Blair dons suit of shining armour to help ‘politically homeless’

by philapilus
File:Tony Blair 2.jpg

                 “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Ex prime minister Tony Blair has ordered himself a brand new suit of shining armour, which he will wear whilst saving Britain from itself over the next few months.

Blair said today “I am here for you my children, here as your saviour once more. Here to lead you from the benighted valleys of Brexit and tory government back into the heavenly joys of New New Labour.

“I won’t be going back into the frontline of politics because frankly the pay is peanuts, but I will be saving the politically homeless (not to be confused with the real homeless, who are scuzzy and smelly and poor) from behind the scenes, in ways that are lucrative and don’t involve me having to be accountable all the time.”

Blair’s armourer, Tim Twanks, said “Tony wanted something that was kind of a mix between St George the dragonslayer, King Arthur, and Aragorn in Return of the King. We’ve made him a very flashy number with gold and silver filigree, and lots of retro stylings, but also with modern conveniences, such as an external pocket for his iPhone.

“The helmet of course is massive, to accommodate Tony’s exceptionally big head. It has been forged with an expansion fitting on the back, so that if his cranium continues to expand at the same rate as now he should still get lots of use out of it for a couple more years, or until the inevitable Parliamentary Inquiry into why lots more people are dead on his watch, whichever comes first…”

 

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