Author Archive

March 25, 2018

TMB EXCLUSIVE: Leaked memo following John Bolton’s appointment in the Trump administration

by articulatedsheep

With news having emerged in the last week that charmingly-described “ultra-hawk” John Bolton is to be appointed as President Trump’s National Security Adviser, TMB reveals this incredibly – and in no way made-up – memo from senior Department of Defense individuals revealing the likely interventions that Bolton is likely to make as he pursues his long held belief that the USA should indiscriminately attack any and all other countries.

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January 27, 2018

TMB’s guide to the Tory leadership election

by articulatedsheep

We now know that definitely – definitely! – Theresa May is about to be subject to an imminent challenge to her leadership. Quite apart from anything else it would be ridiculous – ridiculous! – if she were to stumble on, hopelessly, messily, chaotically, for another four and a half horrifically drawn out years.

Obviously, that would be absurd. She is about to be subjected to a leadership challenge. Let’s believe that, for a few beautiful hours. Let’s not sully that hope. Please.

So, what does the leadership process involve? Like all the finest traditions of the British Constitution, it hinges on a committee chaired by a man called Graham who no-one has heard of. The 1922 Committee of backbench Tory MPs – so-called, because it is the year to which the majority of Tories yearn to return – plays a pivotal role. MPs wishing to challenge May’s leadership can do so by submitting a letter to the Committee’s Chair (who are we kidding – Chairman). But what happens then?

Here are the key principles.

1) 48 MPs must deposit letters (anonymously) with Graham Brady MP, Chair of the 1922 Committee, to automatically trigger a leadership contest;
2) MPs can “withdraw” their letter at any time *unless* Brady shouts “NO TAKEBACKS!” at the precise point when the letter is originally handed to him;
3) The deposited letter is null and void if MP in question is crossing their fingers behind their back while giving the letter to Brady;
4) Letters must be written on vellum and in classical Greek;
5) Brady can at any time “dare” an MP to rescind their anonymity, which will give the MP in question the option of “double dare”ing Brady himself to reveal the identity of another letter writer. Brady can accept the double dare (thereby commencing the “dare” process with that other MP) or submit to a “physical challenge” specified by the original MP. This can lead to an unstoppable cascade of dares and double dares, which last happened in the 1990 leadership contest which led to Margaret Thatcher’s departure;
6) The letter can be accompanied by a freehand drawing of the person the writer most wants to be Tory leader. If so the letter counts double, but if the drawing is deemed by Brady to be worse than one he could draw himself, the letter will only count half;
7) Proceedings can be immediately and unexpectedly terminated if Sir Christopher Chope MP shouts “NO!” in a very loud voice, at which point Brady must declare that the entire process up until that point has been a dream.



April 15, 2016

Exclusive: Chilcot report expected to pin blame for Iraq war on “international jewel thief, Douglas Vanderbildt”

by articulatedsheep

Excerpts from the long-awaited Chilcot Report, leaked exclusively to TMB this evening, reveal the prime culprit of the Iraq War – believed to have contributed to the death of almost half a million Iraqis, as the country slid into chaos following the US-led invasion of 2003 – to be none other than international jewel thief Douglas Vanderbildt.

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April 7, 2016

Trump continues to reel following “handgate” allegations

by articulatedsheep

Donald Trump’s nomination hopes have taken a significant hit after a poor showing in Wisconsin, attributed in no small measure to the continued fallout from the so-called “handgate” allegations. In this column, we set out the background to these allegations – and why it is that they have placed a significant obstacle on the red-faced wankstain’s aspirations for the White House.


Trump: “engorged”

For months, Trump’s opponents in both the Republican and Democratic Parties had struggled to lay a blow on the property mogul. Suggestions of inconsistency, policy flip-flopping, rabble-rousing and a simple lack of competence seemed to have made no impression on primary voters.

All that changed when reports began to circulate a few weeks ago that Trump has unnaturally tiny, weak hands.

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April 7, 2016

The Prime Minister’s statement on his father’s tax avoidance

by articulatedsheep

This evening, it has emerged that the Prime Minister personally profited from an investment vehicle that his father, Ian, established to manage his cash in the Bahamas. Mr. Cameron has published a statement which we publish in full below. In doing so, we would like to make the caveat that what follows is entirely made up.

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April 3, 2016

US election – the other GOP candidates

by articulatedsheep

Such has been the relentless focus of the national and international media on Donald Trump, it is easy to forget that there are still two other Republican hopefuls in the race. As the prospect of a brokered convention grows greater, both are vying to be seen to party bigwigs that they can be the best compromise candidate. However, given that Trump is likely to go it alone as an independent if he fails to win the nomination, the personal character and political capital that these two men can command will be critical if the party hopes to hold its own when the nation votes in November. Who, then, are these men – Ted Cruz and John Kasich?

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March 19, 2016

Labour plans weeklong campaign on the abolition of the Agricultural Wages Board

by articulatedsheep

Labour communications supremo Seumas Milne was reportedly “putting the finishing touches” to the party’s “week of action” on the abolition of the body that regulated wages for those in the agricultural sector, in the runup to Easter.

In a move likely to surprise commentators who might have expected the party to capitalise on the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith and open warfare in the Cabinet over Europe and cuts and disability benefits, Milne reportedly considers that there is “more long term traction” in a detailed dissection of the Government’s policies relating to the rural economy.

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March 19, 2016

Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.


