Glowing telepathic orb ‘traumatised’ after touch of Trump

by philapilus
Solar Background

‘The horror…the…horror…’

A glowing orb designed to read the minds of all who touch it has said it will never work again after being handled by Donald Trump yesterday.

Trump – along with Saudi King Salman and the Egyptian president Abdul Fattah al-Sisi – decided to have their profoundest secrets and thoughts exposed to the orb “for a laugh”, but the resulting psychic damage almost shattered the magical ball.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, head of Soul-scrying at the Slough School of Made Up Stuff, said “The orb has read the thoughts of people as varied as Nelson Mandela and Charles Manson. It has looked into the minds of artists, musicians, politicians and soldiers.

“It even once read the mind of Vinnie Jones, although it said there was nothing in there at all except the instruction ‘breathe in, breathe out’ repeated over and over and over.

“But seeing the plans of Donald ‘littlehands’ Trump has shattered its previously iron mental constitution.”

The orb was last seen rocking backwards and forwards in a corner, weeping and crying out ‘How can one mind contain such evil, such ignorance, such batshit insane fuckwittery? I shall never be the same again’.

Trump however denied the reports, and tweeted “Fake news about the orb. Never saw it, never touched it. The real story here is failing media crying about how they lost the election. I’m the best president ever. Fact.

“Also the orb said I was brilliant and had the best mind it had ever read. Genius me vs crook Hillary? No brainer. And I should know!”

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