Archive for ‘Celebrity’

July 17, 2017

Martin Landau surprisingly reanimated

by unpseudable

After being saddened by his death, the world of Hollywood was this week stunned by renowned actor Martin Landau apparently coming back to life.

Landau

Landau earlier today

“It obviously wasn’t the uncommon reanimation that shocked me,” said recently deceased film critic Barry Norman. “I mean, I’ve seen that in literally thousands of films. No, it was more the irony that it was Landau who rose from the grave rather than legendary zombie movie director George Romero.”

Romero, who also sadly passed away this week, stubbornly refused to come back to life. “I just don’t see the point,” he is reported to have said,

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March 21, 2017

Allen highlights oppression of rich white actors

by unpseudable
Tim Allen

Oppressed

Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.

Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.

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December 9, 2016

Len Goodman confirms futility of celebrity existence

by philapilus

“Dance! Dance for me you pointless little mayflies! Your end cannot come soon enough! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman has said he “Really couldn’t give a toss about any of the Z-listers prancing about on stage”, admitting that he doesn’t even know who they are.

Speaking via walkie-talkie from a vantage point above the BBC studios, a rifle-wielding Goodman said “My god, it’s all so ghastly. These flippant, talentless nobodies come through, slapped up with paint and covered in sequins, to dance before you voracious little sofa-toads, like gladiators before an emperor.

“They prance and fall and twist their ankles and

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May 8, 2016

Harry Styles holds aloft scalp of vanquished foe

by philapilus
Harry_Styles_November_2014

yes, but who did he kill?

One Direction band member Harry Styles has posted a photo showing him holding a bundle of hair, attached to which is a blood-dripping human scalp.

The singer’s post has been greeted with a wave of frenzied speculation as, enigmatically, Styles did not indicate from whom the gory keepsake had been taken.

Uberfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “At first we thought Harry might have shorn his own lovely locks and got a bit

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March 19, 2016

Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.

donald_trump_gop

“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

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February 23, 2016

30-somethings shocked after Friends’ cast reunion is crap

by philapilus
File:Friends logo.svg

Yeah, but who gives a fuck anymore?

The TV reunion of most of the cast of Friends (apart from the one who couldn’t be bothered to turn up) was not the best thing ever, admitted disappointed fans today.

Lacking a script, youthful demeanor, a story, and the one actor who was quite funny, the stars sat down and did bugger-all for 2 hours – to everyone’s surprise.

Wendy Nailinthehead, IT drone, said “Me and my girls thought it would be amazing, and that we would all be magically transported back to our early carefree twenties, when we were cool.

“Instead we spent an evening listening to boring anecdotes from

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February 11, 2016

Top Gear presenters revealed!

by philapilus

Brrrrm brrrrrm goes fast; make all little boys excited

The full line-up of Top Gear presenters has finally been revealed, and TMB brings you the lowdown on all of them:

John Maynard Keynes: Keynes is a huge fan of governmental intervention within the economy, steerage of which can be best achieved through public expenditure or fiscal policies. He will be mostly based in the studio.

Milton Friedman: by contrast Milton Friedman is the main advocate of monetarism, and preferred deregulation and adherence to the quantitative theory of the money supply. As such he is the chalk to Keynes’ cheese; expect lots of

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February 3, 2016

Death to have February off

by philapilus

 

Deserved: he has been a very busy boy after all

The Grim reaper has announced that he is going to have a quiet month, having worked extra hard culling some big names in January.

Death said “Having taken down actors Frank Finlay and Alan Rickman, musician David Bowie, and lovable highwayman Terry Wogan – amongst others – I really feel like I’ve earned some time off.

“I am going to spend February on a beautiful island paradise in the Caribbean, letting shoals of little fish nibble at my toebones whilst tanning my skull. It will

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January 14, 2016

Jakarta attacks spoiling focus on Rickman’s death and ’69 club’ speculation

by philapilus

“No one’s saying it’s not sad, but seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?”

The deaths of some Indonesian people are taking up valuable news space which could better be used to lament the late David Bowie and Alan Rickman, say experts.

Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Stuff said today “Analysis of trending news reveals too much attention is being given to some nobodies in Jakarta who you have never heard of.

“What we need to be focussing our attention on, as a civilised, moral country, is whether the deaths of Bowie and Rickman – both at the age of 69 – are proof that the so-called 27 club of dead celebrities is being replaced by a new 69 club of dead celebrities.

“It is

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December 8, 2015

Trump calls for ban on electricity entering the US

by philapilus
File:Donald August 19 (cropped).jpg

Thoughtful: moments after the static left his hair looking like this, Trump hatches his plan for containment and annihilation

Donald Trump has called for a national ban on electricity today, after suffering a ‘static attack’ that completely ruined his carefully coiffured hair.

The Republican presidential hopeful was just entering a revolving door when he received an electric shock, caused by a perfect storm of rubber soles, nylon carpet, and a bloated bag of wind.

Trump immediately called a press conference, launching a tirade against “Un-American electricity that hides in the carpet, or the wall, or the air, and then

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