May 31, 2018
by unpseudable
Inevitable
The zombie apocalypse clock moved yet another minute closer to midnight this week as the US ‘president’ signed a bill to allow terminally ill patients to try experimental drugs.
The move by the bloated imbecile brought hope to the terminally ill and doomsday preppers alike.
“Having been brought up on a steady diet of disaster movies I know just what this means,” responded survivalist and film critic Larry Gorman. “I mean, haven’t they even seen I Am Legend? It had Will Smith in it for fuck’s sake. This is going to be awesome.”
Critic of the move, Prudence Sober, said
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Posted in Health, International, USA |
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July 17, 2017
by unpseudable
After being saddened by his death, the world of Hollywood was this week stunned by renowned actor Martin Landau apparently coming back to life.
Landau earlier today
“It obviously wasn’t the uncommon reanimation that shocked me,” said recently deceased film critic Barry Norman. “I mean, I’ve seen that in literally thousands of films. No, it was more the irony that it was Landau who rose from the grave rather than legendary zombie movie director George Romero.”
Romero, who also sadly passed away this week, stubbornly refused to come back to life. “I just don’t see the point,” he is reported to have said,
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Posted in Arts, Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Film, International, Showbusiness, Society, USA |
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July 12, 2017
by unpseudable
An artist’s representation of Jesus
The Roman Catholic Church this week ruled that gluten-free bread can no longer be used in Mass.
In a letter to bishops, Cardinal Robert Sarah stated that gluten-free bread “just isn’t Jesusy enough, you know? The texture is all different – not like flesh at all, in my experience.”
Sarah (who is obviously a man – this is the Roman Catholic Church), went on to add, “I mean, what’s the point of a metaphor if people don’t stick to it rigidly?
“N-not that it’s a metaphor of course, oh no: Jesus was literally – literally, mind you – made of bread and wine.
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Posted in Health, International, Religion, Society |
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March 21, 2017
by unpseudable
Oppressed
Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.
Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.
“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.
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Posted in Celebrity, Entertainment, History, International, Politics, Showbusiness, USA |
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June 28, 2016
by unpseudable
That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely
Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.
‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.
‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing,
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Posted in Europe, International, Politics, Sport |
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June 23, 2016
by unpseudable
Fair and balanced reporting guaranteed *
As voters go to the polls, TMB asks two average members of the public on opposite sides of the debate to give their considered opinions on the definitely entirely valuable referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union.
On the side of Leave is ordinary guy, Guy Ordinary:
“Look, I’m not racist or anything, but every single problem that this country is facing is entirely down to bloody immigrants.
“But that’s not why I’m voting Leave – not the only reason anyway. The main reason – the other main reason – is, right, do you have any idea what we pay to the EU every year? No, neither do I,
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Posted in Economy, Europe, Immigration, International, Politics, Society, UK |
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June 15, 2016
by unpseudable
In this new feature, TMB’s Complete Arts sheds light on some of cinema’s most vexing vagaries
If only all films could be as clearly marketed as Scary Movie – indeed, a truly chilling film.
Surely Rain Man was going to be a superhero movie, for example; Ring a romantic comedy. Apparently not.
When a film fails to deliver on the promise of its title, the viewer is left floundering in confusion and unfulfilled anticipation.
And so, as a sober warning to our reader, TMB offers a top five of the most disappointingly perplexing films…
- American History X
A powerhouse performance by Edward Norton
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November 23, 2015
by unpseudable
Tom Newton Dunn, Political Editor of The Sun wants to DROWN THIS DOG*
An exclusive TMB poll of current writers for The Sun newspaper has revealed that a shocking 19% would voluntarily drown a dog.
Furthermore, a shocking 38% of respondents said yes they would ‘probably’ or ‘definitely’ burn every tree on the planet.
Ethics guru, Gary Uru responded to these shocking statistics. “These shocking statistics reveal the depth to which those on the payroll of The Sun might hypothetically sink. Well, we always knew that some who wrote for the paper had more in common with the cockroach than you or me,
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Posted in Journalism, Religion, Society, UK |
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October 7, 2015
by unpseudable
Thriving
A study into the area surrounding Chernobyl has found that wildlife is thriving, despite the high levels of radiation. The few reports of monstrously mutated ferocious four-headed beasts are as yet unsubstantiated.
The complete absence of human meddling in the area in the 29 years since the explosion at the nuclear reactor has allowed animals to live happily, unhampered by people.
This surprising flourishing of wildlife has led scientists to conclude that humans themselves, just doing ordinary human things, are even worse for the planet than the hideously destructive things they invent.
Report author Arthur Orton stated, “It’s quite an indictment really isn’t it?
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September 30, 2015
by unpseudable
You see, it can be confusing *
North Carolina’s legal system has successfully transcended logic with the recent prosecution of two children as adults for exploiting children who were themselves.
Facing up to ten years imprisonment for the possession of revealing selfies, the accused ultimately accepted plea bargains, requiring them to do community service.
Prosecutor, Nick Dobend, expressed his thoughts on the result: “Well, of course I was gunning for a custodial sentence, but we sure did teach them kids a lesson! Oh yeah, I know all those whiny liberals think it must be some kinda big hoax. But they don’t seem to get that these laws are there so that we can prosecute our children.
“Protect or prosecute? Well, one or the other.
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Posted in Crime, International, Society, Technology, USA |
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