2016 to be extended

by philapilus

F*ck off, 2016

In a cruel turn of events officials have announced that the much-loathed 2016 is going to have extra time tacked on at the end.

An extra second will be added at midnight before the official change to 2017, meaning clocks will read 23:59:60. This has already led to general panic, because 2016 has been such an unmitigated shitstorm that it is widely felt even one extra second could cause maximum carnage.

Professor Hamish McEyebray of the Slough School of Seconds said “We’re adding a second to the year because of atomic clocks, which are so accurate that if we aren’t careful we’ll end up 10000 years from now finishing the day half an hour before we wake up.

“No you’re right, it’s not very convincing as explanations go. Truth be told we’re doing it for shits and giggles. We horologists are raving clinical sadists. And we have a dead pool still going on a lot of celebrities who are annoyingly still alive.”

A wave of panic buying has spread across the UK, with shops running out of essentials such as alcohol, dry roasted peanuts and cook-from-frozen oriental platters.

But unemployed temporal commentator Tim Twanks commented “It’s not all bad. That extra second could be all Death needs to catch up to Donald Trump and harvest his soul. Then the Reaper can retire to sit on the bloated pile of 2016’s numerous corpses.

“Happy New Year, everyone.”

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