Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
640px-donald_trump_and_mike_pence_rnc_july_2016

A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then as soon as the photographers have gone, out come the shears.”

It is believed that as well as the thumbs of Gove and Farage, Mr Trump has also snipped off one of Boris Johnson’s, and will be taking one of Theresa May’s when she visits in the spring.

“It’s a sick initiation test, to prove loyalty, like he’s a fucking yakuza boss” said the anonymous source “They have to show they won’t use their hands against him or something.

“He’s completely batshit mad. I’m terrified about what happens to me if he starts doubting my loyalty, because I’m married to his daughter! Can you imagine what he might want to snip off?!”

The British politicians however have denied the rumours of assault, although notably have all kept their hands in their pockets in public since meeting the president elect.

Donald Trump also refused to confirm the allegations, saying “Trump Trumpedy Trump! Trump doesn’t cut off thumbs, believe me, Trump doesn’t need thumbs. What? What jar of pickled thumbs? Oh this jar…

“This jar of pickled thumbs, these thumbs do not come from British politicians. They don’t, no they don’t, bigly. Trump doesn’t need thumbs. Trump has two, they’re not small. They aren’t small, they’re big you know. They go bing bing bing.”

 

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