Archive for ‘Economy’

June 23, 2016

EU Referendum: the final deliberation

by unpseudable
vote remain today

Fair and balanced reporting guaranteed *

As voters go to the polls, TMB asks two average members of the public on opposite sides of the debate to give their considered opinions on the definitely entirely valuable referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union.

 

On the side of Leave is ordinary guy, Guy Ordinary:

“Look, I’m not racist or anything, but every single problem that this country is facing is entirely down to bloody immigrants.

“But that’s not why I’m voting Leave – not the only reason anyway. The main reason – the other main reason – is, right, do you have any idea what we pay to the EU every year? No, neither do I,

March 14, 2016

Osborne: “£4bn is nothing; I spend more on Pringles”

by philapilus
File:GeorgeOsborne2015.jpg

“It’s quite simple: if I take your money away, then the country is richer, which means you are better off”

George Osborne has defended yet further planned cuts to public spending, insisting that “£4bn is a tiny amount. That’s less than I spend a year on crisps. Seriously, I could shit more than that.”

The extra cuts will be announced in the chancellor’s 8th budget this Wednesday, and will be, says the chancellor “so insignificant that anyone who complains is obviously just a moany bum-sniffer.”

Critics have

February 15, 2016

UK delighted as HSBC says it can come off the naughty step

by philapilus

Happily, Selfless Bankers Care

Celebrations spontaneously broke out in the streets today, after HSBC told Britain that it had decided the country had learned its lesson, and so the self-styled gentle giant wouldn’t be leaving after all.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for HSBC, said “As you all know, we very, very seriously thought about moving our headquarters out of the UK after you all stamped your little feet and demanded we be somehow ‘regulated’.

“But – selflessly – we have decided to stay and carry on looking after you. To that end you can

February 11, 2016

Top Gear presenters revealed!

by philapilus

Brrrrm brrrrrm goes fast; make all little boys excited

The full line-up of Top Gear presenters has finally been revealed, and TMB brings you the lowdown on all of them:

John Maynard Keynes: Keynes is a huge fan of governmental intervention within the economy, steerage of which can be best achieved through public expenditure or fiscal policies. He will be mostly based in the studio.

Milton Friedman: by contrast Milton Friedman is the main advocate of monetarism, and preferred deregulation and adherence to the quantitative theory of the money supply. As such he is the chalk to Keynes’ cheese; expect lots of

November 26, 2015

Osborne fails to complete wall on live TV

by philapilus
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/d1/Brick_wall_close-up_view.jpg/320px-Brick_wall_close-up_view.jpg

Presumably the chancellor’s catchphrase about finishing the job doesn’t apply in any concrete way

George Osborne has been criticised after doing a very half-assed bit of bricklaying which was caught by BBC cameras.

Journalists had tracked down the chancellor on a building site, where he spoke about the Spending Review and the economy, whilst working on a wall.

But to the nation’s surprise, after making his statement the chancellor downed his trowel, took off his helmet and hi-vis jacket, and

August 19, 2015

DWP only paying out for fictional claimants

by philapilus

Jesus wept, what a useless bag of smeg

After being caught out using made-up claimants for a benefits sanctions information leaflet, the Department for Work and Pensions has this morning admitted that the vast majority of the  benefits bill is actually being sunk in to non-existent claimants invented by the marketing department.

The DWP secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “I do have to admit this does sort of seem to go against the narrative of ‘benefits cheats bankrupting the country’ that I have spent the last five years banging on about.

“I’m not going to make any

July 8, 2015

‘Grexit’ renamed ‘Greverlasting wrangle’

by philapilus

He might be a bit stubborn, but to be fair he was elected as the leader of Greece; you know, to lead Greece…

As talks over the Greek financial crisis enter their 17th year, the feared departure of Greece from the Euro has been renamed, to reflect the fact that most people now expect the debate to go on interminably.

The chief cause of the neverending dispute appears to lie in the worsening relationship between Greece and her German-led creditors.

Hans Onmycok, Advisor on Financial Wrangles to Angela Merkel, said “Greece needs to know that it is absolutely not OK to have a government that acts according to the democratic will of its people alone. It should be obvious to

June 19, 2015

Government ends austerity due to protest march

by philapilus
george-osborne-trade-mission | by Chingster23

“Just to show how sorry I am, there’ll be one of these stuffed full of cash for everyone”

George Osborne will today officially announce the end of the Conservative austerity programme, after the government learned of an impending demonstration organised by The Peoples Assembly Against Austerity.

Mr Osborne said “We knew that austerity wasn’t popular, but I don’t think any of us realised how unpopular it truly was. I mean, these people are going to actually do a protest march tomorrow. They’re not going to sit around reading the papers and having a late brunch, they’re going to march with their actual feet; that’s how strongly they feel about it.

“I’m just really sorry that

May 18, 2015

Cameron states “NHS pledges are achievable with sofa-cash”

by philapilus

“There’s probably four grand in that one”

David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”

The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.

“Well imagine that for every sofa in every hospital, but then

May 11, 2015

Conservatives introducing ‘complete bastard’ agenda

by philapilus

New policies

David Cameron has announced that his new Conservative majority government will bring in a series of measures “designed to showcase the hideous bastard that lies within our collective soul”.

The prime minister said this morning “I had a great chat with the Queen on Friday, despite the fact we were both massively hungover from all the celebrating.

“I informed Her Majesty that I was going to be scrapping the Human Rights Act, bringing back fox hunting, ratcheting up austerity, clamping down on