Ed Sheeran: I do it for Twitterlove, not money

by philapilus

Ed Sheeran, the singer-songwriter who both your mum and dad really like, said today that the literally enormous amounts of cash he has accrued mean nothing at all if he has to put up with people being rude on Twitter.

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Your applause means nothing if it isn’t written in less than 140 characters

“Sure, I’m rich and incredibly adored by legions of children and middle aged people around the world,” said Sheeran, “but every time some troll on Twitter calls me a ginger busker I just want to throw all the money out of a window and go wash cars in a Sainsbury’s car park for a living.

“It’s agony.”

The ginger busker, who is one of Britain’s most successful musicians, added “Even the protestations of love from literally hundreds of thousands of women can’t cheer me up if an overweight, unemployed loner living in his mum’s basement says something mean about Galway Girl.”

Overweight, unemployed loner Tim Twanks, who lives in his mum’s basement said “I don’t really understand why it bothers him. When I call him a ginger cunt who can’t sing doesn’t he realise that what I am really doing is trying to disguise my disgust at my own existence?

“Doesn’t he see that my pathetic insults are utterly spurious, and more a subconscious expression of my desire to be him rather than a worthwhile critique of his musical talents? I mean, I’m nobody, whereas he can shag basically anyone he wants.

“What? He’s left Twitter? Oh that ginger cunt, I might as well just kill myself now.”

 

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