Archive for December, 2016

December 31, 2016

New Year’s Honours prominently feature Trumpton characters

by philapilus
brian-cant

Brian Cant said the honours were “well overdue”

The New Year Honours bestowed by Her Majesty the Queen have once again bucked expectation, after it was revealed today that the vast majority had gone to residents of Trumpton, and the nearby villages of Camberwick Green and Chigley.

Despite widespread belief that the Queen would be honouring British sporting giants who had so much success in 2016, Buckingham Palace announced that “Her Majesty felt it was really a year in which the achievements of Trumptonshire pissed all over the rest of the UK.

“Whether it was Mr Craddock the Park Keeper’s ‘Clean for the Queen’ initiative or

read more »

December 31, 2016

2016 to be extended

by philapilus
200px-the_gesture

F*ck off, 2016

In a cruel turn of events officials have announced that the much-loathed 2016 is going to have extra time tacked on at the end.

An extra second will be added at midnight before the official change to 2017, meaning clocks will read 23:59:60. This has already led to general panic, because 2016 has been such an unmitigated shitstorm that it is widely felt even one extra second could cause maximum carnage.

Professor Hamish McEyebray of the Slough School of Seconds said “We’re

read more »

December 16, 2016

£50bn Brexit fee to be recouped from post-EU money trees, say Brexiteers

by philapilus
image

The future’s bright, the future’s Brexit

Brexiteers have scoffed at the £50bn bill the UK could receive for leaving the EU, pointing out that the first cash harvest from all the  new money trees will easily outweigh this figure.

Michel Barnier, the EU negotiator, has warned the bill will arrive as soon as Article 50 is triggered, but anti-EU campaigners have insisted it’s ‘no big deal’.

Brexiter Wendy Nailinthehead said “£50 bn? Peanuts. We could afford

read more »

December 16, 2016

Corbyn relaunch to feature new hat

by philapilus

 

 

 

jeremy_corbyn

“Jeremy was worried the black one carried connotations of ostentation”

Jeremy Corbyn’s team has confirmed that the forthcoming relaunch of the labour leader will prominently feature “a new and extremely sincere hat”.

Tim Twanks, political advisor to Corbyn and original script-writer for 1970s comedy Citizen Smith, said “The hat is something we found in a charity shop. It cost £1, or £994 less than Theresa May’s leather trousers, proving that Mr Corbyn is 994 times more trustworthy and down to earth than the prime minister.”

The hat is beige, woollen, and

read more »

December 9, 2016

Len Goodman confirms futility of celebrity existence

by philapilus

“Dance! Dance for me you pointless little mayflies! Your end cannot come soon enough! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman has said he “Really couldn’t give a toss about any of the Z-listers prancing about on stage”, admitting that he doesn’t even know who they are.

Speaking via walkie-talkie from a vantage point above the BBC studios, a rifle-wielding Goodman said “My god, it’s all so ghastly. These flippant, talentless nobodies come through, slapped up with paint and covered in sequins, to dance before you voracious little sofa-toads, like gladiators before an emperor.

“They prance and fall and twist their ankles and

read more »