Putin wins 2024 presidential election

by philapilus

“Do something about it then…”

Russian premier Vladimir Putin was celebrating today after achieving victory in the next (and as yet unstarted) presidential election cycle.

Putin’s win has been described as “decisive” and “conclusive”, with a record-breaking 103% of the vote, according to the Russian Institute for Statistics Plucked out of Your Dictatorial Arse.

Spokesperson Ivan Everhaditoff said “President Putin has achieved a historic victory, made all the more impressive by the fact that it’s not even 2024 yet, and that technically he can’t run again without amending the constitution.

“Here’s a hint: we are not expecting that to be a problem.”

Putin’s re-election comes at a time when Russian relationships with the rest of the world are strained, following state-ordered poisonings, bombers challenging other nations’ airspace and general moustache-twirling skullduggery.

But Putin was warmly congratulated by orange American clown Donald Trump, after the latter was publically Tweeted by the Kremlin with the cryptic message ‘Comply, or pee tape…’.

Russian voter Boris Dostoevsky said “If he’s already won the next election does that mean they won’t break my fingers again in six years time?

“Oh they will? That’s democracy I guess.”

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