TMB EXCLUSIVE: Leaked memo following John Bolton’s appointment in the Trump administration

by articulatedsheep

With news having emerged in the last week that charmingly-described “ultra-hawk” John Bolton is to be appointed as President Trump’s National Security Adviser, TMB reveals this incredibly – and in no way made-up – memo from senior Department of Defense individuals revealing the likely interventions that Bolton is likely to make as he pursues his long held belief that the USA should indiscriminately attack any and all other countries.

 

STATUS: HAMMERHEAD – EYES ONLY

FROM: OPSEC, JOINT CHIEFS

TO: PENTSEC, WHITE HOUSE OPS

 

Lieutenant Colonel,

The Joint Chiefs have authorized me to share with you a draft of new standard operating protocols (SOP) for adoption in preparation of the appointment of the new National Security Adviser, Mr. John Bolton (hereafter “JB”).

As you will know JB held a prominent role in the Bush 43 Administrations. Soon after this appointment is became clear that effective prosecution of any Administration security or defense business that involved JB would require the adoption of a management protocol, to minimise the risk of disruption to wider DoD and, specifically, Pentagon, assets.

The opportunity has now been taken to update this protocol. We have been assisted in doing so by embedded personnel in the American Enterprise Institute. The codename OPTIGAN-GAMMA has been provisionally assigned. (ALPHA and BETA iterations dating from 2001 and 2004 respectively).

Please note that this memo and all information relating to OPTIGAN protocols is classified HAMMERHEAD – EYES ONLY.

PROTOCOL OPTIGAN (GAMMA ITERATION)

Overall: minimising disruption caused by JB before, during and after meetings of the Joint Chiefs and other mission-critical NS-classified meetings, briefings and events

OPTIGAN presents a summary of various OPTIGAN-class events which have merited management action, alongside a summary of that action. To date, listed management action has been successful in negating the described behavior but HAMMERHEAD personnel must familiarise themselves with the entirety of this protocol. Protocol OPTIGAN-AMBER has been drafted to provide for additions or amendments to this Protocol OPTIGAN.

OPTIGAN-ALPHA: JB lunges madly at any other individual in the briefing room who also sports facial hair, screaming that it “dishonors my magnificent moustache”. JB seeks to remove facial hair he deems offensive with his teeth, adopting a wild, unfocused biting strategy which was wholly ineffective, but which was nevertheless disruptive. ACTION: all personnel to be clean shaven at all times.

OPTIGAN-BETA: JB greets personnel by drawing close to them and whispering the words “Hail Hydra” into their ear. Although first assumed to be an attempt at humor, it becomes apparent that JB believes that Hydra, the organization featured in the movies of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, is in fact real, and he wishes to demonstrate his loyalty to it. ACTION: JB was inducted by senior personnel into “Hydra”. On a rotating basis HAMMERHEAD cleared individuals will attend with him secret meetings of “Hydra”, where those present will wear adult diapers and consume a drink called “Jamba Juice”, which JB has been led to believe is a narcotic with extreme hallucinogenic effects but which is actually a weak white wine cooler served at room temperature, with bright blue food coloring.

OPTIGAN-CHARLIE: JB screams “KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!” at high volume throughout OPSEC and other key meetings. ACTION: HAMMERHEAD cleared personnel, where necessary, to conduct meetings through the use of American Sign Language (ASL). Training has been provided.

OPTIGAN-DELTA: JB attacks maps of the world which a) feature the nations Iran or North Korea and which b) assert a heliocentric view of Earth and its place in the solar system. ACTION: a) all maps in SIGINT and other OPSEC locations to replace “Iran” and “North Korea” with “”Groovyland” and “Kickasstonia” respectively b) all references in intelligence materials to the Sun to be replaced with words “flame-orb”, and references to Earth’s orbit to be replaced by references to “Earth’s immutable and resolutely static position in the cosmos”.

OPTIGAN-ECHO: JB attempts to get hold of “the codes” (it has become apparently that he means the contents of the Presidential Emergency Satchel, and in particular the authorization codes present in the Satchel. JB has attempted various means of establishing control over the contents of the Satchel, which have been described by various HAMMERHEAD cleared personnel as “comically inept”. Most attempts appear to derive from “Looney Tunes” or “Merrie Melodies” cartoons of the 1940s and 50s, including seeking to divert the Presidential motorcade using amateurish “Detour” signs, drawing tunnels onto rock faces, setting up complicated traps on cliff-edges, and so on. ACTION: none required, although a comprehensive record of OPTIGAN-ECHO incidents should be retained for review by OPSEC.

OPTIGAN-FOXTROT: JB plunges his penis into piles of meats, cold cuts, etc. The first OPTIGAN-FOXTROT incident occurred at a catered ambassadorial reception at the United Nations building, where JB reported engaged in sustained simulated intercourse with a platter of Serrano ham. JB’s actions are usually accompanied by whooping, hollering and shouted phrases such as “Gotta fuck me some ham, boys!”, which has made it difficult to draw attention away from an OPTIGAN-FOXTROT incident once initiated. ACTION: menus at overseen functions, events which are likely to be catered to be reviewed by HAMMERHEAD cleared personnel. JB’s security detail to carry at all times PACKAGE TOPHAT, a Tupperware container remodelled to include a small access hole, which is to be kept filled at all time with fresh ham (to be discarded after any OPTIGAN-FOXTROT incident). PACKAGE TOPHAT is to be deployed if JB’s security detail consider that an OPTIGAN-FOXTROT incident is imminent.

 

The next scheduled OPSEC meeting (at which HAMMERHEAD business is scheduled for discussion) is on 4/7, but in light of JB’s appointed the suggestion has been made that this be brought forward to 3/27. My PA will reach out to you in the next day or so to confirm arrangements for this.

Sincerely yours,

OiC, OPSEC

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