Global catastrophe imminent as someone signs something

by unpseudable
zombies

Inevitable

The zombie apocalypse clock moved yet another minute closer to midnight this week as the US ‘president’ signed a bill to allow terminally ill patients to try experimental drugs.

The move by the bloated imbecile brought hope to the terminally ill and doomsday preppers alike.

“Having been brought up on a steady diet of disaster movies I know just what this means,” responded survivalist and film critic Larry Gorman. “I mean, haven’t they even seen I Am Legend? It had Will Smith in it for fuck’s sake. This is going to be awesome.”

Critic of the move, Prudence Sober, said “Of course, pharmaceutical companies will have the last say on who gets these drugs. We shouldn’t imagine they won’t ultimately be the biggest winners from this. And cutting the FDA out of the equation could be unwise. I mean, haven’t they even seen I Am Legend? It had Will Smith in it for fuck’s sake.”

Meanwhile, still others tried to cling to a grain of hope in an increasingly pointless global geopolitical situation by pondering whether this whole move might just be the result of someone ‘important’ finding out that they were terminally ill.

“Probably not,” said terminal pessimist Harry Somber. “Probably not.”

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Pedants note: Ok, so the creatures in I Am Legend are supposedly more vampiric than zombies, but you get the point.

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Pedants’ note: Should that first ‘Pedants’ have had an apostrophe at the end? We’ll let you decide.

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