Archive for ‘Employment’

March 19, 2016

Labour plans weeklong campaign on the abolition of the Agricultural Wages Board

by articulatedsheep

Labour communications supremo Seumas Milne was reportedly “putting the finishing touches” to the party’s “week of action” on the abolition of the body that regulated wages for those in the agricultural sector, in the runup to Easter.

In a move likely to surprise commentators who might have expected the party to capitalise on the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith and open warfare in the Cabinet over Europe and cuts and disability benefits, Milne reportedly considers that there is “more long term traction” in a detailed dissection of the Government’s policies relating to the rural economy.

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July 16, 2015

Trade Unions not really necessary anymore, says government

by philapilus

None of these people brought the mandatory armadillo which would have made the strike legal, so they were all thrown off Beachy Head

The government has said that its plans to change the way Trade Unions vote on strikes are in no way an assault on workers’ rights because “workers already have everything they want”.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid said “All those people who are saying that this will make legal strikes impossible are overlooking the fact that no one really wants to strike anymore. We’ve fixed pretty much everything, and everyone is happy.

“What we need is a country that works for working people who work at the right kind of work and don’t work with other workers to

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February 10, 2015

Cameron pledges UK-wide pay rise will exclude entire public sector

by philapilus

“No.”

David Cameron is today calling on the British Chamber of Commerce to give staff a pay rise, whilst promising public sector workers will continue to live in penury “because it makes me chuckle.”

The Prime Minister is using the BCC annual conference as a platform to unveil a new policy-drive, which aims to ensure that prosperity will not be passed on to state employees, in case they start to get ideas.

Mr Cameron said “Britain is working hard, and deserves to be rewarded. But that’s just a suggestion – do whatever

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October 20, 2014

Government to crack down on crazy hormonal mums

by philapilus

‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’

The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.

The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.

The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to

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October 17, 2014

Shops now just telling customers to f*ck off

by philapilus

‘Good f*cking riddance…’

The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind

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June 16, 2014

Bank of England ‘puzzled’ by how lazy you are

by philapilus

21st century ennui: even the animal kingdom can’t be arsed anymore

The Bank of England says it is puzzled about why British people spend so much of their time at work playing Freecell, making coffee, or self-abusing in the toilets.

Governor Mark Carney said “Productivity is still below pre-recession levels. Loads of you are in employment, but you appear to be doing – how can I put this? – sod all.

“Why does no one in this country believe in hard work?”

Key figures of the British Chamber of Commerce prepared a reply to Mr Carney, about how diminished demand and over-employment reduced apparent productivity levels, but then none of them could be bothered to write it down, so they

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June 11, 2014

Tory MP accuses Oxfam ad of deliberate accuracy

by philapilus

Britain; where everything is just brilliant. No need to give generously at all.

Conservative MP Conor Burns has demanded that the Charities Commission investigate Oxfam, over an ad campaign which he claims “maliciously and wantonly tells the truth”.

The faux-movie poster depicts a raging storm at sea, emblazoned with a ‘starring cast’ of  zero hour contracts, benefit cuts, high prices, and other social ills directly resulting from Conservative policies.

But Mr Burns  has pointed out that the poster completely fails to suggest that everything in the UK is completely brilliant, and instead

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May 19, 2014

Miliband to link increased thinking about minimum wage to increased thinking about average wage

by philapilus

Moments later Ed was hit in the face with a new ‘stealth mode’ custard pie

Ed Miliband has announced that he is “going to think even harder now about the whole minimum wage thing, and really think about linking it to the average wage.”

The Labour leader made the ambitious promise whilst on walkabout in Brighton over the weekend, ahead of his party conference.

“The minimum wage has fallen behind inflation,” said Miliband, “and we propose some really serious propositions, that will involve us committing to – at some point – making some really serious commitments.”

Miliband has said

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March 20, 2014

G4S manages a whole day without fuck-ups

by philapilus

Yay us!

It was announced this morning that on Friday last week, G4S didn’t make a single mistake all day.

The company drew media attention to the anomaly in a bid to shift attention from today’s news that three of its custody employees will face manslaughter charges, over the death of deportee Jimmy Mabenga, while in transit.

G4S has continuously won awards for its utter fuckwittery*, including the coveted ‘being called completely fucking shit by almost every person on the planet’ medal.

But

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March 17, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Belle on the budget

by philapilus

Once again we bring you the daily cartoon syndicated from sister paper the Grauniad! Today satirist Stefan Belle has, with outstanding, impartial insight, cut right to the heart of the budget debate! No wonder they call him “one of the least irrelevant 18th century

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