Onesies to blame for everything

by philapilus

Experts confirmed today that the majority of global disasters and crises are directly caused by the rise of the onesie.

Specialists from the Slough School of Catastrophe spent ten years running trillions of computer simulations on disaster-causation, and discovered that the single common denominator is the awful garment.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, who headed up the study, said “The unitary body outfit was invented for use on very small children, because trying to apply several clothing items to the little shits is like wrestling a live squid.

“And, whilst undeniably hideous, onesies make sense for babies. It’s basically just a slightly comfier sack to haul them around in. But for adults it is an abomination. Against nature and God,  and we have brought all of the modern world’s horrors upon ourselves by wearing them.”

But onesie fanatic and serial masturbator Wendy Nailinthehead said “So what if I want to indulge in a little infantilism?  Onesies are cosy, snug and reminiscent of the womb. I’ve got 15.

“My favourite is the giraffe-patterned one with a built in nappy section, so I can sit happily in my own filth until the darkness comes, and the smell reminds me that mummy is dead and the cruelty of existence means we are all alone, with no one else to clean our asses for us. Then I cry, eat a kilo of chocolate, change into a different onesie and go to bed.

“It’s a perfectly adult and appropriate reaction to the modern world.”

Professor McEyebrau said “Our civilization is doomed.”

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