miss Christmas Strictly

by philapilus
File:Sir Bruce Forsyth opening The Sir Bruce Forsyth Auditorium at Millfield Theatre on October 6th 2009 2014-08-10 12-29.jpg

At home with friends

The animatronics inside the preserved corpse of TV presenter Sir Bruce Forsyth have malfunctioned and are undergoing extensive repairs, meaning ‘Brucie’ will not be presenting the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special.

A BBC spokesperson said that “Having Sir Bruce on the show before the repairs are properly finished would be very unwise. A piston might punch right through his brittle, leathery skin and knock Claudia Winkleman’s teeth out.

“He will have to be dipped in formaldehyde and his circuit board will need to be wired from scratch. We’re sorry to say that Sir Bruce will therefore not

October 27, 2015

Assassin’s Creed Syndicate features man falling over a lot

by philapilus

Moments later he falls down an open manhole

The new Assassin’s Creed has been praised for its dedication to realism, after players discovered that most of the game involves tripping over things and falling into gutters, because of the debilitating hood.

This has been hailed as a bold departure from previous games, which have seen characters perform amazing feats of derring-do and skullduggery, despite having all the field of vision of a mole wrapped up in a sock and then smashed against a wall till it loses consciousness.

AC obsessive Tim Twanks said “I have always wondered how

June 30, 2015

“Glastonbury gone all corporate for booking Kanye” says man who paid £230 for ticket

by philapilus

Not Crosby, Stills or Nash

Festival goer Tim Twanks has accused Glastonbury of “failing to live up to its hippy credentials”, adding that when he paid £230 for a ticket he hadn’t for one minute expected that the festival was a remotely commercial enterprise.

Twanks returned to work this morning and told colleagues that an appearance by Kanye West had ruined his weekend and permanently undermined Gastonbury’s credibility as far as he was concerned.

“Free love, temporary tattoos, and £15.50 bottles of water is what I