Vatican: Glutenous bread “more fleshy”

by unpseudable

An artist’s representation of Jesus

The Roman Catholic Church this week ruled that gluten-free bread can no longer be used in Mass.

In a letter to bishops, Cardinal Robert Sarah stated that gluten-free bread “just isn’t Jesusy enough, you know? The texture is all different – not like flesh at all, in my experience.”

Sarah (who is obviously a man – this is the Roman Catholic Church), went on to add, “I mean, what’s the point of a metaphor if people don’t stick to it rigidly?

“N-not that it’s a metaphor of course, oh no: Jesus was literally – literally, mind you – made of bread and wine. And was the Son of God – so that means God’s probably made of bread and wine too. Think about it.

“But we’re getting away from the important point here: no gluten-free bread, all right.”

Ordinary Catholic man, Melvin Gibson, responded, “It’s about bloody time too – and let’s not forget it should be unleavened as well. Everyone knows how lacking in yeast the Messiah was.

“Now, if they can also remind people how grapey the Prince of Peace’s blood was- oh they did that too? Well, ok.”

Meanwhile, in seriously radically forward-thinking religious news, the Church of England this week voted to consider maybe doing the whole not judging others thing quite so much. Even if they are gay or transgender.

According to Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, it’s because “maybe Jesus didn’t actually think people should be total dicks. Maybe?”

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