Author Archive

October 27, 2016

Bake Off finale returns UK to misery of normal existence

by philapilus

Like Tantalus this was dangled before you, only to recede as you reached out for it.

As the last ever BBC series of the Great British Bake Off finished with triumph for Candice, the country was returned to the unadulterated horror that is our daily existence.

Superfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “For a few brief moments each Wednesday evening, I managed to escape the monotony of life in this drab, grey country of tory overlords and

October 27, 2016

Russia: ‘Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough ‘

by philapilus

Like a giant floating phallus

The Russian warships currently en route to flatten Syria have definitively proven how hard the country is, it has been revealed.

Russia’s deployment of a fleet is just the latest in a series of bold antagonistic moves, all of which have combined to make everyone think that Russia is really cool, muscly, and

October 19, 2016

Onesies to blame for everything

by philapilus

Experts confirmed today that the majority of global disasters and crises are directly caused by the rise of the onesie.

Specialists from the Slough School of Catastrophe spent ten years running trillions of computer simulations on disaster-causation, and discovered that the single common denominator is the awful garment.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, who headed up the study, said “The unitary body outfit was invented for

October 9, 2016

Trump vows to grab Clinton by the p***y

by philapilus

Outspoken Republican candidate Donald Trump has promised supporters that he will not be quitting the presidential race, vowing to “Grab Hilary by the p***y and show her who’s boss” in Sunday night’s debate.

Speaking to fans at a ‘Touch Donald’s hair’ rally, Mr Trump said

September 26, 2016

Corbyn faces new leadership challenge

by philapilus

Smith called for unity. Moments later his nose grew by more than 17 inches

Jeremy Corbyn has been told by a large majority of Labour mps that he has lost the confidence of his party and must face a leadership challenge. Again.

On Monday morning, and less than 48 hours after beating off challenger Owen Smith to win the leadership of the party democratically for a second time, Corbyn was informed by 75% of labour MPs that he must stand aside or fight a bitter election. Again.

Former challenger Angela Eagle, who is

September 18, 2016

Kinnock: Corbyn worst disaster for Labour since me

by philapilus

‘What an obnoxious arse Corbyn is – just like me’

Neil Kinnock has warned that if the Labour party re-elects Jeremy Corbyn as leader it will face its biggest crisis since he threw away the 1992 general election.

Speaking to BBC’s Panorama, Lord Kinnock said “Corbyn is not someone who can win a general election, and he will be a disaster for this party.

“And speaking as someone who failed to win a general election and was a disaster for this party, I know what I am talking about.”

Kinnock is

September 12, 2016

Gravely ill Clinton “still preferable”

by philapilus
File:Hillary Clinton Testimony to House Select Committee on Benghazi.png

Embalmed and stuffed: but still better

Medical experts said today that even if Hillary Clinton was very ill indeed she would still make a better president than Donald Trump.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Washington school for Overanalysing Presidential Candidate Health, said “We’ve been running multiple computer simulations of how a sick Hillary Clinton might fare in office, ever since it emerged yesterday that she has pneumonia.

“Using complicated algorithms we’ve examined every possibility of every health issue Secretary Clinton could potentially

September 7, 2016

Walls are answer to everything, agrees everyone

by philapilus

Is there anything walls can’t do?!

Everybody said this morning that walls are just brilliant, and offer by far the best solution to any problem.

The consensus was reached after the UK announced it would be building a wall to keep migrants away from the main road to the port of Calais to protect haulage lorries from aggressive boarders.

Geoff Shovel, Chief Engineer of the Calais Wall said “Walls are the clear choice for

September 1, 2016

Trump to rid US of people within 1 hour

by philapilus

“And you’re going, and you, and you, and you, and you there next to her, and you, and definitely you with the dark face, and you, and…”

Republican candidate Donald Trump has vowed to empty the United States of its entire population within his first sixty minutes as president if he is elected.

The strange-haired, rotund demagogue had earlier in the week visited Mexico, where strangely he failed to do his normal shouty anti-Mexican thing.

Hours later however he was in Arizona thrilling crowds with a speech about his much-publicised border wall with Mexico, and promising to deport

September 1, 2016

Cyclist causes gridlock by indicating

by philapilus

This was the last time anyone used the signal for stopping

A cyclist has caused enormous traffic jams throughout central London after making a hand signal before turning left.

The anonymous cyclist raised his left hand and pointed left just before turning left off Aldwych onto Kingsway – the first recorded time the gesture has been used since 1972.

The driver following him was so shocked that he stalled the car, as did the