Archive for February, 2017

February 28, 2017

Trump refuses to accept Connect Four outcome

by philapilus

Witnesses said Trump failed to connect even two

Donald Trump has once again lambasted ‘fake news’ outlets today over reports which suggested he had lost a game of Connect Four to chief strategist Steve Bannon.

Trump tweeted “More FAKE NEWS! I NEVER lose Connect 4! Ignore FAILING NYT & CNN” after journalists from the organisations reported on a friendly match in which Bannon trounced the president.

Trump’s ire was

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February 24, 2017

Corbyn celebrates ‘historic win’ in Copeland

by philapilus

“It is the gulag for any who dispute our resounding success”

Jeremy Corbyn has exhorted subordinates to congratulate him for what he called the “historic victory in the Copeland by-election”, after the Tories took the seat from Labour for the first time in 80 years.

Corbyn said “This is a huge victory for us. Make no mistake, comrades; the Party has never been in better shape! Long live the Party and the Great Drive Forward!

“By allowing the reactionary Tories to

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February 21, 2017

Theresa May visits Lords with baseball bat

by philapilus
theresamay

Theresa ‘Negan’ May

Theresa May made the highly unusual move of sitting in the House of Lords yesterday to observe the debate over the Brexit bill.

According to one Lord, “The prime minister entered the room, cracked her knuckles and then ostentatiously unwrapped a long silk package containing a baseball bat.

“As the

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February 17, 2017

UK ‘united on Brexit’ thanks to Blair

by philapilus
File:Tony Blair 2.jpg

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

Tony Blair has managed singlehandedly to unite Britain and heal the wounds brought about by the Brexit debacle.

Blair’s exhortations to the British people to rise up against Brexit managed to convince everybody that what the country really needed to do was exactly the opposite of whatever it was told to do by an egomaniac with a Messiah complex.

Tim Twanks, Remain campaigner, said “I was

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February 17, 2017

Charles Manson ‘considering national security advisor role’

by philapilus
File:Manson-June-2011.jpg

Manson with his CV

A spokesperson for Charles Manson has confirmed that the 82 year old is considering Donald Trump’s offer to replace Michael Flynn as national security advisor.

Trump fired Mr Flynn on Monday, after it transpired that the White House was not

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February 15, 2017

Nuttall defends ‘died at Hillsborough’ claim

by philapilus
File:Paulnuttall.jpg

Nuttall also died during the Falklands war, and was sitting next to Diana in the car crash that claimed both their lives

Paul Nuttall, the man who is running Ukip while Nigel Farage is towelling off Donald Trump, has hit back at critics who say he did not in fact die during the Hillsborough stadium disaster.

Speaking at a carboot sale this morning, Mr Nuttall said “These so-called fact-checkers are trying to tell me that I didn’t die during what might have

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February 10, 2017

‘NHS unacceptable’ says man who ran it into the ground

by philapilus
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Jeremy is also fascinated by bottled water

Jeremy Hunt has said that the problems with the NHS are ‘unacceptable’, and has offered himself his warmest congratulations for making it so.

The Health Secretary said “I have spent five years helming the good ship NHS, finding iceberg after iceberg to ram, and finally I have managed to tear its hull to pieces. It is letting on water fast, and has finally been upgraded from ‘we’re in trouble’ to ‘oh shit we’re all going to die’.

“I couldn’t be happier.”

Hunt was

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February 6, 2017

Breaking News: Toff slightly faster than other toffs

by philapilus

Sporting superstars

The world has been rocked to its very core today, after it was revealed that toff Prince Harry is better at running than both his toff brother Prince William and his toff brother’s wife, toff Princess Kate.

Royal Commentator Arthur Theremin said today “This changes everything. Black could be white, up could be down, 2 and 2 might make 17. This is literally the most important thing happening anywhere in the world.

“The US president’s attempts to

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February 6, 2017

FGM rates prove humanity still full of utter bastards

by philapilus

‘What the fuck is wrong with people?’

The horrific revelation that English medical professionals deal with a victim of FGM every hour has confirmed that humanity is still chock full of evil little shits.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Counting Bastards, said  “Credulous fuckwits are hacking off bits of the genitalia of little girls for so-called cultural and religious reasons, and they don’t show any sign of stopping anytime soon.

“That shit still happens. In 2017.These

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