Archive for ‘Crime’

April 11, 2016

Tax returns “actually really boring”

by philapilus
File:CKeeler1.jpg

This is not a tax return

In a surprise revelation today it was revealed surprisingly that tax returns are incredibly dull, after Jeremy Corbyn, George Osborne and Boris Johnson followed the prime minister’s example in publishing theirs.

David Cameron published his returns after accusations that he had misled the public over shares he owned in his father’s firm.

Critics described them as unpardonably dull, and “possessed of none of the

April 5, 2016

Iceland PM demoted to shelf-stacking over Panama Papers allegations

by philapilus

They’ll probably pin the takeover of equally dreadful proletariat foodshop Bejams on him too

The Prime Minister of Iceland Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson has resigned after accusations of concealing millions of dollars worth of assets, and has been returned to the shop floor.

A spokesman for Iceland – a store known for its budget frozen foods and cheap and cheerful Christmas ads starring Jason Donovan – said “We haven’t had a crisis like this since Kerry Katona got caught with the magic fairy dust.

“Sigmundur hasn’t just let himself down; he’s let down all the mums who

January 18, 2016

Match-fixing ‘rampant’ in lawn bowls

by philapilus

Particularly nefarious teams often name themselves after vicious street-gangs; pictured here are the ‘Hiccupton Hells Angels’

The world of sport was further rocked by controversy today, after it transpired that amateur bowls is plagued by match-fixing.

The BBC’s revelations of match-fixing in tennis earlier this morning caused front-page outrage, but the story has been knocked off the headline green by the news that the phenomenon is also widespread in the bowls game.

Investigative journalist Samantha Furcup said “You might think bowls is about gentle-looking old folk standing around in their white clothes and carefully

September 30, 2015

North Carolina redefines the concept of age

by unpseudable
Neil Young

You see, it can be confusing *

North Carolina’s legal system has successfully transcended logic with the recent prosecution of two children as adults for exploiting children who were themselves.

Facing up to ten years imprisonment for the possession of revealing selfies, the accused ultimately accepted plea bargains, requiring them to do community service.

Prosecutor, Nick Dobend, expressed his thoughts on the result: “Well, of course I was gunning for a custodial sentence, but we sure did teach them kids a lesson! Oh yeah, I know all those whiny liberals think it must be some kinda big hoax. But they don’t seem to get that these laws are there so that we can prosecute our children.

“Protect or prosecute? Well, one or the other.

July 31, 2015

Walter Palmer “unrepentant” after killing trophy patients

by philapilus

Just say ‘aahhhhAAARRRGGHHHHHNOPLEASENODON’TSHOOT!’

Dentist Walter Palmer has admitted he has “no intention of ceasing to blow the living fuck out of big game animals” after reports that he hunted down and shot several of his patients.

The Minnesota tooth-wrangler shot Zimbabwe’s most famous lion, Cecil, on a hunting trip after the creature was lured out of its reservation.

But, bloodlust unsated, Palmer returned to the States, put on his pith helmet, and went on another big game spree, killing three of his patients, an ice cream vendor, four squirrels, a cat, and a goldfish, using a minigun and several sticks of 

July 28, 2015

Breaking the law “fine if you don’t know you’re doing it” says Boris

by philapilus

He used the same excuse when he murdered those gypsies too

Bungling London mayor Boris Johnson has defended giving his wife a ‘backie’ on his bike, saying that “Breaking the law doesn’t count unless you are fully aware you are doing something illegal.”

After being filmed carrying his wife on the back of his bicycle, Boris was said to be angered that people were accusing him of breaking the law, telling reporters “Bloody ridiculous, how can you break a law if you don’t even know it’s a law?!

“You couldn’t break a, you know, a – a thing for flowers, thing with flowers in, vase, that’s it, vase! You couldn’t break one of those without knowing it was a…hang on. No that’s not the same, is it?

“But you

July 24, 2015

“F***witted morons are my biggest frustration” says Obama

by philapilus

“Seriously, what the fuck am I meant to do with them?”

Barack Obama has said that his biggest frustration as President has been “the fact that so many Americans are fucking morons when it comes to deadly weapons.”

The US president, speaking on the eve of a trip to Africa added that he felt “the impossibility of getting many of these tubby fuckwits to realise that actual guns with actual bullets are responsible for thousands of deaths a year is inordinately depressing.

“They appear to think that guns are actually sort of like a limb, or major organ, without which they couldn’t survive. I have tried to persuade them otherwise, but sometimes it’s tricky to find enough words that they actually understand.”

Having been

July 12, 2015

Gove overturns draconian legislation of previous government (whoever they were)

by philapilus

Don’t take the piss though

Michael Gove has cemented his reputation as a trailblazing social reformer, after reversing legislation restricting the number of books prisoners are allowed – a measure presumably put in place by an as yet unknown scheming malefactor.

The Justice Secretary said “This draconian law is precisely the sort of thing that the Conservative party has always been completely against. I literally cannot imagine what kind of government could have thought this was a good idea.

“Best if we don’t look into it though I reckon. It’s not important who introduced it or when. All that matters is

June 9, 2015

FIFA offering London Mayoralty to most ‘convincing’ bidder

by philapilus

“I’ve got this terrible pain in my head, right here. I hope it’s not the early onset of dementia and regrettable associated amnesia!”

The disgraced FIFA organisation has offered to ‘help secure’ the position of Mayor of London “for whichever of the candidates does the best job of convincing our board of their case.”

Embattled president Sepp Blatter said “By ‘case’ we obviously don’t just mean a case full of cash! No; we’d like to help whoever shows us that they have the whole package. We want to see someone who can really push the brown envelope. Someone willing to put a bit of elbow grease into our han- into the job.”

The offer “to assist in an advisory capacity” in the 2016 mayoral elections, comes after FIFA announced its diversification “into other lucrative markets, you know, in case the football thing doesn’t

May 20, 2015

Prince Charles and Gerry Adams in suspected ‘bodyswap’

by philapilus

“Well now, dis is a bit o’ a gamechanger, so it is”

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about