Author Archive

April 25, 2018

Macron pretends not to notice tyreswings and smell of faeces in White House

by philapilus

 

“No need to be afraid, that’s just the sun! See? The sun. SUN. Can you say sun? Nearly! Good try!”

President Macron has made a valiant effort to avoid embarrassing the American people by pretending not to have noticed that the current White House squatter is a shrieking baboon.

 

At a news conference today the French president stoically acted the part of a man doing politics with another world leader – rather than that of horrified witness to the rank den which the violently aggressive primate has made inside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Macron said “We have been having

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March 22, 2018

Putin wins 2024 presidential election

by philapilus

“Do something about it then…”

Russian premier Vladimir Putin was celebrating today after achieving victory in the next (and as yet unstarted) presidential election cycle.

Putin’s win has been described as “decisive” and “conclusive”, with a record-breaking 103% of the vote, according to the

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February 6, 2018

Donald Trump stoically shoulders blame for stock market turbulence

by philapilus
Image result for donald trump

Trump arriving on his space hopper

In a typical display of great statesmanship, Donald Trump has told America that he will personally accept all responsibility for the huge losses the US stock market has seen over the last two days.

Trump said “Remember when stocks were riding high and the economy was doing really

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January 26, 2018

David Davis’s Brexit Update

by philapilus

 

Hi everyone!

 

It’s David Davis here, back with some great news about the Brexit plans!

Now, I know some of you will have been confused by Philip Hammond’s recent comments, about how our relationship with Europe will be more or less the same – but let me assure all those of you who so rightly  voted Leave that this is NOT the case!

I have made sure Michel Barnier is

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January 22, 2018

Farage considering donning the Nigelsuit one last time

by philapilus

“Quick! Hold him down and inject the sedatives straight into his neck!”

Nigel Farage has reopened the Faragecave, and is dusting off the Nigelsuit, according to sources close to the UKIP MEP.

UKIP went into a nosedive this morning, after leader Henry Bolton’s refusal to resign over texts his horrible racist ex sent, leading party stalwart Neil Hamilton to fire up the Nigelsymbol from atop a Wetherspoons pub.

Although the

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January 18, 2018

£44m for Calais ‘fair and reasonable’ says Daily Mail

by philapilus

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden” was the headline the Mail ran with

The Daily Mail has expressed its support for the UK’s decision to accept more migrants from Calais and give the city £44m to beef up border controls.

In a comment-piece this morning, usually cantankerous thought-spewer Richard Littlejohn said “This seems eminently fair. Why shouldn’t we help those wanting to benefit from being a part of our country, when they

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January 17, 2018

Hunt ‘delighted’ nurses leaving NHS as social care numbers will increase

by philapilus

‘Hunt’ has now replaced the c-word as a term of abuse, and ‘you total Hunt’ is second only in its offensiveness to calling someone a ‘massive Gove’

Jeremy Hunt has said that he is “absolutely thrilled” that nurses are leaving the NHS in record numbers, as it means “that more and more unemployed, depressed ex-nurses will have to rely on social care.”

Hunt’s new brief, after Theresa May’s cabinet reshuffle, was expanded to include Social Care, and it is understood from sources in government that “Mr Hunt had grown bored of destroying the NHS and

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January 17, 2018

Trump’s cognitive ability ‘normal’, says man whose job depends on pleasing him

by philapilus

Got the same score as Trump

A military doctor working for Trump’s White House and within the military of which Donald Trump is Commander-in-Chief has made the completely independent decision to announce that Trump is cognitively normal.

Rear admiral and Physician to the President Dr Ronny Jackson told reporters “It just so happens that the man upon whom my job depends is not, as so many of you suspect, a raging maniac with the self-awareness of a peanut and the reasoning capacity of a cow being electrocuted.

“Rather he

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January 15, 2018

Trump proves he isn’t a racist by saying that he isn’t

by philapilus

“Does this face look racist? Let me tell you, this face is not racist, this is not a racist face. I wouldn’t lie, trust me. How could I be lying – I’m white!”

Orange sociopath Donald Trump has silenced critics and proved his non-racist credentials once and for all, after explaining to reporters that whatever he says is absolutely fine as long as he tells you it is.

The White House squatter was under fire for allegedly referring to poorer countries as ‘shitholes’ during a meeting with senior republicans and democrats, but the Trump camp claims such fake news has now successfully been dispelled by “the expert and statesmanlike subsequent emission of flatulence from Donald’s mouth.”

Using his preferred

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January 15, 2018

Capsizing of Carillion is clinching argument for privatisation, say tories

by philapilus

HS2 will definitely still be awesome, according to No. 10 

Theresa May’s cabinet have roundly applauded the vindication of the capitalist system, after an enormous private firm supposed to manage billions of pounds worth of government contracts collapsed.

The compulsory liquidation of Carillon in the early hours of this morning – threatening the completion of massive government projects as well as tens of thousands of jobs – has been hailed as

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