Len Goodman confirms futility of celebrity existence

by philapilus

“Dance! Dance for me you pointless little mayflies! Your end cannot come soon enough! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman has said he “Really couldn’t give a toss about any of the Z-listers prancing about on stage”, admitting that he doesn’t even know who they are.

Speaking via walkie-talkie from a vantage point above the BBC studios, a rifle-wielding Goodman said “My god, it’s all so ghastly. These flippant, talentless nobodies come through, slapped up with paint and covered in sequins, to dance before you voracious little sofa-toads, like gladiators before an emperor.

“They prance and fall and twist their ankles and break their toes, and make utter, utter cocks of themselves, desperately clinging to the idea they might be famous for 10 fucking seconds.

“All the while you sit at home going’ooh look at that, I never knew he could do a pas de deux!’ or ‘isn’t she good at the Tango, who’d have thought forty years of Corrie would prepare you for that?’

“Well I’ve had enough! It’s sickening and futile! I’VE HAD ENOUGH I TELL YOU!! I’LL KILL YOU ALL!”

At the time of going to press Goodman’s death-toll stands at 15, and police have been unable to dislodge him from his position, and a panel of psychiatrists have awarded Len’s mental breakdown a 6 out of 10.

The siege continues.

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