Author Archive

April 21, 2017

Brenda from Bristol demands capital punishment and expulsion of all immigrants

by philapilus
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“The only thing that makes me happy is sitting outside food banks and laughing at the poor”

A BBC news clip of a Bristolian woman launching into a bigoted tirade has gone viral today, with hundreds of thousands of repostings on social media.

Around 2 million people are thought to have watched ‘Brenda from Bristol’ demand that “Mrs May take back Britain from the coloureds and their ilk, and go back to hanging those evil bastards who do graffiti and littering and loitering”.

Brenda also called for extremely high taxation for anyone

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April 19, 2017

US armada lost at sea

by philapilus
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“F*ck knows where they’re going, but they do look cool when they’re in formation don’t they?”

The US Navy has confirmed that the Carl Vinson strike group “could be pretty much anywhere”.

A spokesperson said “Look, when we said we were sending warships to North Korea we were expressing a sort of passing notion, not actual military tactics.

“It was more of a vague

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April 19, 2017

Vote tory or I’ll end you, by Theresa May

by philapilus
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Unlike Labour, I’m going to MEAN to do it when I ruin everything for everyone

As you will all have heard by now, I have called a snap election for next month.

I know you all thought I’d been saying for weeks there was no way I would do it, despite my slim majority, because it would cause national uncertainty. But you’re misremembering. Stop it.

The plain fact is that

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April 19, 2017

I guess you could vote Labour? by Jeremy Corbyn

by philapilus
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About twenty per cent less up for this than he looks

Hi everyone, Jeremy here, with some advice for the very exciting upcoming general election – a snap election which is bound to cement my position as Labour leader!

My message is simple and sincere, and it’s this: you won’t necessarily be wasting your vote if you vote for Labour (although I should point out that

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April 6, 2017

Theresa May: no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no ‘no-go areas’

by philapilus
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Philip Hammond will be joining Mrs May for the live performances. It won’t look like this.

Theresa May says she is fulfilling her long-standing ambition to break into the dance charts, after this morning’s surprise release of a version of 2 Unlimited’s ‘No Limits’.

Mrs May’s spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “It was a brilliant bit of showpersonship actually. The PM was speaking to party activists in Nottinghamshire and she told them there are no ‘no go’ areas for the tories in coming local elections.

“She fixed them with a stare and repeated ‘no no-go’. Then she said ‘No no. No no no no. No no no no…’ and as she spoke the music faded up, and she suddenly ripped off

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March 29, 2017

Brexit letter lost in post

by philapilus

On signing the letter Mrs May said “It’s all downhill from here! No, that doesn’t sound right, I mean; it’s all uphill from here! Er…hang on…is it just me or is there no way to make this sound good?”

The government has confirmed that the letter Theresa May wrote to Donald Tusk – invoking article 50 and triggering Brexit – has been lost in the post.

A number 10 spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Mrs May wrote the historic letter, historically signed it, and in a true history-making moment, historically put it in the letterbox.

“She wanted to

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March 21, 2017

Investigation into Trump-Russia ties continu-OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!

by philapilus

“What’s he got there in his little handsies? Oh isn’t he adorable!”

After the FBI investigation into alleged connections between Russia and the Trump campaign became public knowledge yesterday, the White House responded “Oh look at that little puppy playing on the lawn! Isn’t he gorgeous??”

The significance of potentially myriad links between Trump’s camp and the USA’s main global rival have been dwarfed by other news, including numerous POTUS tweets about hippogriffs, a crayon drawing Sean Spicer made of a racing car, and the announcement that Trump’s son is to become a father later this year.

Alleged corruption at the highest levels is also unimportant this morning, because Ivanka is going to

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March 12, 2017

White House ‘intruder’ returned to place in Oval Office

by philapilus
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President Bannon was in residence but agents say he was perfectly safe throughout

A mentally unstable man who climbed over the perimeter fence of the White House was stopped by agents and then taken back inside, the US Secret Service has said.

The septuagenarian, who agents said was babbling “Like the unholy offspring of a Nazi and an orangutang” was discovered with a backpack and a huge tub of wig-weave gel, wandering the grounds and screaming at his shoes.

Secret Service spokesperson Ann Onymous said “The tubby, strange

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March 9, 2017

My new children’s books, by George Galloway

by philapilus
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Aaaaaaarr!

As I am sure everyone in the English-speaking world has by now heard, I am humbly offering yet another literary masterpiece of mine to the world’s readers – but this time, the little ones!

Yes, it is true, I will be writing a series of children’s books. Written by me, these books will feature a pirate creation of mine, Red George.

Having considered all the things that might be good for a children’s book, my giant intellect rested upon a

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March 2, 2017

Search continues for bodies of Oscar error accountants

by philapilus

End, Guy, Cinema Strip, Movie, FilmThe search for Brian Cullinan and Martha Ruiz has been stepped up according to the LAPD, with officers now searching landfill and deserted sites in the canyons around Los Angeles.

The Price Waterhouse Cooper accountants who are considered responsible for muddling up the Best Picture envelope at the 2017 Oscars have been missing since Sunday night.

Leading investigator Detective

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