Archive for August, 2016

August 25, 2016

Jeremy Corbyn bulldozes own home to make point

by philapilus

“I’m thinking of cutting my nose off to teach my face a lesson. What do you think?”

Jeremy Corbyn has drawn attention to homelessness this morning, by driving a bulldozer straight through his own house.

The move followed his publicity coup in raising awareness of seat-shortage on trains, after he was filmed earlier in the week sitting on the floor of a partially empty train near some free seats.

Standing amidst the ruin and rubble of

read more »

Advertisements
August 25, 2016

Farage and Trump to go on date

by philapilus

“Look I know you’re not happy about it, but he just…*gets* me, Melania, and that’s all there is to it.”

Nigel Farage and Donald Trump have agreed to go for a pint and maybe a dinner at Pizza Express, after hitting it off earlier in the week.

Farage spoke at a Trump rally, likening the glorious American future under Trump to the glorious British future post-Brexit, highlighting the glorious lack of ethnic minorities and money.

A Trump aide said “As Donald watched Nigel a light came into his eyes, and he began to gently

read more »

August 22, 2016

Man to get tattoo because he is different

by philapilus

“And I suppose if anyone spotted my new tatts and assumed I was an MMA fighter, that might be quite cool. That’s not why I’m doing it though.”

A Reading man has decided to get a tattoo, because he is so different from everybody else, and will benefit in an as yet unspecified way from being able to demonstrate this visually.

Tim Twanks confirmed his plan this morning, telling co-workers that he had booked in a session at local tattoo parlour ‘Skininking’, to finally get the Japanese dragon on his chest.

“Actually I was quite surprised that there was a place that did tattoos so nearby, what with them being so rare,” said Twanks, “and even more impressed when I went in and they knew what a Japanese dragon looked like without me even

read more »

August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and

read more »

August 1, 2016

‘Trump sacrifices’ mostly offerings to Cthulhu

by philapilus

Donald getting out of the bath

Donald Trump has spoken out against the parents of a dead Muslim soldier, after they accused him of never having made sacrifices for his country.

Ghazala and Khizr Khan, parents of US Army captain Humayun Khan, said Trump did not understand Islam or sacrifice, leading the Republican candidate to retort with a waggle of his jowls and a shriek of bestial rage.

Interviewed later whilst

read more »