Archive for October, 2016

October 27, 2016

Bake Off finale returns UK to misery of normal existence

by philapilus

Like Tantalus this was dangled before you, only to recede as you reached out for it.

As the last ever BBC series of the Great British Bake Off finished with triumph for Candice, the country was returned to the unadulterated horror that is our daily existence.

Superfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “For a few brief moments each Wednesday evening, I managed to escape the monotony of life in this drab, grey country of tory overlords and

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October 27, 2016

Russia: ‘Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough ‘

by philapilus

Like a giant floating phallus

The Russian warships currently en route to flatten Syria have definitively proven how hard the country is, it has been revealed.

Russia’s deployment of a fleet is just the latest in a series of bold antagonistic moves, all of which have combined to make everyone think that Russia is really cool, muscly, and

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October 19, 2016

Onesies to blame for everything

by philapilus

Experts confirmed today that the majority of global disasters and crises are directly caused by the rise of the onesie.

Specialists from the Slough School of Catastrophe spent ten years running trillions of computer simulations on disaster-causation, and discovered that the single common denominator is the awful garment.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, who headed up the study, said “The unitary body outfit was invented for

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October 9, 2016

Trump vows to grab Clinton by the p***y

by philapilus

Outspoken Republican candidate Donald Trump has promised supporters that he will not be quitting the presidential race, vowing to “Grab Hilary by the p***y and show her who’s boss” in Sunday night’s debate.

Speaking to fans at a ‘Touch Donald’s hair’ rally, Mr Trump said

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