“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

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December 9, 2015

The TMB rundown of top festive book buys

by articulatedsheep

What better gift to give during the season of goodwill than the gift of knowledge? If you’re the kind of insufferable arsehole who gives people books for Christmas, the publishing industry (such as it is) will be happy to take large amounts of money off you – but what are the most mediocre tomes available in Waterstone’s, or sitting haphazardly on a shelf in WH Smith next to a chiller cabinet inexplicably full of copies of the Daily Telegraph?

Here’s a list.

Timecop, Harper Lee. Lee’s long-anticipated third book, rather than a continuation of the world so vividly realised in ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and ‘Go Set a Watchman’, is a novelisation of the 1994 Jean Claude van Damme action film Timecop. Critics are already eagerly anticipating her follow-up, a novelisation of the Steven Seagal film Under Siege 2.

Time to Die, Rodney Bewes. Is life an unremitting, bleak and meaningless charade? Would it just be better to end it all, and embrace the all-consuming, peaceful embrace of death? Star of hit BBCtv series ‘The Likely Lads’ and ‘Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads’, Rodney Bewes, takes readers step-by-step through some of the most popular methods of suicide – from old standards like hanging, to more modern and ironic ways of taking your own life, like leaping from the roof of the Dignitas clinic in Zurich. The ideal gift for a stubbornly alive and wealthy but elderly relative, or a despised older sibling.

A Very Bravo Two Zero Christmas, Andy McNab. ‘I grimaced. The SA80 was a decent squaddie’s weapon – fairly tasty in a close quarters firefight – and god knows it had got me out of a few jams. But on a long distance shot like this, and without a proper sight, I was going to need a steady hand to take Father Christmas out. I squinted, squeezed the trigger, and watched with grim satisfaction as a puff of red, matching the big man’s coat, blew out of the back of Saint Nick’s head, just before he crumpled to the ground’.

The Big Book of Suppurating Wounds. One of a number of coffee table books doing the rounds this season, this compilation of 117 pin-sharp, blown-up pictures of oozing, pus-filled wounds on all parts of the human body is a must for flicking through after Christmas lunch.

Find Out What Happened When These 28 French Huguenots Fled Their Homeland Following the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes… Number 14 Will Blow Your Mind!, David S. Katz. BuzzFeed’s ill-advised foray into the world of academic history.

My Story, Bruce Forsyth. Brucie’s latest autobiography lifts the lid on his years of Strictly, his life at the BBC during the golden years of light entertainment in the 1970s, and his time as a brutal enforcer for the Richardson gang in early 1960s Soho.

Will This Do?, some twenty-three year old you’ve never heard of. Inexplicable book apparently written by a young man who regularly tops seven million views on YouTube for videos featuring him playing Fallout 4 and having rambling, disjointed conversations with his friends. Will make you despair for humanity, and confirm that you have finally left your youth behind as you realise you have no common cultural frame of reference with anyone under the age of thirty.

December 3, 2015

Christmas album releases in full

by articulatedsheep

“It’s Christmaaaas!”, to quote the deathless words of Noddy Holder.

Nothing more embodies the spirit of the season than the Christmas cash-in single – or, indeed, album. While the singles spot will be a tussle between [insert name of X-Factor winner’s insipid cover version] and Adele, the contest for number 1 album is likely to be a more open affair. Here are some of the key runners and riders.

A$$FUKKA Volume 1 (Cliff Richard): something of a musical departure for the septuagenarian crooner, this album merges Cliff’s classic style with a squelchy mix of UKG and grime.

Carole King Sings Carols from Kings (Carole King): self-explanatory.

Anton Reads The Bible (Anton du Beke): the ever-popular Strictly professional dancer reads the entire King James Bible in this unexpurgated 142-disc set.

Howls of Despair (Rodney Bewes): the former star of TV sitcoms “The Likely Lads” and “Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads” presents 115 minutes of him screaming in anguish at the futility and meaninglessness of his pitiful existence – the ideal accompaniment to Christmas lunch!

Christmas Sound Effects No. 14 (KPM): crank up the speakers and relive the quality of this fully remastered version of Britain’s top selling sound effects album of 1974. Includes the ever-popular “Snow Crunching Underfoot”, “Christmas Morning Church Bells”, “Sizzling Pigs in Blankets” and “Crackling Open Log Fire”, which if turned up loud enough will drown out the sounds of your own dysfunctional, tense and miserable Christmas Day.

Minstrel (Peter Andre): spend the Yuletide season with Peter Andre, as he entertains with this classic compilation of old-time songs from black-and-white minstrel shows. Throughout the album, he’s joined on vocals by his children, ON ACCOUNT OF HIM BEING A REALLY, REALLY GREAT DAD NO SHUT UP HE IS.

I Love You Babe (Baby) (Babe) (Amendment) (England) Regulations 2015 (Zayn Malik): this is a joke about the frequent use of parentheses in both poor quality, sleazy songs by male solo performers, and in the titles of UK statutory instruments – the fact that this needs to be explained suggests that it is both enormously obscure, and not especially amusing, for which our apologies.

Beethoven: Bagatelles Op 33, 119 and 126 (Alfred Brendel ft Jess Glynn)

Now That’s What I Call Christmas! Plainsong (Various Artists, The Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos): some all-time Christmas classic pop songs – Mariah, Wizzard, Slade and many others – translated into church Latin and rendered into Gregorian plainsong. Fantastic to accompany a Christmas Eve party.