Election: May misses leader debate to heal the sick and minister to the needy

by philapilus
File:Theresa May MP.JPG

“Scared? Don’t make me laugh!” said May from several hundred miles away

Theresa May announced this morning that her decision not to attend last night’s televised debate between party leaders was “absolutely not down to abject terror” and was purely because she was “busy ministering to the sick and needy”.

May said that she didn’t have time to waste on unimportant matters like being accountable to the country on live TV, or answering questions that people really want the answers to before they vote on who will run the country.

“That would have been a pointless exercise in egotism,” said the prime minister, “whereas what I did was help bandage the hurting elbows of people’s dear old nans. Much more important. I wasn’t just scared. I mean I wasn’t scared at all.”

Politicial commentator Tim Twanks commented “The debate gave the country the opportunity to really study the party leaders up close, and scrutinise what they were saying.

“Leanne Wood pledged that everyone over 58 will receive a free tea bag and a packet of Play-doh for relaxing with.

“Caroline Lucas said little, spending most of the evening weeping into a handkerchief at the thought of all the environmentally unfriendly concrete that had gone into putting up the building.

“Dear little Tim Farron went very pink and got all worked up, which was quite sweet. I wonder if he has started pubing yet? Nice little kid.”

Paul Nuttall turned out to be the evening’s big surprise, giving a heartfelt speech about how he had had no friends at school, and his mum had made him join a brass bandwhere he had met the significantly older men “who don’t like the darkies”.

“Even now” Nuttall admitted, “I still have no friends my own age, and none at all who are women.”

Jeremy Corbyn was left looking strong and stable compared to the others, which left Amber Rudd in the difficult position of trying to explain why Theresa May hadn’t turned up to take that much-claimed status for herself.

“She’s not scared,” said Rudd, “I promise it’s not that she’s too scared to come.”

At her press conference this morning Mrs May reiterated the point, saying “I’m not scared of anyone. I am strong and stable, not Jeremy.”

She then retreated to her journalist-proof bunker beneath No. 10.

 

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