China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and spreading out across the country.

Despite staunch defense from several thousand bottle-throwing drunks, the Chinese steamrollered their way through to New South Wales, and are expected to reach Canberra by the early afternoon.

Australian drinker Joe Shovel said “Strewth them little buggers is everywhere. We were cooking wallaby steaks on the old barbie and the yeller fellers come charging through, destroying everything in their path.

“Naturally I asked what the hell they were doing, and they said one of our blokes had said something to one of their drongos, and he’d spit the dummy.

“I asked if they were coming the raw prawn, and lobbed a few tinnies at them – empty ones of course. But the bastards shot me in the leg and kept going. Anyway I’m off to the boozer, and I might swing by the hospital later. She’ll be right.”

Chinese swimming team manager, or Commissar for the Training of the People’s Aquatic Victory, Xu Qi said “Australia has no respect. This is utterly inappropriate.

“Our nuclear destruction of the country tomorrow will stand as a lesson to other countries, and an encouragement to follow the Chinese values of politeness and modesty.”

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