Trump claims tornadoes ‘sent by God’

by philapilus

In four years time there will be an actual person who can legitimately use this, rather than an intemperate caveman with the intellect and sex appeal of a dying whelk

Pretend President Trump has suggested that God is responsible for the deaths of 18 people in the Southern United States after severe weather and tornadoes ripped through Georgia and Mississippi.

Trump previously cited God’s decision to personally favour him by stopping the rain during his inaugural speech*, explaining that “the weather from now on will reflect the Almighty’s positive feelings towards me.”

But after the violent storms caused chaos, the Pretend President lost his temper with Jehovah, saying “God has made a big mistake, folks, He’s made a mistake. He thinks that it’s OK to send storms against Trump? Wrong! He’s wrong.

“For one thing, He missed, OK? I mean, I’m in Washington, and he only hit the swampy states. That’s bad aim, I can aim much better than that. And for another thing, He doesn’t know what it means to make an enemy out of Trump. Don’t make an enemy out of Trump. Let me tell you, we’re going to have a war with God, it’s going to be a great war, a beautiful war, and we’re going to win.

“We’re going to win so much you’ll be sick of winning against God. We’re really going to just win so much against God. The weather had better improve, if God knows what he’s doing. Send all that shit to China.”

The shrieking baboon then knuckled back into the White House to order a nuclear strike against the clouds, before Tweeting angrily about liberals by banging his fists on his phone over and over.


* We don’t ever sully our great organ with the truth if we can avoid it, but seriously, he actually really thinks God stopped the rain for him. Go on, have a look. About 7 paragraphs down:

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