Archive for January, 2017

January 31, 2017

People who voted for stupid thing ‘not to blame if it was protest vote’

by philapilus

“All I said was ‘hey let’s just keep going’, but you should have ignored me; it’s not my fault I’m a moron”

People who have voted for something really fucking awful are not to blame when it happens provided the vote was only a protest vote, according to themselves.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who voted for an enraged baboon to usurp the office of President of the United States said “It’s not my fault that we now have a shrieking primate in charge of the country, waggling his turkey-neck and waving his tiny hands.

“I only voted for him in protest against the

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January 23, 2017

Trump claims tornadoes ‘sent by God’

by philapilus
File:USPresidentialSeal.jpg

In four years time there will be an actual person who can legitimately use this, rather than an intemperate caveman with the intellect and sex appeal of a dying whelk

Pretend President Trump has suggested that God is responsible for the deaths of 18 people in the Southern United States after severe weather and tornadoes ripped through Georgia and Mississippi.

Trump previously cited God’s decision to personally favour him by stopping the rain during his inaugural speech*, explaining that “the weather from now on will reflect the Almighty’s positive feelings towards me.”

But after the violent storms caused chaos, the

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January 23, 2017

Bashful May admits Trident ‘has developed A.I.’

by philapilus
File:Trident II missile image.jpg

Trump will definitely unleash nuclear devastation soon, but most of the bombs will be aimed at the houses of people he doesn’t like within America’s own borders, such as the Clinton residence

Theresa May has been forced into making the embarrassing revelation that Britain’s nuclear weapons system has developed artificial intelligence and now chooses its own targets.

Downing Street finally admitted today that Mrs May had been told about a missile that went off course during a Trident test last year, but further admitted that “The system simply chose its own target.”

MOD spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, clarified the statement, telling reporters “We can confirm that

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January 18, 2017

Moths name turd-like pupa after Trump

by philapilus
320px-hyalophora_cecropia_male_pupa2c_mm

Despite what you might think looking at him the horrible creature didn’t come out of someone’s ass – and nor did the pupa

Lepidopterists discovered today that moths have honoured Donald Trump by naming a newly-discovered pupa after him.

Attacus Atlas moth Atticus Flinch* said to assembled taxonomists “I found the pupa this morning underneath a leaf, and decided I just had to name it for the president elect.

“Like Donald, the pupa we are calling Twattacus donaldtrumpi has a strange yellow hairy mop at the top, which looks fake as shit and stuck on, but is apparently part of the sack. Also like Donald, the pupa looks

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January 18, 2017

Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
640px-donald_trump_and_mike_pence_rnc_july_2016

A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then

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January 12, 2017

2016 in headlines

by philapilus
carrie_fisher_2013

RIP to the only royalty who was ever worth a damn

Once again we look back over the last year through the major news headlines from around the globe. It’s our way of reminding you of the main events, movers and shakers of 2016, and definitely isn’t just  an easy way of tossing off a quick article whilst we’re on the toilet.

Brexit voters “will be first ones saved in the Rapture”

Russian athletes all secretly

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January 12, 2017

Trump: ‘Nyet, Russian dossier not true’

by philapilus
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There’s still no explanation for this photo of him in KGB uniform though…

President elect Donald Trump has firmly denied being a Russian sleeper agent, insisting that he is as American as apple Sharlotka.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Trump excoriated Buzzfeed, CNN, the New York Times, and everyone in the world who had ever had a fleeting negative thought about him.

Waggling his tiny T-Rex hands in anger, Trump

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January 10, 2017

Pound plunges below ‘cheap sweet’ threshold

by philapilus
quid

The once mighty quid is now worth less than a third of a ‘foam shrimp’

Sterling has plummeted to new depths this week, and £1 will no longer be sufficient currency to exchange for a single cheap sweet from the pick’n’mix counter.

Sterling flatlined on Monday morning after Theresa May failed to quieten Brexit nerves in a Sky interview on Sunday.

May was visibly drunk, and at times verbally abusive to interviewer Sophy Ridge, but insisted through teary-eyed despair that

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January 5, 2017

Farage’s radio show ‘to celebrate multicultural music’

by philapilus
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Just after dropping the mike on some seriously dope sh*t

A spokesperson for Nigel Farage revealed today that the ex-Ukip leader’s forthcoming radio show will be “An eclectic mix of banging tunes, dope beats and serious soul.”

This has come as something of a surprise as the Monday-Thursday slot is on LBC radio, a station more normally associated with discussions and phone-ins.

But the spokesperson said today “Nigel was absolutely

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