Author Archive

June 28, 2016

Corbyn blamed for Engxit

by unpseudable
jeremy_corbyn_global_justice_now

That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely

Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.

‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.

‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing,

June 23, 2016

EU Referendum: the final deliberation

by unpseudable
vote remain today

Fair and balanced reporting guaranteed *

As voters go to the polls, TMB asks two average members of the public on opposite sides of the debate to give their considered opinions on the definitely entirely valuable referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union.

 

On the side of Leave is ordinary guy, Guy Ordinary:

“Look, I’m not racist or anything, but every single problem that this country is facing is entirely down to bloody immigrants.

“But that’s not why I’m voting Leave – not the only reason anyway. The main reason – the other main reason – is, right, do you have any idea what we pay to the EU every year? No, neither do I,

June 15, 2016

Complete Arts on film

by unpseudable

In this new feature, TMB’s Complete Arts sheds light on some of cinema’s most vexing vagaries

 

If only all films could be as clearly marketed as Scary Movie – indeed, a truly chilling film.

Surely Rain Man was going to be a superhero movie, for example; Ring a romantic comedy. Apparently not.

When a film fails to deliver on the promise of its title, the viewer is left floundering in confusion and unfulfilled anticipation.

And so, as a sober warning to our reader, TMB offers a top five of the most disappointingly perplexing films…

 

  1. American History X

A powerhouse performance by Edward Norton

November 23, 2015

EXCLUSIVE POLL! 1 in 5 writers for The Sun would DROWN A DOG!

by unpseudable
dog

Tom Newton Dunn, Political Editor of The Sun wants to DROWN THIS DOG*

An exclusive TMB poll of current writers for The Sun newspaper has revealed that a shocking 19% would voluntarily drown a dog.

Furthermore, a shocking 38% of respondents said yes they would ‘probably’ or ‘definitely’ burn every tree on the planet.

Ethics guru, Gary Uru responded to these shocking statistics. “These shocking statistics reveal the depth to which those on the payroll of The Sun might hypothetically sink.  Well, we always knew that some who wrote for the paper had more in common with the cockroach than you or me,

October 7, 2015

People “worse than radiation” report claims

by unpseudable

Thriving

A study into the area surrounding Chernobyl has found that wildlife is thriving, despite the high levels of radiation.  The few reports of monstrously mutated ferocious four-headed beasts are as yet unsubstantiated.

The complete absence of human meddling in the area in the 29 years since the explosion at the nuclear reactor has allowed animals to live happily, unhampered by people.

This surprising flourishing of wildlife has led scientists to conclude that humans themselves, just doing ordinary human things, are even worse for the planet than the hideously destructive things they invent.

Report author Arthur Orton stated, “It’s quite an indictment really isn’t it?  

September 30, 2015

North Carolina redefines the concept of age

by unpseudable
Neil Young

You see, it can be confusing *

North Carolina’s legal system has successfully transcended logic with the recent prosecution of two children as adults for exploiting children who were themselves.

Facing up to ten years imprisonment for the possession of revealing selfies, the accused ultimately accepted plea bargains, requiring them to do community service.

Prosecutor, Nick Dobend, expressed his thoughts on the result: “Well, of course I was gunning for a custodial sentence, but we sure did teach them kids a lesson! Oh yeah, I know all those whiny liberals think it must be some kinda big hoax. But they don’t seem to get that these laws are there so that we can prosecute our children.

“Protect or prosecute? Well, one or the other.

February 19, 2015

Boris to be even more British

by unpseudable

Boris’ inability to whistle the Star-Spangled Banner reveals where his loyalties lie

With the news this week that Boris Johnson plans to approach the US ambassador with the intention of relinquishing his American citizenship, reports are coming in that Matthew Barzun, the ambassador himself, has beaten the capital’s mayor to it.

Barzun yesterday announced that he would contact Johnson personally to fast-track his application.  “I only just heard about this to be honest.  I tend to ignore pretty much everything Boris says as a matter of course, obviously, but eventually an aide brought it to my attention.  Apparently he believes the process to be unnecessarily laborious – that we just don’t make it easy enough.  Well, that won’t do.  I’m going to contact the mayor this very instant and guide him through the business.  We could get rid of- get it resolved by the end of the week.”

Johnson made a statement

April 9, 2014

‘Social experiment’ ‘proves’ ‘no one’ ‘gives a fuck’

by unpseudable

Really, why bother?

A social experiment, or ‘advert’, commissioned by the Pilion Trust has concluded without ‘doubt’ that nobody really gives a fuck about anybody.

The ‘study’ was carried out by research, or ‘advertising’, company Publicis, which had a charity worker, or ‘actor’, carry a sign reading ‘FUCK THE POOR’. A video, posted on Youtube, shows people haranguing him for what they naively thought was ‘an offensive message’.

Then, in an ironic twist, the same man is shown carrying a sign saying ‘HELP THE POOR’, shaking a collection tin. This time nobody approaches him in the whole 15 seconds shown.

March 17, 2014

We’re all going to die

by unpseudable

Well, it was nice while it lasted

It has been confirmed this week that pretty much the whole of humanity should expect horrific and violent death in the almost immediate future.

A scientific study funded by NASA has hypothesised the various ways in which civilisation will almost certainly collapse in the coming decades.  Climate change, societal instability and war – not to mention unparalleled human fuckwittery – are pinpointed as major problems likely to destroy us all.

In the report, applied mathematician Safa Motesharri concludes that, “throughout history, civilisation appears to be on a sustainable path for quite a long time, but the Elites start consuming too much, resulting in famine among the Masses.  Things go a little haywire, and Bob’s your uncle,

March 15, 2014

News Briefs: Seth Rogen fails to be controversial

by unpseudable

The most controversial thing about this man is quite how famous he is

Seth Rogen this week has revealed an uncontroversial list of people he uncontroversially smoked weed with.

Being quizzed about his uncontroversial habit on TV show, Watch What Happens Live, Rogen reeled off a list of people he may or may not have uncontroversially had a toke with.

Furthermore, he went on uncontroversially to confirm his opinion that Justin Bieber is a