Archive for January, 2018

January 27, 2018

TMB’s guide to the Tory leadership election

by articulatedsheep

We now know that definitely – definitely! – Theresa May is about to be subject to an imminent challenge to her leadership. Quite apart from anything else it would be ridiculous – ridiculous! – if she were to stumble on, hopelessly, messily, chaotically, for another four and a half horrifically drawn out years.

Obviously, that would be absurd. She is about to be subjected to a leadership challenge. Let’s believe that, for a few beautiful hours. Let’s not sully that hope. Please.

So, what does the leadership process involve? Like all the finest traditions of the British Constitution, it hinges on a committee chaired by a man called Graham who no-one has heard of. The 1922 Committee of backbench Tory MPs – so-called, because it is the year to which the majority of Tories yearn to return – plays a pivotal role. MPs wishing to challenge May’s leadership can do so by submitting a letter to the Committee’s Chair (who are we kidding – Chairman). But what happens then?

Here are the key principles.

1) 48 MPs must deposit letters (anonymously) with Graham Brady MP, Chair of the 1922 Committee, to automatically trigger a leadership contest;
2) MPs can “withdraw” their letter at any time *unless* Brady shouts “NO TAKEBACKS!” at the precise point when the letter is originally handed to him;
3) The deposited letter is null and void if MP in question is crossing their fingers behind their back while giving the letter to Brady;
4) Letters must be written on vellum and in classical Greek;
5) Brady can at any time “dare” an MP to rescind their anonymity, which will give the MP in question the option of “double dare”ing Brady himself to reveal the identity of another letter writer. Brady can accept the double dare (thereby commencing the “dare” process with that other MP) or submit to a “physical challenge” specified by the original MP. This can lead to an unstoppable cascade of dares and double dares, which last happened in the 1990 leadership contest which led to Margaret Thatcher’s departure;
6) The letter can be accompanied by a freehand drawing of the person the writer most wants to be Tory leader. If so the letter counts double, but if the drawing is deemed by Brady to be worse than one he could draw himself, the letter will only count half;
7) Proceedings can be immediately and unexpectedly terminated if Sir Christopher Chope MP shouts “NO!” in a very loud voice, at which point Brady must declare that the entire process up until that point has been a dream.

 

 

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January 26, 2018

David Davis’s Brexit Update

by philapilus

 

Hi everyone!

 

It’s David Davis here, back with some great news about the Brexit plans!

Now, I know some of you will have been confused by Philip Hammond’s recent comments, about how our relationship with Europe will be more or less the same – but let me assure all those of you who so rightly  voted Leave that this is NOT the case!

I have made sure Michel Barnier is

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January 22, 2018

Farage considering donning the Nigelsuit one last time

by philapilus

“Quick! Hold him down and inject the sedatives straight into his neck!”

Nigel Farage has reopened the Faragecave, and is dusting off the Nigelsuit, according to sources close to the UKIP MEP.

UKIP went into a nosedive this morning, after leader Henry Bolton’s refusal to resign over texts his horrible racist ex sent, leading party stalwart Neil Hamilton to fire up the Nigelsymbol from atop a Wetherspoons pub.

Although the

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January 18, 2018

£44m for Calais ‘fair and reasonable’ says Daily Mail

by philapilus

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden” was the headline the Mail ran with

The Daily Mail has expressed its support for the UK’s decision to accept more migrants from Calais and give the city £44m to beef up border controls.

In a comment-piece this morning, usually cantankerous thought-spewer Richard Littlejohn said “This seems eminently fair. Why shouldn’t we help those wanting to benefit from being a part of our country, when they

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January 17, 2018

Hunt ‘delighted’ nurses leaving NHS as social care numbers will increase

by philapilus

‘Hunt’ has now replaced the c-word as a term of abuse, and ‘you total Hunt’ is second only in its offensiveness to calling someone a ‘massive Gove’

Jeremy Hunt has said that he is “absolutely thrilled” that nurses are leaving the NHS in record numbers, as it means “that more and more unemployed, depressed ex-nurses will have to rely on social care.”

Hunt’s new brief, after Theresa May’s cabinet reshuffle, was expanded to include Social Care, and it is understood from sources in government that “Mr Hunt had grown bored of destroying the NHS and

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January 17, 2018

Trump’s cognitive ability ‘normal’, says man whose job depends on pleasing him

by philapilus

Got the same score as Trump

A military doctor working for Trump’s White House and within the military of which Donald Trump is Commander-in-Chief has made the completely independent decision to announce that Trump is cognitively normal.

Rear admiral and Physician to the President Dr Ronny Jackson told reporters “It just so happens that the man upon whom my job depends is not, as so many of you suspect, a raging maniac with the self-awareness of a peanut and the reasoning capacity of a cow being electrocuted.

“Rather he

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January 15, 2018

Trump proves he isn’t a racist by saying that he isn’t

by philapilus

“Does this face look racist? Let me tell you, this face is not racist, this is not a racist face. I wouldn’t lie, trust me. How could I be lying – I’m white!”

Orange sociopath Donald Trump has silenced critics and proved his non-racist credentials once and for all, after explaining to reporters that whatever he says is absolutely fine as long as he tells you it is.

The White House squatter was under fire for allegedly referring to poorer countries as ‘shitholes’ during a meeting with senior republicans and democrats, but the Trump camp claims such fake news has now successfully been dispelled by “the expert and statesmanlike subsequent emission of flatulence from Donald’s mouth.”

Using his preferred

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January 15, 2018

Capsizing of Carillion is clinching argument for privatisation, say tories

by philapilus

HS2 will definitely still be awesome, according to No. 10 

Theresa May’s cabinet have roundly applauded the vindication of the capitalist system, after an enormous private firm supposed to manage billions of pounds worth of government contracts collapsed.

The compulsory liquidation of Carillon in the early hours of this morning – threatening the completion of massive government projects as well as tens of thousands of jobs – has been hailed as

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