Author Archive

March 21, 2017

Investigation into Trump-Russia ties continu-OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!

by philapilus

“What’s he got there in his little handsies? Oh isn’t he adorable!”

After the FBI investigation into alleged connections between Russia and the Trump campaign became public knowledge yesterday, the White House responded “Oh look at that little puppy playing on the lawn! Isn’t he gorgeous??”

The significance of potentially myriad links between Trump’s camp and the USA’s main global rival have been dwarfed by other news, including numerous POTUS tweets about hippogriffs, a crayon drawing Sean Spicer made of a racing car, and the announcement that Trump’s son is to become a father later this year.

Alleged corruption at the highest levels is also unimportant this morning, because Ivanka is going to

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March 12, 2017

White House ‘intruder’ returned to place in Oval Office

by philapilus
640px-white_house_02

President Bannon was in residence but agents say he was perfectly safe throughout

A mentally unstable man who climbed over the perimeter fence of the White House was stopped by agents and then taken back inside, the US Secret Service has said.

The septuagenarian, who agents said was babbling “Like the unholy offspring of a Nazi and an orangutang” was discovered with a backpack and a huge tub of wig-weave gel, wandering the grounds and screaming at his shoes.

Secret Service spokesperson Ann Onymous said “The tubby, strange

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March 9, 2017

My new children’s books, by George Galloway

by philapilus
Untitled

Aaaaaaarr!

As I am sure everyone in the English-speaking world has by now heard, I am humbly offering yet another literary masterpiece of mine to the world’s readers – but this time, the little ones!

Yes, it is true, I will be writing a series of children’s books. Written by me, these books will feature a pirate creation of mine, Red George.

Having considered all the things that might be good for a children’s book, my giant intellect rested upon a

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March 2, 2017

Search continues for bodies of Oscar error accountants

by philapilus

End, Guy, Cinema Strip, Movie, FilmThe search for Brian Cullinan and Martha Ruiz has been stepped up according to the LAPD, with officers now searching landfill and deserted sites in the canyons around Los Angeles.

The Price Waterhouse Cooper accountants who are considered responsible for muddling up the Best Picture envelope at the 2017 Oscars have been missing since Sunday night.

Leading investigator Detective

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February 28, 2017

Trump refuses to accept Connect Four outcome

by philapilus

Witnesses said Trump failed to connect even two

Donald Trump has once again lambasted ‘fake news’ outlets today over reports which suggested he had lost a game of Connect Four to chief strategist Steve Bannon.

Trump tweeted “More FAKE NEWS! I NEVER lose Connect 4! Ignore FAILING NYT & CNN” after journalists from the organisations reported on a friendly match in which Bannon trounced the president.

Trump’s ire was

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February 24, 2017

Corbyn celebrates ‘historic win’ in Copeland

by philapilus

“It is the gulag for any who dispute our resounding success”

Jeremy Corbyn has exhorted subordinates to congratulate him for what he called the “historic victory in the Copeland by-election”, after the Tories took the seat from Labour for the first time in 80 years.

Corbyn said “This is a huge victory for us. Make no mistake, comrades; the Party has never been in better shape! Long live the Party and the Great Drive Forward!

“By allowing the reactionary Tories to

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February 21, 2017

Theresa May visits Lords with baseball bat

by philapilus
theresamay

Theresa ‘Negan’ May

Theresa May made the highly unusual move of sitting in the House of Lords yesterday to observe the debate over the Brexit bill.

According to one Lord, “The prime minister entered the room, cracked her knuckles and then ostentatiously unwrapped a long silk package containing a baseball bat.

“As the

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February 17, 2017

UK ‘united on Brexit’ thanks to Blair

by philapilus
File:Tony Blair 2.jpg

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

Tony Blair has managed singlehandedly to unite Britain and heal the wounds brought about by the Brexit debacle.

Blair’s exhortations to the British people to rise up against Brexit managed to convince everybody that what the country really needed to do was exactly the opposite of whatever it was told to do by an egomaniac with a Messiah complex.

Tim Twanks, Remain campaigner, said “I was

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February 17, 2017

Charles Manson ‘considering national security advisor role’

by philapilus
File:Manson-June-2011.jpg

Manson with his CV

A spokesperson for Charles Manson has confirmed that the 82 year old is considering Donald Trump’s offer to replace Michael Flynn as national security advisor.

Trump fired Mr Flynn on Monday, after it transpired that the White House was not

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February 15, 2017

Nuttall defends ‘died at Hillsborough’ claim

by philapilus
File:Paulnuttall.jpg

Nuttall also died during the Falklands war, and was sitting next to Diana in the car crash that claimed both their lives

Paul Nuttall, the man who is running Ukip while Nigel Farage is towelling off Donald Trump, has hit back at critics who say he did not in fact die during the Hillsborough stadium disaster.

Speaking at a carboot sale this morning, Mr Nuttall said “These so-called fact-checkers are trying to tell me that I didn’t die during what might have

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