Author Archive

August 16, 2017

Trump’s u-turn on earlier u-turn leaves him with head lodged in rectum

by philapilus
File:Donald Trump Signs The Pledge 11 crop.jpg

A grateful world revels in temporarily not having to look at this face

Donald Trump’s political gyrations have caused his own massive unsightly head to become lodged in his rectal passage, the White House has confirmed.

The rambling old man came under fire for failing to condemn Nazis and white supremacists during the riots in Charlottesville at the weekend, insisting that many sides were

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August 7, 2017

Australia “designed to kill you” confirm scientists

by philapilus
File:Acacia pycnantha Golden Wattle.jpg

The lovely golden wattle is the floral emblem of Australia, and spits a burning acid at passersby that has been described as ‘worse than napalm’ 

Biologists agreed this morning that Australia’s entire ecosystem has evolved to destroy any human who dares set foot there.

Confirmation came after a Melbourne teenager went for a dip in the sea on Saturday and came out with profusely bleeding legs, after being

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July 31, 2017

C4 Diana doc: Middle England equally desperate to watch and vent outrage at broadcast

by philapilus
File:Princess Diana Cannes.jpg

“It DISGUSTS me that other people want to know the kind of squalid details about her life that I would chew my own leg off to discover.”

The sizeable proportion of the British public that buys the Daily Express has announced that it simply cannot wait to watch Channel 4’s ‘Diana: In Her Own Words’ so that it can subsequently eviscerate the station for showing it.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who has spent the last twenty years making thousands of pictures of the late princess out of dried lentils, said “I will probably be

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July 9, 2017

Trump: time to work for – I mean with Russia

by philapilus
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‘I’m channeling you, oh great master Vladi”

Donald Trump made another unforced error this weekend after accidentally revealing “a firm belief that it is time to work for Russia.”

Trump made the comment after having met Russian president Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit, a meeting described by Trump as “an honour”, and by the Russians as “incredibly amusing”.

After accidentally revealing

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July 4, 2017

Ed Sheeran: I do it for Twitterlove, not money

by philapilus

Ed Sheeran, the singer-songwriter who both your mum and dad really like, said today that the literally enormous amounts of cash he has accrued mean nothing at all if he has to put up with people being rude on Twitter.

Ed_Sheeran_(8508821340)

Your applause means nothing if it isn’t written in less than 140 characters

“Sure, I’m rich and incredibly adored by legions of children and middle aged people around the world,” said Sheeran, “but every time some troll on Twitter

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June 20, 2017

Theresa May almost successfully bakes potato

by philapilus

Nailed it, sort of

In news guaranteed to encourage Theresa May’s supporters Number 10 announced this morning that the prime minister baked “a nearly palatable potato for dinner last night.”

Percy Spoke, May’s spokesperson, said “OK so things haven’t been amazing recently. There was the whole election thing, the miscalculation on handling the Grenfell Tower fire, and

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June 6, 2017

Trump threat to Khan: ‘I could destroy London’

by philapilus

The tiny-handed little scrotumface dictating his tweet to someone with large enough digits to work a phone

The Twitter spat between London Mayor Sadiq Khan and orange blob Donald Trump escalated dramatically this morning, after the latter tweeted ‘Khan should watch out; I could destroy London. Nuke it. No problem. And will if he doesn’t start respecting me. #watchoutlondon.’

In the aftermath of terrorist attacks on London at the weekend Mr Khan had reassured Londoners that subsequent increased police presence was nothing to worry about.

Trump however mistook this to mean that the

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June 1, 2017

Election: May misses leader debate to heal the sick and minister to the needy

by philapilus
File:Theresa May MP.JPG

“Scared? Don’t make me laugh!” said May from several hundred miles away

Theresa May announced this morning that her decision not to attend last night’s televised debate between party leaders was “absolutely not down to abject terror” and was purely because she was “busy ministering to the sick and needy”.

May said that she didn’t have time to waste on unimportant matters like being accountable to the country on live TV, or answering questions that people really want the answers to before they vote on who will run the country.

“That would have been

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May 22, 2017

Glowing telepathic orb ‘traumatised’ after touch of Trump

by philapilus
Solar Background

‘The horror…the…horror…’

A glowing orb designed to read the minds of all who touch it has said it will never work again after being handled by Donald Trump yesterday.

Trump – along with Saudi King Salman and the Egyptian president Abdul Fattah al-Sisi – decided to have their profoundest secrets and thoughts exposed to 

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May 4, 2017

Macron and Le Pen have ‘night of passion’

by philapilus
File:Macron & Le Pen.jpg

Animals

It has been revealed that French presidential candidates Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron retired to a hotel after their stormy TV debate last night, where they gave in to their obvious attraction and had relentless intercourse.

News that the pair had left the debate together and checked into a nearby hotel was corroborated by

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