Budget reveals surprising lack of cash

by philapilus

 

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We never really thought we’d actually miss him, but…

Philip Hammond’s first budget statement raised consternation today, after he was forced to admit that there didn’t seem to be a lot of money about.

The new chancellor addressed the House, saying “Mr Speaker, um, I’m not sure whether this will go down very well, but here goes anyway.

“Look, I really hope no one’s going to give me a ribbing over this, but it seems everything’s not quite as brilliant as we might have hoped, financially speaking.

“I’m afraid Mr Speaker that it rather looks like we’re going to have to borrow an additional £122bn over the next four years…”

At this point the chancellor broke off and stared despairingly into the middle distance, mouthing ‘one-hundred-and-twenty-two’ over and over, whilst the speaker called the screaming chamber to order.

Hammond recovered though, and said “You all remember that fun little experiment we did this summer, don’t you, to see whether the nation would actively pursue its own economic suicide given the option? It appears that might have had some consequences.

“Which is fine,” he added, a spasm of panic distorting his grey face,”You know, no real problem. Um, definitely fine…

“But basically, borrowing’s up, tax receipts are down, productivity and economically useful migration have dropped off since we told all the people who do the actual work to go back to where they came from – bizarrely.

“Also, austerity didn’t work and rather than balancing the books by 2020 we’re actually going to have to buy some new books, because we’ve used up all the red columns in the old ones.

“But on the plus side, I’m knocking a penny off the tax for choc ices. Never let it be said our plucky little country is not strong enough to go it alone.

“Same time next Autumn everyone.”

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