Vote tory or I’ll end you, by Theresa May

by philapilus
File:Theresa May.jpg

Unlike Labour, I’m going to MEAN to do it when I ruin everything for everyone

As you will all have heard by now, I have called a snap election for next month.

I know you all thought I’d been saying for weeks there was no way I would do it, despite my slim majority, because it would cause national uncertainty. But you’re misremembering. Stop it.

The plain fact is that I have a slim majority and this ballot will create certainty.

Unlike a Scottish independence referendum which would create uncertainty. This is different because – well it’s a bit complicated and you probably wouldn’t understand it, so just trust me.

The plain fact of the matter is that only the tories have a solid plan to push you off a cliff in 2019. We might give you a parachute, we might not. But a vote for anyone else could lead to all of you milling about on top of the cliff wondering if it’s a long way down, and that’s not going to help anyone.

No, the poorly worded Brexit referendum question was answered with a resoundingly small majority voting for the misinformation that was peddled by xenophobes, and with which I personally disagreed, and I intend to make you all swallow the huge shit you took on your own doorstep last year.

And if you exercise your democratic right not to vote for swallowing that massive turd, I will personally come to each and every one of your houses and pull your fucking teeth out.

So my message is this; our country can be a fantastic country again under the tories. A country where the rich can enjoy a low tax burden, the NHS can be stripped for parts, and a country where the rest of you are all going to have the super jobs that the immigrants currently do, such as toilet-cleaning, boot-polishing, and 14 hour fruit picking shifts.

Vote me, or suffer the consequences.

 

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