New Year’s Honours prominently feature Trumpton characters

by philapilus
brian-cant

Brian Cant said the honours were “well overdue”

The New Year Honours bestowed by Her Majesty the Queen have once again bucked expectation, after it was revealed today that the vast majority had gone to residents of Trumpton, and the nearby villages of Camberwick Green and Chigley.

Despite widespread belief that the Queen would be honouring British sporting giants who had so much success in 2016, Buckingham Palace announced that “Her Majesty felt it was really a year in which the achievements of Trumptonshire pissed all over the rest of the UK.

“Whether it was Mr Craddock the Park Keeper’s ‘Clean for the Queen’ initiative or Mr Dagenham the Salesman’s enthusiastic exploration of international arms markets, the denizens of Trumpton and its environs are simply better than the rest of you.”

Craddock and Dagenham were both awarded the coveted and limited ‘Companion of Honour’, but many other local citizens were also honoured.

Windy Miller received an OBE for services to technology – as his windmill works without the electricity that most of the country can no longer afford.

Mr Clutterbuck the builder received an OBE for services to housing, having successfully sat on Brownfield development land for years, refusing to build until the prices were so high that only tory voters were able to buy.

PC McGarry Number 452 was knighted for his 56 years on the police force, during which he successfully covered up the collapse of Chigley stadium and the death of 39 fans. He also broke up two race riots with minimal collateral deaths.

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb all received MBEs for their work on securing Britain’s exit from the dangerously foreign EU. This they largely achieved by loitering outside the homes of Remain voters, ostentatiously lighting matches and saying things like ‘Nice bit of thatch you’ve got there. Wouldn’t want that to go up in a fire would you? Better hope we leave, eh?”

Mrs Cobbit the Flower Seller however turned down the chance to be a dame, citing “the way the crown has hushed up the devastating effect of Prince Philip’s homicidal rages against my people in the gypsy community”.

 

 

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