Investigation into Trump-Russia ties continu-OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!

by philapilus

“What’s he got there in his little handsies? Oh isn’t he adorable!”

After the FBI investigation into alleged connections between Russia and the Trump campaign became public knowledge yesterday, the White House responded “Oh look at that little puppy playing on the lawn! Isn’t he gorgeous??”

The significance of potentially myriad links between Trump’s camp and the USA’s main global rival have been dwarfed by other news, including numerous POTUS tweets about hippogriffs, a crayon drawing Sean Spicer made of a racing car, and the announcement that Trump’s son is to become a father later this year.

Alleged corruption at the highest levels is also unimportant this morning, because Ivanka is going to get her own office in Daddy’s building where she can do pretend work on her My First Businesswoman playset.

Sean Spicer said to assembled journalists “I’m only going to take four – no, three – three questions, and I want at least two of them to be about the weather. The other one should be about my bowtie, which as you’ll notice is multicoloured and spins around when I squeeze a hidden trigger.

“So, who has the first question? Oh look, a squirrel! No, behind you! Look, right there, by the door!

“Oh you all turned round too slow, it’s gone. Ok, so we’re done for today right? See you all soon.”

Steven Bannon meanwhile has denied claims that he spent the entirety of January outside Eric and Lara Trump’s bedroom door screaming “Knock her up! Knock her up, you little shit or you’re not coming out! We are going to need every fucking distraction we can get so your sperm had better get moving!”

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